Made of Glass

[starsman]

I’m made of glass,
seen through but never seen,
my pane is clear
and invisible.

I give vision,
imparted through my naked self,
that light so warm
leaves me cold.

I long to be touched,
like when in those days long ago,
a child’s playful finger
placed a smile upon me.

But, such children were scolded,
and I was cleaned,
by chemicals
and frowns.

Though my being is fragile,
I have an unyielding heart,
a portal for two worlds
which I hold wide open.

The east and the west,
heaven and earth,
meet together through me,
my holy privilege.

For this I was made,
a paradox of proverbs,
profound and alone, alas..
I’m made of glass.


Poet's note: There are some parts of this poem I really don't like, but am feeling a little stuck on how to improve it. I'd love to see if you can spot those points and reveal some better ideas to me. Don't hold back, I love to know my weaknesses. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful words.

[ABennett]

To me this sounds too much like a riddle, not that there's anything wrong with writing riddles (and it turns out it's quite challenging to do).  The touches of melodrama don't strike me as needed (e.g. "I long to be touched,"), they only make the pane of glass a sort of caricature or stereotype. If I were the one writing this poem I would opt for a much more bleak tone:

I'm made of glass,
a veil of cold, clear crystal,
through which the world
projects.

I see the sunrise.
Leaves turn green then red
and brown again. A family warmly
joined as snow gathers outside.

I'm made of glass.
Through me a world lives
that's more distant than the stars
I watch at night.

I realize this does not capture the same affects you're going for with your poem, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to come up with something a little more minimalist.  I think if you were to pare down the poem you have to something like three stanzas you'd have a more lasting effect on the reader.  The fewer words we have to read to understand the feeling and image you're conveying the better!

Thank you for critiquing in Serious.  For future reference, may I recommend you read this thread on critique and feedback.  In particular, we ask that readers:

Remember that this is not your writing. Ask yourself what the author wants to achieve and how best that goal can be met within the existing framework of the piece. Do not attempt to impose your own style on another writer; a good reviewer will in fact impose the writer’s style on him/herself for the duration of the critique.

  
Experience has shown us that this is the most effective way to critique and assist the writer, especially in Serious Workshopping/ Admin

[starsman]

Thank you A.B.,

I see what you are saying. Surely, I could take a more laconic approach and cut out whatever is unnecessary. I really like your re-write of my poem, it is good and gives me many thoughts to ponder away on. I do appreciate minimalism, but am oft caught between trying to get everything I want in and brevity. I think you are right, somehow this will be better if it is more condensed.

Thank you again, my train of thought is beginning to chug along!

Cheers, S.M.

[belkar]

I like this poem. Personally I can really resonate with what you are saying. I feel like the first line would be more powerful if it was "I am" vs "I'm". Contractions take the power out of lines sometimes. I would re-evaluate what words are just filler and then take them out to flow better. For example line 10, taking out the "when" would read better in my opinion. I would also advice adopting a rhythm scheme. I used to not like using them because I thought that it restricted me too much, but as I continued I found that it forced me to find smaller lines that contained the same ideas, and it improved readability. My favorite stanza is the 6th one. I really like the imagery of the spirits of east and west meeting through you.

Tl;dr I like your poem, but if you are not happy with it, I would recommend you rewrite a little and adopt a rhythm pattern in order to condense your ideas.

[Grace]

I’m made of glass,
seen through but never seen,
my pane is clear
and invisible.

I give vision,
imparted through my naked self,
that light so warm
leaves me cold.

I long to be touched,
like when in those days long ago,
a child’s playful finger
placed a smile upon me.

But, such children were scolded,
and I was cleaned,
by chemicals
and frowns.

Though my being is fragile,
I have an unyielding heart,
a portal for two worlds
which I hold wide open.

The east and the west,
heaven and earth,
meet together through me,
my holy privilege.

For this I was made,
a paradox of proverbs,
profound and alone, alas..
I’m made of glass.


Poet's note: There are some parts of this poem I really don't like, but am feeling a little stuck on how to improve it. I'd love to see if you can spot those points and reveal some better ideas to me. Don't hold back, I love to know my weaknesses. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful words.

Interesting poem :-).  The paradox of glass ("seen through/never seen", "fragile/unyielding"), yes, but not sure about "paradox of proverbs"?  The poem left me puzzling over "made of glass" related questions, which is another paradox. The poem is not as clear as glass. As I said..interesting.

[starsman]

Thank you Belkar,

I certainly like your idea to make the words more punchy, if I may paraphrase what you said there. I will certainly consider rhyming!

Yes, the 6th stanza is a special one. Without it, the poem would be a little too melodramatic, and to be honest, I need to throw something redemptive in when I write something like this just for the sake of my own personal emotional hygiene.

