NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[ellajam]

Thanks, dale, for your clear explanation. When I attempt a sonnet I do try to put a turn somewhere around L9 in addition to the couplet. Also, I did not intentionally abandon IP, it's just subpar writing, a case of amateur wishful thinking, or a not yet well- trained ear, take your pick. I appreciate the time you are taking with this.

River, thanks so much for replying, I'll see what I can do.

[Erthona]

River Notch wrote:"Fuss and abacus don't rhyme at all."

Wait, what?

You might want to note and in the future be aware that it is erroneous to believe that everybody pronounces words the same. I suspect you are British or Australian as as both countries pronounce the words differently than in the US. In the US those two words do rhyme. See below. (Have no fear you are not alone. Because this is an international site everyone who has come here has had to learn to make allowances. Best)

Suggest you go to this link where you can hear abacus pronounced. Although there is a secondary pronouncement [uh-bak-uh s] is the primary one. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abacus?s=t

Also note that the primary pronouncement for "Fuss" is [fuhs]. As you will note the [uhs] of fuss is almost identical to the [uh s] of abacus.

Both are pronounced the same as "us" [uhs]. Although I suspect in British English it may be pronounced as /ʌs/, similar to the British pronunciation of /fʌs/ "fuss."

OK, enough linguistics. Gack! Now I will have to go wash my mouth out.

Dale




[uh s]

[RiverNotch]

Cambridge and Oxford are going like this:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dicti...glish/fuss fʌs
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dicti...ish/abacus ˈæb·ə·kəs

http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.co...ish/fuss_2 fʌs
http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.co...ish/abacus ˈæbəkəs

Fuss has a, er, higher sounding uh than abacus right there (not a linguist, so I can't really say what the term is for that. But it's still easy to learn). They're not that different, but they're still different. Note that the distinction, at least according to Oxford, still persists in American English. And, well, no, I'm not British, nor have I even actually met anyone from the Commonwealth, but I'm not American either.
Anyway, this, I concede, is a pretty pedantic point, but it really is irksome to have just that little fault with the rhyme, if, at least, a perfect rhyme is what this is going for. I really do suggest changing that if you wanna go all the way, since, whether the distinction truly exists or not, a lot of people are inevitably going to be bothered by this.

And a bit of a tangent: Shakespeare's also pretty bothersome whenever he's going for rhymes, but that's because his mode of pronunciation back then was very different from how he pronounces words now. Found out about how they roughly pronounced stuff through this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPlpphT7n9s

[ellajam]

River Notch wrote:"Fuss and abacus don't rhyme at all."

Wait, what?

You might want to note and in the future be aware that it is erroneous to believe that everybody pronounces words the same. I suspect you are British or Australian as as both countries pronounce the words differently than in the US. In the US those two words do rhyme. See below. (Have no fear you are not alone. Because this is an international site everyone who has come here has had to learn to make allowances. Best)      

Suggest you go to this link where you can hear abacus pronounced. Although there is a secondary pronouncement [uh-bak-uh s] is the primary one.   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abacus?s=t

Also note that the primary pronouncement for "Fuss" is [fuhs]. As you will note the [uhs] of fuss is almost identical to the [uh s] of  abacus.

Both are pronounced the same as "us" [uhs]. Although I suspect in British English it may be pronounced as /ʌs/, similar to the British pronunciation of /fʌs/  "fuss."  

OK, enough linguistics. Gack! Now I will have to go wash my mouth out.  

Dale




[uh s]

milo also said it wasn't a proper rhyme. I thought I had checked it when I first wrote this, but it was on my list of things to recheck. Regardless, since it throws the read off for some I may try to just move it out of its end spot where it won't matter.

[milo]

River Notch wrote:"Fuss and abacus don't rhyme at all."

Wait, what?

You might want to note and in the future be aware that it is erroneous to believe that everybody pronounces words the same. I suspect you are British or Australian as as both countries pronounce the words differently than in the US. In the US those two words do rhyme. See below. (Have no fear you are not alone. Because this is an international site everyone who has come here has had to learn to make allowances. Best)      

Suggest you go to this link where you can hear abacus pronounced. Although there is a secondary pronouncement [uh-bak-uh s] is the primary one.   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abacus?s=t

Also note that the primary pronouncement for "Fuss" is [fuhs]. As you will note the [uhs] of fuss is almost identical to the [uh s] of  abacus.

