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Indian Summer 1st edit- 71 degrees
I'm sorry
I slept so late,
sedated, indifferent.
C'mon, wake up.
Let's go do something.
Indian Summer
I'm so sorry
I slept so late,
sedated by yesterdays' indifference.
C'mon,
wake up.
Let's go do something.
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2014
Sounds like the intro to a children's show. I like it
I'm tired of everyone wearing the same ego./
They're like hoards of sheep, but a Mind is plain lethal./
Posts: 786
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Not sure I understand, Voker. Glad you liked it, but how is it like a children's show?
Thanks for reading,
Paul
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Joined: Dec 2014
The "C,mon wake up, let's go do something" part. Idk it just reminds me of Adventure Time. I personally would like it better if you added exclamation marks to that phrase.
I'm tired of everyone wearing the same ego./
They're like hoards of sheep, but a Mind is plain lethal./
Posts: 786
Threads: 439
Joined: May 2014
(03-30-2015, 07:31 AM)Voker101 Wrote: The "C,mon wake up, let's go do something" part. Idk it just reminds me of Adventure Time. I personally would like it better if you added exclamation marks to that phrase.
Yes. I see. I think it was "show" that threw me.
Thanks again.
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(03-30-2015, 03:12 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Indian Summer
I'm so sorry
I slept so late,
sedated by yesterdays' indifference.
C'mon,
wake up.
Let's go do something.
Don't care for the "so, so, do" combination. I'd edit all of them. And I also agree w/Voker about the children's aspect. That's not a bad thing, mind you. It just sounds like something a kid would say. That's why I would be tempted to shorten this even more. (words to edit: so, so, do, yesterday's, something). Short and choppy and let's go, let's go makes this exciting to me. Dragging it out w/adverbs bogs it down.
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(03-31-2015, 09:24 AM)71degrees Wrote: (03-30-2015, 03:12 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Indian Summer
I'm so sorry
I slept so late,
sedated by yesterdays' indifference.
C'mon,
wake up.
Let's go do something.
Don't care for the "so, so, do" combination. I'd edit all of them. And I also agree w/Voker about the children's aspect. That's not a bad thing, mind you. It just sounds like something a kid would say. That's why I would be tempted to shorten this even more. (words to edit: so, so, do, yesterday's, something). Short and choppy and let's go, let's go makes this exciting to me. Dragging it out w/adverbs bogs it down.
Thanks 71. Just posted an edit to your credit that I hope is more succinct.
Paul