------

Thank you Grace,

The metaphor of glass was a perplex one to explore. There was so much in it that I could relate to and convey, yet for something so apparently clear it is difficult to see all my intentions. That in itself is part of this: I have a difficulty in being honest. It seems like the more I try to say and expose, the less that is seen. Although I didn't write any specific stanza or line about that, it came through nevertheless.

So while I would hope to try and be clear, I somehow end up becoming invisible.

Paradox of proverbs is an extension of that. Here are some reasons I used it:

• the poetic device of alliteration
  it is thought provoking
  It presents an idea
  it ties in stanza 6 with the end.
  

The idea I hoped to present is this:

The East and West can never meet, for them to do so would be a paradox. It is the same with Heaven and Earth, the two are completely different realms. So I figured that would set the "paradox" part, which I then needed to tie back in with the matter of reconciling a difficult identity. Proverb fit the bill because it is something that takes a profound truth and makes it simple and easy to understand: clear. But, for being so clear, why is it that I end up enigmatic? A paradox... of proverbs.

tl;dr: paradox of proverbs - something that should be clear & simple but yet is so self-contradictory & soundly reasonable all at the same moment that is is obscure.

Now, do I try and make some of these themes easier to see? There are so many of them in there, it's stuffed full of meaning. Do I focus on one specific thing? Or, should the thing I focus on the message of glass being both clear and invisible in as many angles as I can convey it?

------

I hope to edit this poem soon, but it may not be until Thursday. Hooray for 60 hour work weeks!

[tectak]

I’m made of glass,
seen through but never seen,
my pane is clear
and invisible. OK. Let's look on this. If we are to run with metaphor then "I'm MADE of glass" would do it....but  you avoid the wish fulfillment by a whisker. In this stanza you make little effort (or choose not) to create meter. That's OK...but without the bondage you could begin with "I AM glass". You are  now free to become a generic silicon based talking material rather than the metaphorical you. Which is it to be?We shall see.

I give vision,
imparted through my naked self, Hmm. Generic silicon. "Imparted through" is semantically inept. Imparted by.
that light so warm "that" connects by dependency two non-interdependent phrases. Some mistake here. Lose the "that"...it is wrongly and superfluously used.
leaves me cold. Forgive me if I expect to be bored by a list of characteristics of glass dressed in human clothing...without actually anthropomorphising. This is a difficult trick to pull off and I fear it will all go predictably cliche shaped. So far we have a poor duality of meaning with "pane" as in window ( and riddle-me-re humanity),  spectacles then greenhouse glass. Where will it all end...a broken heart of glass?A splintered shard? Meltdown? We shall see

I long to be touched,
like when in those days long ago, "like when in those..." is poor english. It is not possible to compare with the "like" word  a "longing" to a "time". Almost  childish. Is that the intent? Better to assume that you are literate glass. "I long to be touched, as I was long ago, by a child's playful (?) finger, transcribing a smile. ..." Your poem.
a child’s playful finger
placed a smile upon me.

But, such children were scolded, but me no buts. You do not need to "but" your way out of an argument. No one is arguing.
and I was cleaned,
by chemicals
and frowns. It is going down the pan. This is an extruded stanza. It must be a relief to get it out but it is still going down the pan.  Flush and get off the seat. There is a nice thought in this but you have not done it justice...and THIS may prove to be an overall problem with the grossly distended metaphor. Sometimes the "idea" is clear as...well...glass, at other times it is a dripping riddle....a list of abstractions and strained links. Because the "poetry" has no redeeming features (meter, rhyme, imagery, precision, depth) it is now tedious. I actually want the whole piece to come to a conclusive end....or just end. Sorry

Though my being is fragile,
I have an unyielding heart,
a portal for two worlds
which I hold wide open. Ahaaaaa! I have it! Let me guess....you're glass, right?

The east and the west,
heaven and earth,
meet together through me,
my holy privilege. Holy? Explain....or clarify

For this I was made,
a paradox of proverbs,
profound and alone, alas..
I’m made of glass. No. Trite and without reasoned purpose. A  lonely glass? Parodoxical proverbial glass? What is "this"? You do not say.

Hi starsman,
You try too hard. This kind of thing is almost impossible to turn in to to something poetic...it comes from that old first year secondary  school reliever,"Now class, I want you to imagine you are a bottle (brick, log, chisel, ice cube, lump of plasticine) and write 500 words on how you feel. (while I go off for a fag)". Occasionally, my teacher (retired) wife tells me, something exceptional comes out of it, though it was never so in her 40 years of teaching. Better to be something specifically and knowingly of interest and go completely anthropomorphic. A pane of glass in a gay bar toilet would do it, or a glass eye at the zoo, or or..well, you get the idea.
Just remember one thing...if you are invisible then you are also blind. Write on.....
Best,
tectak

Poet's note: There are some parts of this poem I really don't like, but am feeling a little stuck on how to improve it. I'd love to see if you can spot those points and reveal some better ideas to me. Don't hold back, I love to know my weaknesses. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful words.

