Posts: 6
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2015
Confusion, delusion, intrusion
a shatterd... crystalline pearl
hazy shining, glimmer crazy!
mind in pieces... truly pure
_________and white as snow.
Fiery heavens burn my skin
A wolf in disguise_________
____________ O am I keen!
A shimmering diamond,
___________I am devils kin.
Posts: 750
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
(03-13-2015, 10:18 PM)10BIT Wrote: Hey 10. I appreciate your attempt at originality here, but you have several obstacles to overcome.
Confusion, delusion, intrusion the chance of 3 successive rhymes that all ADD to your meaning is slim. Avoid sacrificing meaning for rhyme.
a shatterd... crystalline pearl
hazy shining, glimmer crazy! here you are asking a pearl to be " shattered, crystalline, hazy, shining and glimmer crazy. It's a whole world of contradictions.
mind in pieces... truly pure
_________and white as snow. __________ is not punctuation. It's graffiti all over your poem. "white as snow" is lazy cliche.
Fiery heavens burn my skin
A wolf in disguise_________
____________ O am I keen!
A shimmering diamond,
___________I am devils kin.
Welcome,
Paul
Posts: 170
Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
hello,
To say that I think I am missing something would be an understatement. I probably am, but unfortunately I have the suspicion that what I am missing will not greatly increase my enjoyment of this poem. But I have only read it the once, and this will be my second. So a crit in real time 
(03-13-2015, 10:18 PM)10BIT Wrote: Confusion, delusion, intrusion - this could quite possibly be the worst opening to anything that has ever had an opening (including Arbeit macht frei). It is so obviously terrible that it would be improper for me to elaberate. There should be some kind of punctuation mark at the end.
a shatterd... crystalline pearl - what't the elipse for? how does this line relate to the previous line?
hazy shining, glimmer crazy! - 'hazy' and 'shining' pretty much the definition of 'glimmer'. Is this about make-up?
mind in pieces... truly pure - elipses again, for why? Anyway, aha, this is your mind? But it is still about cosmetics, right? Mind in pieces is cliche.
_________and white as snow. - am I supposed to write it, too? 'white as snow' is cliche as is 'pure as snow'.
Fiery heavens burn my skin - Fiery heavens is not cliche, but it doesn't subvert the cliche enough to justify it. Suntan lotion?
A wolf in disguise_________ - Cliche. And another fill in the blanks, for god knows what reason.
____________ O am I keen! - :/
A shimmering diamond, - shimmering, shining, hazy, glimmering... diamonds, crystals and peals... this is about Boots isn't it!?
___________I am devils kin. - blanks. I filled them in with expleatives. It actually improved it.
My critique is a little flippant, but come on, what did you expect. It is as vacuous as its 'fill in the blank' lines.
Posts: 21
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2015
I really liked how you built the poem into a fast tempo at the beginning, but felt it lost all momentum when you hit this line:
"mind in pieces... truly pure"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following:
"fiery heavens"
"a wolf in disguise"
"a shimmering diamond"
are all overused and archaic phrases that could easily be replaced by your own original imagery.
Posts: 6
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2015
Thanks for your feedback!
These blanks are not actually meant for filling in but rather to make the poem build an image in your mind
i guess i kind of failed at that...
I tried to show the thoughts going through my mind and the constant struggle of keeping them together
so cliche is actually what my mind runs into a lot of the time i guess...
Any ideas on how to actually improve this?
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
(03-14-2015, 11:59 AM)10BIT Wrote: Thanks for your feedback!
These blanks are not actually meant for filling in but rather to make the poem build an image in your mind
i guess i kind of failed at that...
I tried to show the thoughts going through my mind and the constant struggle of keeping them together
so cliche is actually what my mind runs into a lot of the time i guess...
Any ideas on how to actually improve this?
Read more, write more. Cliche is something that you'll 'grow' out of as long as you keep exposing yourself to good writing.
Back!
Posts: 21
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2015
(03-14-2015, 11:59 AM)10BIT Wrote: Thanks for your feedback!
These blanks are not actually meant for filling in but rather to make the poem build an image in your mind
i guess i kind of failed at that...
I tried to show the thoughts going through my mind and the constant struggle of keeping them together
so cliche is actually what my mind runs into a lot of the time i guess...
Any ideas on how to actually improve this?
what's another way to say fiery heavens? Put into plain words what you're trying to say. Then rewrite those words until they sound the way you want them to sound.
Posts: 170
Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
(03-14-2015, 11:59 AM)10BIT Wrote: Thanks for your feedback!
These blanks are not actually meant for filling in but rather to make the poem build an image in your mind
i guess i kind of failed at that...
I tried to show the thoughts going through my mind and the constant struggle of keeping them together
so cliche is actually what my mind runs into a lot of the time i guess...
Any ideas on how to actually improve this?
Hello,
Yes, I didn't really think the blanks were for filling in, I was being cheeky  However, I could only really guess that, because the underscore line is confusing. It isn't punctuation, at least, I cannot recall it used as punctuation (you may be able to find an obscure example).
Anyhow, yep it failed. But as they say, failure isn't a problem until it becomes a habit.
With regards to improving it, take out the underscores and use some proper punctuation or even line spaces if you want to 'build an image' in the mind. The elipses could be replaced, too. These things show your lack of confidence. Try writing it with standard punctuation and maybe line spaces.
The cliche thing is a bit more tricky, because if you are just writing the first thing that comes into your head (in a kind of automatic writing/free writing/stream of consciousness kind of way), then of course cliches are always right there; they come preformed and you don't have to think too much (ironically). I think someone else said it, but the only way round this is to train yourself to recognise cliches. But this is all general advice. When it comes to this particular poem, I think it is lost. I mean that in the sense that in order to improve the poem you would have to change it so raadically that I doubt it would even resemble the original poem in any way.
Posts: 222
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2014
(03-13-2015, 10:18 PM)10BIT Wrote: Confusion, delusion, intrusion
a shatterd... crystalline pearl
hazy shining, glimmer crazy!
mind in pieces... truly pure
_________and white as snow.
Fiery heavens burn my skin
A wolf in disguise_________
____________ O am I keen!
A shimmering diamond,
___________I am devils kin.
I suppose the first line of 3 rhymes are supposed to create drama; but "confusion" here is my dominant thought.
I have no idea what you are trying to say here; as many terms contradict each other: "hazy" but "shining", what is the thought behine "glimmer crazy". The "mind is in pieces" but "truly pure" doesn't make sense to me, and I don't see how the lines relate to each other: "Fiery heavens burn my skin", relates to "A wolf in disguise" how. I do see how you are trying to be innovative here. Loretta
|