Both are pronounced the same as "us" [uhs]. Although I suspect in British English it may be pronounced as /ʌs/, similar to the British pronunciation of /fʌs/  "fuss."  

OK, enough linguistics. Gack! Now I will have to go wash my mouth out.  

Dale




[uh s]

milo also said it wasn't a proper rhyme. I thought I had checked it when I first wrote this, but it was on my list of things to recheck. Regardless, since it throws the read off for some I may try to just move it out of its end spot where it won't matter.

The reason they don't rhyme is because the stresses don't line up. Technically you are attempting to rhyme /ah/ with /fuhs/. It is the same reason city and tragedy don't rhyme.

[ellajam]

Okay, so I've listened to a bunch of recordings and I think I finally understand, maybe.

I was saying ABaCUS, rhyming cus with fuss. Most readers say ABacus, with some putting just a little stress on cus but not enough to count. You are saying my rhyme should be with the middle syllable? Or the acus. Or really that abacus doesn't fit there at all?

This is the same thing I did with escapades, I hear it with a stress on first and last syllables. That's one of the reasons I need you folks.

[bena]

I loved the abacus, since it refers to the level of the mathematics you are comfortable with, when faced with machines with numbers and graphs that you can't read. i read it like you wanted me to, although i put stress on the ABacus---it still works from me.

[ellajam]

Cambridge and Oxford are going like this:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dicti...glish/fuss fʌs
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dicti...ish/abacus ˈæb·ə·kəs

http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.co...ish/fuss_2 fʌs
http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.co...ish/abacus ˈæbəkəs

Fuss has a, er, higher sounding uh than abacus right there (not a linguist, so I can't really say what the term is for that. But it's still easy to learn). They're not that different, but they're still different. Note that the distinction, at least according to Oxford, still persists in American English. And, well, no, I'm not British, nor have I even actually met anyone from the Commonwealth, but I'm not American either.
Anyway, this, I concede, is a pretty pedantic point, but it really is irksome to have just that little fault with the rhyme, if, at least, a perfect rhyme is what this is going for. I really do suggest changing that if you wanna go all the way, since, whether the distinction truly exists or not, a lot of people are inevitably going to be bothered by this.

And a bit of a tangent: Shakespeare's also pretty bothersome whenever he's going for rhymes, but that's because his mode of pronunciation back then was very different from how he pronounces words now. Found out about how they roughly pronounced stuff through this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPlpphT7n9s

Sorry, I missed this, river. I agree, it's best just to move the word into another spot rather than leave its debatable pronunciation where it is. Thanks for the links, and your time.

I loved the abacus, since it refers to the level of the mathematics you are comfortable with, when faced with machines with numbers and graphs that you can't read.   i read it like you wanted me to, although i put stress on the ABacus---it still works from me.

Thanks, bena, I have no plans to lose the abacus, just looking to move it. Mildly fuss wasn't stellar either.

[milo]

Okay, so I've listened to a bunch of recordings and I think I finally understand, maybe.

I was saying ABaCUS, rhyming cus with fuss. Most readers say ABacus, with some putting just a little stress on cus but not enough to count. You are saying my rhyme should be with the middle syllable? Or the acus. Or really that abacus doesn't fit there at all?

This is the same thing I did with escapades, I hear it with a stress on first and last syllables. That's one of the reasons I need you folks.

Well, like I said, it's not a proper rhyme, though many today aren't realm bothered by such things. If your iambs do end up forcing an accent onto /CU's/ it sounds pretty awkward.

[ellajam]

Okay, so I've listened to a bunch of recordings and I think I finally understand, maybe.

I was saying ABaCUS, rhyming cus with fuss. Most readers say ABacus, with some putting just a little stress on cus but not enough to count. You are saying my rhyme should be with the middle syllable? Or the acus. Or really that abacus doesn't fit there at all?

This is the same thing I did with escapades, I hear it with a stress on first and last syllables. That's one of the reasons I need you folks.

Well, like I said, it's not a proper rhyme, though many today aren't realm bothered by such things. If your iambs do end up forcing an accent onto /CU's/ it sounds pretty awkward.

When I move abacus will I need a stres after it, is it just a foot by itself?  If discussion of these issues is too basic for this forum let me know and I'll move the thread.

[milo]

Okay, so I've listened to a bunch of recordings and I think I finally understand, maybe.

