Reunion

[kreichert]

Reunion (revision 2)

Her touch flared across his shoulder
and the decades melted,
a tremulous tracing,
a particle
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible,
a trail of what was.
Its spark,
a party to the present,
as urgent as breath.



Reunion in San Clemente  (original)

Her touch reverberated across his shirted shoulder
and the decades melted.
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible,
a trail of what was,
and where.
Its spark,
though fleeting,
a party to the present,
as immediate
as breath and as urgent.

[ellajam]

Hi, kreichert, welcome to The Pig Pen. I'm enjoying this, some of the alliteration is a bit less than graceful but it is clear and lovely in spots. milo taught me here about avoiding consonant slide alliteration, where the first two letters of adjacent words have the same sound. While tremulous tracing doesn't bother me personally shirted shoulder does not have an appealing sound. Just something for you to think about and decide on your own what you prefer. Here are some notes.

Reunion in San Clemente

Her touch reverberated across his shirted shoulder I'd prefer this line without shirted, I don't think shoulder implies nakedness. And you might want to think about either "across his shoulders" or "through his shoulder".
and the decades melted. Very clear and identifiable.
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions Akin is an odd word to chose but I like it with ions.
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible, I like this line, it made me think and is fun to say.
a trail of what was, I'm unsure about the comma.
and where.
Its spark,
though fleeting, You may want to lose this line, the spark already says fleeting for me.
a party to the present,
as immediate
as breath and as urgent. You might consider "and urgent as breath."

Just some points to think about.

[kreichert]

Hi, kreichert, welcome to The Pig Pen. I'm enjoying this, some of the alliteration is a bit less than graceful but it is clear and lovely in spots. milo taught me here about avoiding consonant slide alliteration, where the first two letters of adjacent words have the same sound. While tremulous tracing doesn't bother me personally shirted shoulder does not have an appealing sound. Just something for you to think about and decide on your own what you prefer. Here are some notes.

Reunion in San Clemente

Her touch reverberated across his shirted shoulder I'd prefer this line without shirted, I don't think shoulder implies nakedness. And you might want to think about either "across his shoulders" or "through his shoulder".
and the decades melted. Very clear and identifiable.
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions Akin is an odd word to chose but I like it with ions.
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible, I like this line, it made me think and is fun to say.
a trail of what was, I'm unsure about the comma.
and where.
Its spark,
though fleeting, You may want to lose this line, the spark already says fleeting for me.
a party to the present,
as immediate
as breath and as urgent. You might consider "and urgent as breath."

Just some points to think about.

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time. I had never considered the slide alliteration. Below is a revised copy taking your comments into consideration.

Reunion in San Clemente

Her touch reverberated across his shoulders
and the decades melted.
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible,
a trail of what was
and where.
Its spark,
a party to the present,
as immediate
and urgent as breath.

[ellajam]

Hi again. The preferred method of posting an edit is to label it and place it above your original in the opening post, that way people new to the thread will critique the current version. I'll read soon.

[ChristopherSea]

Greetings Kreichert,  I love incorporating science into poetry.    However,
it is not always easy to do so with the proper accuracy.

I think ‘reverberated’ is the wrong word choice as it involves sound
and a touch would be more somatosensory, i.e., neuromuscular or chemoreceptor engaged.

By using ionization in a cloud chamber as a metaphor you employ an electromagnetic phenomenon.
Therefore, something in the vein of:

‘…conducted warmth or current through…’

would make more sense. It would also provide the energy source to melt those decades (sound would not).

Your punctuation is off because the second sentence is incomplete unless linked to the first. A 'comma' for that 'period' after 'melted' should rectify it.

Although I like it, you are a bit off in formulating the scientific metaphor.
The ions are a result of charged particle bombardment, they don’t do the moving.
They form the condensation nuclei for visualization. It is usually charged alpha- and/or
beta-particles that move through the chamber. You could substitute ‘particles’ for ‘ions
and maintain accuracy.

I don’t feel that the cloud chamber illustrates the sense of touch very well, but you do explain
how the touch brought forth the forgotten or obscured (the invisible) and that aspect is analogous
to what the chamber does.  

Possibly indicating what is sparked or visualized would help the reader better
once the metaphor is straightened out. As it sits, the piece is rather abstract.

Good luck with your next edit and welcome to the site.   /Chris

[SimikPK]

Hello, I haven't visited the forum for a long time, so don't take my feedback too seriously, but anyway. Overall, what I appreciate about the poem that it is quite clear what you want to say and you do it, also the combination of the concrete, physical and the abstract (the concept of time...) makes a good contrast.

Reunion in San Clemente maybe I miss something, but I don't see the significance of the city name. As someone told me some time ago on this forum, handle proper names like uranium - very carefully. I don't want to impose myself on you, but simple Reunion would work for me - or make some specific reference to the city in the body of the poem. Wiki says the city is famous for its views, which could go in line with some stuff of the poem, clouds for example.

Her touch reverberated across his shoulders the line is good in the respect that it doesn't leave "her touch" alone, which would make it too cliché, but I see the problem of its being to long, when compared to the remaininig lines.
and the decades melted. agree with ellajam, nice imagery , probably the best line of the poem
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions nice play with sounds, but as has been already pointed out, akin is kind of "ye olde poetry"
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible,
a trail of what was
and where. to me personally, this line is too weak - where is just simply semantically too light/empty
Its spark what I see here is the nice paralell between the ion and the spark. maybe consider making the ions only singular - just a suggestion
a party to the present,
as immediate
and urgent as breath. immediate and urgent are too similar, consider leaving immediate out