Tuareg

[just mercedes]

The people who live in the desert
take refuge at noon with camels and dogs
in shadow blocks around them, to drowse
at ease in dreams of water.
 
They still heed their Master’s voice
‘keep clean the wells, they hold
my living blood.’
 
Their dreams flow like
underground streams while      
kingdoms build and fall
through centuries around them.
 
Their falcon souls fly, searching for
the wrist that never twists away,
the centre that stays fixed
ready for rain’s awakening –
the people who live in the desert.
 
 
 
 
 

[fromcancertocapricorn]

The people who live in the desert
take refuge at noon with camels and dogs
in shadow blocks around them, to drowse
at ease in dreams of water. To me the word drowse already explains that they are at ease. I think here less may be more.
 
They still heed their Master’s voice
‘keep clean the wells, they hold
my living blood.’
 
Their dreams flow like
underground streams while       Underground streams seems like a cliched phrase to use here.
kingdoms build and fall
through centuries around them. I like this sense of isolation here.
 
Their falcon souls fly, searching for
the wrist that never twists away,
the centre that stays fixed
ready for rain’s awakening –
the people who live in the desert.
 
 
 
 
 

I don't think you really make the point of your poem clear to the reader, which, as a fellow poet I can appreciate. However, while I'm sure it makes lots of sense to you during the writing process, it comes off as pretentious obscurity. What is the importance of the people who live in the desert?

[tectak]

The people who live in the desert Sweeping generalisations don't do it for me...and before you say it, I KNOW that architects never go to the theatre.
take refuge at noon with camels and dogs Again, if only this were true. I am thinking of Las
vegas here...where do YOU mean? Desert dogs....hmmmm...Azawakh maybe...but not enough to link to the Tuareg desert nomad. Note! I am only referencing the NOMADIC Tuareg here. True nomads DO tolerate the noon day sun. The Azawakh dog is heat proof to 60deg centigrade  but tends to be settled domestically....like asses. Aw, fuck it. Who cares. Dogs, goats, asses, nomads...it's poetry! Ignore me. Serious point coming. As an opener for a cheap film scroll-up of The Dune Trilogy it might work but it just don't gel so it ain't aspic. Try losing the "The". "There are those who..." IS wordy but rings with some reality...but better is "Tuaregs live in the desert sands and take refuge at noon with their camels and dogs (goats. I cannot say I ever saw nomadic  Tuaregs with camels and dogs. If I'm wrong I'm wrong)"
in shadow blocks around them, to drowse
at ease in dreams of water. "drowse at ease" is overstating and compounded by "...in dreams" There are better ways of capturing the hot  somnalence and soporific "feel" which you, merc, are more than capable of describing. Actually, I read this as a simplistic scene-setting where the imagined vista is not  fully visualised. I cannot quite see it and this annoys me....my fault, maybe, but I have been there....dogs were absent.
 
They still heed their Master’s voice Who do? Who he? You do not say. This is gappy.Is it the dogs again? HMV?Don't piss in the oasis?
‘keep clean the wells, they hold
my living blood.’ Nothing wrong with this as a surmise....I am happy with the thought that the wells are deep and the thinking a little more profound...arcane maybe, but more fitting than frivolous. Will you stick with this developing theme? We shall see.
 
Their dreams flow like Hmmm.....back to dreaming for an expanding cliche....though I cannot see why the individual cameos need such a chopping. The "flow" (you started it ) is now  far removed from what I thought would be a smooth transition...scene-setting to profound conclusion....and is now fragmented by enjambments. Why? To end three lines on like, while and fall...all enjambed....is crazy. You have thrown off the bonds of meter and rhyme long ago...why do you feel obligated to de-couple the carriages of your own thought train? Got me beat. I would go for longer lines...this is a camel train not a camel race. Long lines suit hot, dreamy, pensive poems. Short lines make for breathless prose.AIO.
underground streams while      
kingdoms build and fall
through centuries around them.
 
Their falcon souls fly, searching for
the wrist that never twists away,
the centre that stays fixed
ready for rain’s awakening –
the people who live in the desert. This is simply stunning in concept. The words are chosen not forced, the imagery is just fabulous. I am envious. "the wrist that never twists away.." is one of the best lines I have read for a very long time. Well done. Well done. Well done. The last line sucks and it is a trite lemon.
 
 
 
 
 

I have said too much. This IS in Serious, isn't it?
Very best,
tectak[/b]

[just mercedes]

Thank you both for reading and commenting. Tuareg means 'the people who live in the desert' and they believe that God commands them to look after the wells there - which come from underground streams. They have done so for thousands of years. Will keep your comments in mind for when I edit.

[Leah S.]

The people who live in the desert Maybe capitalize this to emphasize it is a title for the People?
take refuge at noon with camels and dogs
in shadow blocks around them, to drowse
at ease in dreams of water. I agree some cutting is in order. Maybe 'drowse in easy dreams of water' ?
 
They still heed their Master’s voice I got this totally.
‘keep clean the wells, they hold
my living blood.’
 
Their dreams flow like
underground streams while      
kingdoms build and fall All of S3 reads awkwardly for me. It also seems you've used "build' simply to avoid the cliché of 'rise and fall'.
through centuries around them. I think I like the complex inverted syntax here.
 
Their falcon souls fly, searching for I don't like the sound or rhythm of 'falcon souls'. Maybe 'falcon spirits' ?
the wrist that never twists away, I like this line best.
the centre that stays fixed If this is a reference to the 'center cannot hold' I'm not sure it's relevant.
ready for rain’s awakening – Your syntax says the centre is waiting for the rain to wake up. I tried to think of a way to fix it with punctuation, but I couldn't.
the people who live in the desert.