That Field Of Clover

[Magnum]

Laying in a field of clover, my white shirt stained with green
The day is almost over, the sun hides in-between
The white spun clouds of Autumn, above the castle’s lawn
I mean to pass the time here, until the break of dawn
I wake to feel the sun, beat on my placid face
And so I rise and walk, a slow and tranquil pace
A team of trotting horses, pulling canons pass me by
The knights are close behind, I hear their victory cry
And so I join my men, on this a forlorn day
Preparing for the armies, heading fast this way
I grab my lance and shield, and kneel to say a prayer
And soon to mount my horse, and lead it from it’s lair
My armor now feels heavy, my horse begins to sag
My duty to the queen, and to my country’s flag
Has moved me to forget, the field where once I laid
And off to war I go, I dare not be afraid
Through days of mortal combat, and cries of dying men
I sped through scenes of carnage, and crossed the bloodied glen
That led us to the battle field, beyond the Cliffs of Dover
And trampled through in hundreds, across that field of clover

[kreichert]

Magnum,
Rhyme can be very difficult. Often we stretch or force a word that "sort of" carries the meaning we wish to express. There are several things I'd like you to think about. You have the knights' "victory cry" before the battle has taken place. You reference "victory cry" yet call it a "forlorn day. " Usually the term "lair" refers to a beast, monster or something evil in nature. I would look for a different word to refer to the horse's stable. The term "sag" also seems a stretch to find a rhyme rather than the best term for the line. You bring the poem full circle from rolling in the fields of clover to trampling them during the battle. I think that is very well done. Keep at it. This has potential and, as I said, rhyme is the most difficult thing to do well.

kr

[Magnum]

Ah, the knights just arrived from another battle, and those armies are following, as this knight soon found out, therefore a forlorn day. And so the knight prepares to join his men after a restful sleep in the field of clover. As for the horse's "sag", I don't know of any other way to explain what the horse does with a heavy weight on it. I would sag if the knight got on my back if I was on all fours, wouldn't you? Thanks for the input. Rephrasing is possible only if the winds of wisdom blow my way...

Moved out of the workshops awaiting "the winds of wisdom". /mod

[Erthona]

Meter is inconsistent. Mostly iambs (although this is not consistent) , but the length varies between six a seven feet.

"Rolling in a field of clover" cliche

" the sun hides in-between" the reader is never told between what and what.

A number of the rhymes are trite. I would recommend dropping the rhyming couplets, and go for abab pattern.

Starting each line with a capital letter is purely affectation, as there is no rational justification for it, nor doing so makes it easier on ones readers.

The thesis, that war benumbs us to beauty, is a well worn story. However there is little here that is original.


Dale

[Brownlie]

Rolling in a field of clover, my white shirt stained with green -- I would omit the stained with green bit. If you're rolling in a clover field in a white shirt the reader can infer that info.
The day is almost over, the sun hides in-between -- Again, I would omit "the day is almost over" as the description of the sun suggests that.
The white spun clouds of Autumn, above the castle’s lawn
I mean to pass the time here, until the break of dawn

I wake to feel the sun, beat on my placid face -- Maybe describe the physical details of a placid face.
And so I rise and walk, a slow and tranquil pace
A team of trotting horses, pulling canons pass me by
The knights are close behind, I hear their victory cry    

And so I join my men, on this a forlorn day
Preparing for the armies, heading fast this way
I grab my lance and shield, and kneel to say a prayer
And soon to mount my horse, and lead it from it’s lair

My armor now feels heavy, my horse begins to sag
My duty to the queen, and to my country’s flag
Has moved me to forget, the field where once I laid
And off to war I go, I dare not be afraid

Through days of mortal combat, and cries of dying men
I sped through scenes of carnage, and crossed the bloodied glen
That led us to the battle field, beyond the Cliffs of Dover  
And trampled through in hundreds, across that field of clover

Ok, so here's my two cents. This poem is in an archaic locale like a green beret wielding a sword, or something: It's anachronistic. A strategy to write about this sort of topic may be to look at an old picture and describe it or something. Rolling in the grass with a white shirt on is sort of cool to me though.

[Heartafire]

I think I might start with "In a field of clover..." omitting rolling. It does seem that you have forced a bit, I suppose for fluidity, for example; wake to feel the sun, beat on my placid face. I think this would be best without "beat" , just " the feel of the sun on my placid face" pretty well covers the image/feel you are going for. S2l2, you could get right into the line without the use of "and" and so on. I enjoyed this poem very much, I think you could improve it with a good going over in search of forced words or phrases that very often find there way into rhyming poetry. Thank you so much for allowing my to give my opinion on this. My best to you. Holly