3-12-15 'Ku

[Tiger the Lion]

this year
we tap the maples
late

[Magpie]

Hi Paul,

Feels like there should be a dash at the end of the second line or something to create a pause to make the last line more poignant. Also, I can't quite decide if 'this year' is needed. It could be read as being in the present tense ie whilst the maples are being tapped, in which case 'this year' seems redundant. But it could also be read as what is going to happen in the future ie 'we (will) tap the maples late', in which case 'this year' works a little better.

I like the image and what it implies. I also can't help looking at the word 'tap' and how many different meanings it can have, even as far as the British slang "to tap someone" meaning to ask someone for money/beg.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Paul,

Feels like there should be a dash at the end of the second line or something to create a pause to make the last line more poignant. Also, I can't quite decide if 'this year' is needed. It could be read as being in the present tense ie whilst the maples are being tapped, in which case 'this year' seems redundant. But it could also be read as what is going to happen in the future ie 'we (will) tap the maples late', in which case 'this year' works a little better.

I like the image and what it implies. I also can't help looking at the word 'tap' and how many different meanings it can have, even as far as the British slang "to tap someone" meaning to ask someone for money/beg.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

Thanks Mark. You pretty much nailed every point I've been struggling with. I'm wondering if changing "tap" to "tapped" might solve some issues. I'm gonna work with this some more. I think the 'Ku is a little Canada-centric, but I can't fix that.
Thanks for the input,
Paul

[Magpie]

I can see why you say 'struggling' with it, there doesn't seem to be any obvious straight forward answer. To take out 'this year' then leaves 'late' a bit vulnerable to be misinterpreted as a time of day, especially if you were unaware of what 'tapping the maples' was. I was thinking something along the lines of 'we tapped the maples later than usual' but it doesn't solve the issue with time... 'two weeks late' ???? 'a month later than usual' ???? a bit too verbose???
There will be a way to say it somehow.
Also meant to say keep the 'we'. I think it would be easier to say it by not implying that it was a shared experience, but then I think that it would lose a lot without it.

Good luck

Mark

[billy]

this year
we tap the maples
late

a suggestion would be

this year
we tap the maples
it's late

which while ambiguous is also straight forward depending what one sees late as.

late in the season, or the year, or even the day?

personally i'd choose someting different than [this year]

[Leah S.]

this year
we tap the maples
late

Haikus need a 'haiku moment.' I never tinker with other people's haikus, but I think you need more of a moment. Thoughts:
1) if it's too late in the year the sap does not run as well, and isn't as sweet.
2) Making maple syrup and sugar is hard work and usually shared in the community, if it's not a commercial enterprise. Is there a metaphor?
3) If "late" is meant to be ambiguous or have a double meaning, you'll have to go back and clearly establish a metaphor.
4) If there is no metaphor, then you need to put us (the readers) unequivocally in "the moment." We need to actually experience something.