trash man

[first_high_of_the_day]

Hi.
Yes,
Trash man?
They call him.
Trash man they call him.
Too close to curbs in the suburbs,
He exchanges middle class trash, for low class food stamps.
Too close to the scraps in food scraps.
Trash man they call him.
They call him.
Trash man?
Thanks.
Bye.

[bena]

Hmmm are you sacrificing your work for the concrete shape of the poem? For me it's far too redundant (and I've read a few of yours that I did like) ---this one seems to be cutesy, which doesn't really go with the sad topic. I HATE to do rewrites, but I could do this one in just a few lines, and I think it would have more of an impact. See if you can pare it down.

cheers...

mel./bena

[tectak]

Hi.
Yes, trash man?
They call him.
Trash man they call him.
Too close to curbs in the suburbs,
He exchanges middle class trash, for low class food stamps.
Too close to the scraps in food scraps.
Trash man they call him.
They call him.
Trash man. Thanks.
Bye.

Terse verse reversed. Not a lot in it...good or bad. Twenty seconds to write...right? I can beat that. The middle line does not need a comma. Title moot. Crit? 15 seconds.
Bye,
tectak

[summermoose]

Hi.
Yes, trash man?
They call him.
Trash man they call him.
Too close to curbs in the suburbs,
He exchanges middle class trash, for low class food stamps.
Too close to the scraps in food scraps.
Trash man they call him.
They call him.
Trash man. Thanks.
Bye.

While in certain cases it could be great, the repetition of "they call him" doesn't do much for me in this poem. I do not think I felt what you were trying to make the reader feel (given there was a concerted purpose) when I read this. On a poem this short to have the first and last four lines be rather empty makes it tough to engage the reader and I found myself lost in the repetition. I cannot offer much more feedback because I don't quite understand where you were trying to go with it.

Cheers!

[SaddestStates]

While I appeciate the commentary and criticism on the struggles of the working class, I feel your poem lacks clarity, doesn't quite say enough to really stand out.

"Hi.
Yes, trash man?"

It's a little confusing that you begin the poem as a conversation with the trash man, or perhaps the 'Hi' was intended for the audience, but then continue only with commentary. I would refer back to the conversational aspect at least once in the verses.

I really liked the use of this interaction, and I could be shooting off in the wrong direction, the lowly trash man says hi to the people, and since he is lowly, they reply back, Yes, trash man? because of his job, and his status in life. Also like they are bugging him.

There's very few words in this, but that leaves it open to a lot of interpretation to the reader. But maybe a bit more context, to reign it in a little bit would be better, instead of letting it go wide open. Overall I enjoyed this.

[Erthona]

Curbside waste collectors make about $22,000 a year at the low end. So in general, unless they have a whole lot of kids, they would not get much in food stamps. So this shows a bit of a misunderstanding of the reality and more operating out of some kind of past nostalgia. It also shows a certain stereotype. This takes the form of pity, where the pity is directed at a group of people that the person who pities them has little real knowledge of. In a word, it seems degrading, more than making a case for, although I feel sure it was the latter the writer was aiming at.   
I can see the lines are supposed to suggests a one sided, present dialogue at beginning and end, however this suffers from lack of accurate punctuation. The poor punctuation in this is also fighting against where the poem wants to go. Regardless, were all the technical errors corrected, there is little of substance to hang ones hat on. The overt repetition also severely hinders the poem. I can see how the writer is attempting a reverse image with the long line as the fulcrum.

I really like the idea of negative and positive mirror images and having this be reflected in the physical appearance of the poem, but the application here is hardly worthy of the idea.

Dale