Reluctant Flower-edit 2 (Erthona, ellajam, Psyche)
#21
I'm just gunna do the most recent one though i really should do the original but I'm lazy.

(03-17-2015, 12:26 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  Reluctant Flower-edit 2 (ellajam, Erthona, Psyche)

Distinguished from most other youth,     Kind weird for me to have the subject introduced in the second line BUT that's just me.  
she fought for justice, valued truth.         I wonder if switching these first two lines would make any difference other than flow a bit better.
Friends called her 'freak' and 'flower child';
they thought her style of clothing wild.   cool imagery
With wanderlust and dreams of bliss
she left her family with a kiss.
She wandered many winding paths,
in foreign lands, took naked baths.     adventure. love it.
On vans were painted 'Jesus saves',
they passed far lands by silent graves.     last line seems a bit forced, but only compared to the rest of the stanza

But buried deep and kept confined     
the scars of misadventure pined.  I dont know if pined is the right word here, but I get what's happening
She tasted bruised and bitter fruit
on ragged roads in worn pursuit.  I love this story
She sensed her weary spirit fail;  
but cries for help laid in lost mail.  Imagery here is a bit off
When lost at sea on crumbling craft,
she clung onto a sinking raft.
Tormenting trials that with time grew,
a tasty treat for satan's stew.    Bit forced

Reluctant flower in the glade,
on beds of thorns your petals stayed;    Stanza seems a bit out of place like its an entirely separate poem
were ripped to shreds by sharpened blades  But it kind of works as a denouement.
then blown to dust in life's parades.

I "feel" as if though one more stanza here for conclusion is needed but that's just me. Smile

g.e.Kaye 4/2/15
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#22
Hi: thank you very much for your thoughts and time. Here the word pine would mean to languish. I will definitely revisit that line, again, about "lost in the mail". I think the entire first couplet together, as descriptive, is the introduction. Yes, the last stanza is in different form from the rest; I do experiment. Thanks again, Loretta
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