03-31-2015, 02:51 PM
I'm just gunna do the most recent one though i really should do the original but I'm lazy.
(03-17-2015, 12:26 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: Reluctant Flower-edit 2 (ellajam, Erthona, Psyche)
Distinguished from most other youth, Kind weird for me to have the subject introduced in the second line BUT that's just me.
she fought for justice, valued truth. I wonder if switching these first two lines would make any difference other than flow a bit better.
Friends called her 'freak' and 'flower child';
they thought her style of clothing wild. cool imagery
With wanderlust and dreams of bliss
she left her family with a kiss.
She wandered many winding paths,
in foreign lands, took naked baths. adventure. love it.
On vans were painted 'Jesus saves',
they passed far lands by silent graves. last line seems a bit forced, but only compared to the rest of the stanza
But buried deep and kept confined
the scars of misadventure pined. I dont know if pined is the right word here, but I get what's happening
She tasted bruised and bitter fruit
on ragged roads in worn pursuit. I love this story
She sensed her weary spirit fail;
but cries for help laid in lost mail. Imagery here is a bit off
When lost at sea on crumbling craft,
she clung onto a sinking raft.
Tormenting trials that with time grew,
a tasty treat for satan's stew. Bit forced
Reluctant flower in the glade,
on beds of thorns your petals stayed; Stanza seems a bit out of place like its an entirely separate poem
were ripped to shreds by sharpened blades But it kind of works as a denouement.
then blown to dust in life's parades.
I "feel" as if though one more stanza here for conclusion is needed but that's just me.
g.e.Kaye 4/2/15