His voice is a buzzing slave.
A fly on the wall
I smear the hardwood with elbow grease
And under these diode stars
Curtains fall over me
And drag me down into the night.
Inside of my square carousel
A book is the sun
Of my solar system.
Black holes melt into puddles,
Slide off the page
And say hello to my eyes.
The crowd cheers for me.
Bottle in my fist,
I Soldier on.
Liquify my brain,
Valves bent with pent-up steam
on just one of many pipes.
The alarm rings but I haven’t
Set the clock.
Red filt streaks
Run through the paper
Crumpled in my fist.
I breathe out.
The world shifts back upright,
Still crooked. Still dim.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
still wondering about the title
all in all i liked the piece though it is a bit wordy in a couple of places. i also struggled with filt and square carousel[though i see that as the study in the title] the opening line is excellent as is the extention of the metaphor into the 2nd line. the caps don't help the poem in any way.
(03-19-2015, 04:27 PM)Entenzahn Wrote: His voice is a buzzing slave.
A fly on the wall
I smear the hardwood with elbow grease
And under these diode stars
Curtains fall over me
And drag me down into the night.
Inside of my square carousel ?
A book is the sun
Of my solar system.
Black holes melt into puddles,
Slide off the page
And say hello to my eyes. i think this is great, the metaphor the imagination, the love of reading
The crowd cheers for me.
Bottle in my fist,
I Soldier on.
Liquify my brain, liquefy
Valves bent with pent-up steam
on just one of many pipes.
The alarm rings but I haven’t
Set the clock.
Red filt streaks i have no idea what filt is?
Run through the paper
Crumpled in my fist.
I breathe out.
The world shifts back upright,
Still crooked. Still dim.
Posts: 23
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2015
I enjoyed reading this! I think I am just missing it - whose voice is described in the first line? I agree with the feedback on the caps. I tend to do the same thing and it can be distracting. Some little comments below.
Also, in the third stanza, line 5 - for some reason the rhyme between "bent" and "pent-up" doesn't read well for me in this poem perhaps because that structure doesn't appear anywhere else. This is really picky, probably just me feedback though.
Overall - great work!
(03-19-2015, 04:27 PM)Entenzahn Wrote: His voice is a buzzing slave.
A fly on the wall
I smear the hardwood with elbow grease
And under these diode stars love this line
Curtains fall over me
And drag me down into the night.
Inside of my square carousel ?
A book is the sun
Of my solar system.
Black holes melt into puddles,
Slide off the page
And say hello to my eyes.
The crowd cheers for me.
Bottle in my fist,
I Soldier on. why is "Soldier" capped?
Liquify my brain,
Valves bent with pent-up steam
on just one of many pipes. is this the one line intentionally not capped?
The alarm rings but I haven’t
Set the clock.
Red filt streaks
Run through the paper maybe use a descriptive word instead of "the"- it could add to the imagery here
Crumpled in my fist.
I breathe out.
The world shifts back upright,
Still crooked. Still dim.
Posts: 222
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2014
(03-19-2015, 04:27 PM)Entenzahn Wrote: His voice is a buzzing slave.
A fly on the wall
I smear the hardwood with elbow grease
And under these diode stars
Curtains fall over me
And drag me down into the night.
Inside of my square carousel
A book is the sun
Of my solar system.
Black holes melt into puddles,
Slide off the page
And say hello to my eyes.
The crowd cheers for me.
Bottle in my fist,
I Soldier on.
Liquify my brain,
Valves bent with pent-up steam
on just one of many pipes.
The alarm rings but I haven’t
Set the clock.
Red filt streaks
Run through the paper
Crumpled in my fist.
I breathe out.
The world shifts back upright,
Still crooked. Still dim.
Hi: Don't know what filt is and also have trouble with "square carousel" although I'm sure you have a purpose for its image. I would turn S1, L3 into two lines after hardwood.. I'm sorry, but I don't understand where the "cheers" come from. I like the way you wrote the last stanza. Loretta
Thanks for the feedback everyone! I'll possibly revise this some time later this week.
"Soldier" and "on" were indeed capitalization errors on my part.
