Beneath a Purple Sky edit #1

[Wjames]

Edit # 1:

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface became laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.
 
A helicopter seed spun down with a breeze
that drew goosebumps on my arms
and patterns in the grass.
 
I was the first to laugh.

Original:

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface seemed to become laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.

[shemthepenman]

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface seemed to become laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.

the first two stanzas are very well observed and gave me a chuckle. I like the idea of surfaces becoming laminated; however, I think discribing an halucination is a bit like listening to someone tell you about a dream they had... pretty boring for anyone that didn't have the dream. In which case, I would like another level to the poem, something that the lamination of surfaces joined onto in concept. The last two lines are weak at best. It is supposed to create the image of the hallucination, yet it doesn't, it simply confuses it, as if by putting it into abstract language it somehow creates an image of that strangeness. Again, it doesn't. The logical question of 'what is shining from all angles?' stops any image, then logic kicks in, and at that point the poem is lost.

I wrote something about a series of hallucinations and I tried to do two things with it, 1) always try to have something else going on that could give the piece bones, and 2) no matter how strange the experience, try to make it concrete (for example, 'each surface became laminated' [ and drop the 'seemed'].

having said that, and back to the first two, it is a really good expression of that 'is this it' moment... and fields, for some strange reason

[just mercedes]

I think you stopped too soon. The first two stanzas are good, the third just seems to bundle up the slowly emerging experience, and put it away. I'd rather go for the trip! I kept wanting to read 'animated' for 'laminated', too. I hope you keep going with this.

[Magpie]

I have to agree with the others, it does seem odd that you ended the poem where you did. I kind of feel robbed because I wanted to go on the journey with you.

I really enjoyed the beginning because it was famaliar to me having experienced similar situations, having said that I think sometimes with drug poems there is a tendency to forget about the 'straight' world as it were and the fact that they have no idea what a trip is like. Not that you have done that hear but in the hope that you continue this poem (which you surely must) then it's something to bear in mind.

One other thing, the title doesn't seem to fit with the information from the poem but because you are going to write more then it may seem more apt later. But I do think that a full on dramatic title may work better considering the subject matter.

Thanks for the read, hope to see you develop it further,

Mark

[JGmusic512]

You really summed up the anticipation and expectation one experiences while eagerly awaiting a trip to kick in. Line two really enforces this anticipation for the reader; however, I think you have a really good opportunity with the word "ripple" to use some other watery imagery to describe the visuals you might be experiencing or hoping to experience.

Stanza 2 really adds a lightheartedness to the experience because it is shared with another while providing the launching point for the trip. I do think you could come up with a more impactful line than "we stopped thinking altogether" to essentially say "we started tripping out;" there are SO many descriptive words you can use to say what you were thinking, or feeling (if you want to play off of "I think I feel something". This stanza took me back to a music festival I was at with my girlfriend where I tried acid for the first time; as the band started playing and the stage-lights erupted I thought to myself "this all seems pretty normal, when is this going to kick in?" After a while I was wondering if it ever would. Then, staring at the night sky, I saw a plane flying beneath the stars moving at a steady pace, but just behind it was another plane moving at the exact same trajectory and pace. This struck me as slightly odd at the time but I shrugged it off until the stars themselves began spinning like pinwheels in a windy yard. This realization that the trip had most certainly begun, I perceived a myriad of new sights and sounds that I could go into great detail on. This is what I would like to see from this poem because it has a lot of potential to deliver YOUR "trip" experience in a way that makes the reader feel like they are experiencing it too.

Stanza three is a good starting point for the experience and "laminated" is a cool description of the surfaces. I've experienced my surroundings like a Monet painting on a trip before which was the closest I've come to relating to stanza 3. Light itself has a ton of possible descriptions and metaphors you could use to breathe more life into the poem. Keep going, I feel like there is a long journey left to share that you are only scratching the surface of! Take us there!

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading this guys, some good things to think about.

I would like to lengthen it, and add in "the trip", but I find it's tough to write about psychedelics without sinking into either nonsense, or cliche.

Also, the trip I wrote this about took place like 3 or 4 years ago, and its been over a year since I've done any psychedelics, so my memory's a little fuzzy.

I'll post an edit sooner or later.

[Wjames]

I've done a little revision here, using one of Shem's suggestions. I might cut "shining from all angles", I'm still thinking on it. I've also added a little bit to the ending, I'd like to hear what you guys think of it now if you can.

[bena]

I really like the revision, think you moved in the right direction. I like the addition, it brings that sense of finality that it was missing before, and gives us a glimpse into the N's thoughts, therefore the scene can be continued in the minds of the readers. Nice stuff!

mel.

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading Bena, glad you liked it.

I wasn't sure if the last line would work for anyone else, I'm glad it does for you!

[just mercedes]

Yes, good revision - you bring the sense of touch to the poem with a shiver, and the last line, with its near rhyme, closes the poem strongly.

[Magpie]

Wow, this is a good edit and with only 4 lines added. What a difference.
"Goosebumps" is a nice touch that adds a feeling to the trip as well as the visuals.
And the last line brings it back to being a shared experience which you used so well in the first two stanzas.

Just one point about the repitition of 'first', it's in there three times. I like it on the last line because it links back to the first line. Perhaps the one on the second line could be changed. It's not a must though.

Great edit, cheers for the read,

Mark

[RooktoKing]

Edit # 1:

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface became laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.
 
A helicopter seed spun down with a breeze
that drew goosebumps on my arms
and patterns in the grass.
 
I was the first to laugh.

Original:

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually, this whole stanza is really nicely done. explains what is going on but doesn't overstate anything
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface seemed to become laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.

I like this ending, in and of itself. It's quirky, tongue in cheek, and unexpected. I like the casual observatory nature, almost like you're just watching it all objectively. I think I want one more twist or beat in the poem. Right now it just feels like a snapshot of a moment in time-which is fine if that's what you want it to be, but I think there is the potential for more here.

[christophx]

Edit # 1:

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface became laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.
 
A helicopter seed spun down with a breeze
that drew goosebumps on my arms
and patterns in the grass.
 
I was the first to laugh.

Original:

For the first half hour we sat in a field,
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
 
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
 
Gradually, each surface seemed to become laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.

Really interesting although I'm definitely left hanging, I feel that you should really consider adding more as this poem has a lot of room for movement. This piece kind of gave off a romantic, care free vibe which I really enjoyed and I hope you choose to embellish this further

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and commenting guys, I like the poem as is, but I might come back to it at some point.