[starsman]

tectak,

Thank you so much for your insightful comments on my poem. I am glad to see some more of my weak spots. I will consider your advice, especially the line-by-line thoughts.

Cheers, S.M.

[rayheinrich]

"You try too hard" isn't some clairvoyant statement about your entire 'you';
it refers to the part of that 'you' who's attempting to be a writer.

It could be phrased: "As a writer, you try too hard" as this is its
intent (or at least it is when I use it); but since it is used in the
context of a critique of your writing, the "as a writer" is implied,
not directly stated.

I hope this helps to clarify (pun intended) this term's meaning and usage.  
Ray

[fromcancertocapricorn]

I’m made of glass,
seen through but never seen,
my pane is clear
and invisible. First of all, the comparison to glass isn't very original, and glass can be seen, so isn't it both "seen through" and "seen"?

I give vision,
imparted through my naked self,
that light so warm
leaves me cold. "That" is an odd word choice for this stanza, "with" might be more suited. Also the juxtaposition of warm and cold is yet again little more than a repetitive platitude.

I long to be touched,
like when in those days long ago,
a child’s playful finger
placed a smile upon me. This stanza is promising. I particularly like the last two lines: they impart some sense of youth and innocence I find at home here in this poem.

But, such children were scolded,
and I was cleaned,
by chemicals
and frowns. Getting stronger. I like the use of children as relatable objects, only to have them cleaned by chemicals and frowns. Maybe be specific about the chemical's nature?

Though my being is fragile,
I have an unyielding heart,
a portal for two worlds
which I hold wide open.

The east and the west,
heaven and earth,
meet together through me,
my holy privilege. This entire stanza is pretty hackneyed. However, I find the phrase "holy privilege" tantalizing and a provacative subject for poetry.

For this I was made,
a paradox of proverbs,
profound and alone, alas..
I’m made of glass. I don't like the rhyming here. Also, I only started to enjoy the poem once you left the glass comparison, so maybe just take that out and form a new comparison.


Poet's note: There are some parts of this poem I really don't like, but am feeling a little stuck on how to improve it. I'd love to see if you can spot those points and reveal some better ideas to me. Don't hold back, I love to know my weaknesses. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful words.

[starsman]

Thank you Ray for clarifying what Tom was saying.

Thank you Cappy for your honest and insightful words.

Sorry everyone if it seems like I've gone AWOL, I'm still very much committed to working through this poem and really appreciate all your comments. It's just been a very tough year so far, and this past two weeks have been brutal: an employee of mine quit so my workload is now about 60 - 70 hours, also with the record setting snowfalls I've been putting in an additional 10-20 hours a week (I do some part time snowplowing) and now the store I manage was broken into and robbed.

It's just been crazy.

Once I get on top of all this stuff and can have some space of mind, I'll be sure to give this poem and your comments the attention they deserve.

Thank you again.

[Leah S.]

I’m made of glass, Why are you glass?
seen through but never seen,
my pane is clear
and invisible.

I give vision, Glass does not bestow vision. It allows it.
imparted through my naked self,
that light so warm Your syntax equates 'vision' with 'that light so warm'. Did you really mean they were the same?
leaves me cold. Why does it leave you cold? Glass usually warms up in the sun.

I long to be touched,
like when in those days long ago,
a child’s playful finger
placed a smile upon me. What's the analogy? If you are glass, is it really the height of your desire to be aimlessly doodled on? What does the child's finger represent? The smile?

But, such children were scolded, You seem to be trying for an extended metaphor, but without a metaphor.
and I was cleaned,
by chemicals
and frowns.

Though my being is fragile,
I have an unyielding heart,
a portal for two worlds What two worlds?
which I hold wide open.

The east and the west,
heaven and earth,
meet together through me,
my holy privilege. Nice sentiment, but are you lamenting, or celebrating, being glass?

For this I was made, Who or what made you?
a paradox of proverbs, What proverbs? Why paradox?
profound and alone, alas.. Why "alas" except to rhyme fortuitously with "glass" ?
I’m made of glass.


Poet's note: There are some parts of this poem I really don't like, but am feeling a little stuck on how to improve it. I'd love to see if you can spot those points and reveal some better ideas to me. Don't hold back, I love to know my weaknesses. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful words.

Okay, you've got a decent notion for a poem here, but you need to choose your extended metaphor, and craft it so that it is consistent, has clarity and significance, and evokes the emotion you intend. Every element in your poem must relate to that single metaphor. Answer the question, "What's my point?" If you Google "extended metaphor in literature" you can find some great examples. I recommend "Mother to Son" by Langston Hughes. Carry on. Leah