I was saying ABaCUS, rhyming cus with fuss. Most readers say ABacus, with some putting just a little stress on cus but not enough to count. You are saying my rhyme should be with the middle syllable? Or the acus. Or really that abacus doesn't fit there at all?

This is the same thing I did with escapades, I hear it with a stress on first and last syllables. That's one of the reasons I need you folks.

Well, like I said, it's not a proper rhyme, though many today aren't realm bothered by such things. If your iambs do end up forcing an accent onto /CU's/ it sounds pretty awkward.

When I move abacus will I need a stres after it, is it just a foot by itself?  If discussion of these issues is too basic for this forum let me know and I'll move the thread.

I would probably use it as a double iambiamb or trochaic inversion but internally the missing stress may not be as bothersome. Let me review a couple poems with it and I will return

[Leah S.]

NICU, For Dominic

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all Glitchy - I read it as an inversion at first. Maybe use semi-colons instead for the parenthetical phrase 'after all the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb' ?
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. Checking in: I like this, it's a perfect description of the lit lines on a heart monitor graph, and other's dreams are always a mystery.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand 'fine lines' is a bump for me, how about 'I trace lines on your palms, the future:' ?
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...does it have to be 'sweet' ?
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand. Gnarly meter here, the reader has to force it and it makes it jingly.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.Something wrong here, it's a little forced. The sense is good, but it needs to pack more of a punch. Suggest tinkering with 'cannot' and "earn' and adding an adjective or two to make clear that it isn't being born itself that is the luck or curse, but the ensuing lifetime.

(I came across this today in our abandoned Crown of Sonnets. Coincidentally a healthy child celebrates his first birthday tomorrow, so I thought I'd honor the miracles of modern medicine by seeing if I can get this to stand alone. So far I've just tweaked the first line, the original can be found here:

Heroic Crown of Sonnets

[ellajam]

NICU, For Dominic

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all Glitchy - I read it as an inversion at first. Maybe use semi-colons instead for the parenthetical phrase 'after all the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb' ?
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. Checking in: I like this, it's a perfect description of the lit lines on a heart monitor graph, and other's dreams are always a mystery.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand 'fine lines' is a bump for me, how about 'I trace lines on your palms, the future:' ?
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...does it have to be 'sweet' ?
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand. Gnarly meter here, the reader has to force it and it makes it jingly.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.Something wrong here, it's a little forced. The sense is good, but it needs to pack more of a punch. Suggest tinkering with 'cannot' and "earn' and adding an adjective or two to make clear that it isn't being born itself that is the luck or curse, but the ensuing lifetime.

(I came across this today in our abandoned Crown of Sonnets. Coincidentally a healthy child celebrates his first birthday tomorrow, so I thought I'd honor the miracles of modern medicine by seeing if I can get this to stand alone. So far I've just tweaked the first line, the original can be found here:

Heroic Crown of Sonnets

Leah, thanks for the thorough read and excellent comments.
Yes, the first line needs a total rework. Thanks for the vote of confidence on the graphing flares line, you read it like I do but many have issues with it. I'll work on the "fine lines", I see your point. On "sweet", I would hope that his love affairs would at least leave a sweet aftertaste in his mouth but maybe it comes across as cliche. I'll fix the next line, metric wishful thinking. I'll keep your comments on the couplet in mind when I try to fix it.

Thanks again for your time and attention to this, much appreciated.

---

I suggest that on the first four lines, you focus solely on how anxious or breathless you are about the baby, describing the whole toe count only when you get to line five. By lines five to eight, just keep up with the whole divining-your-future-with-your-toes-thing, but again, with the toe count being already described there, and with the awkward rhymes being completely scrapped. Then maybe you can elucidate more on the tenderness of the babe and the elusiveness of its fate on lines nine to twelve, using palmistry there as some sort of, er, framing device.  And at the final couplet, just switch the words up a bit so that the summary is more on the babe being nice, or having a weird fate, or, well, something, but I can't vomit out the right words.

I want to thank you again for this. On rereading it I realized that underneath the poem is the way when faced with uncertainty we sometimes turn to myth in desperation. That may turn into a more effective couplet. Your description of a possible reorganization of the poem will really help. Much appreciated.

[ellajam]

I've reworked this taking into consideration all the fine crit you all have given me. I know I have not been able to address every point even though I found each valid. I've stolen bits and am trying out a whole line from milo, and Tom might recognize a suggestion he made long ago. I tried to dump most of the enjambment but sometimes that just begat enjambment.  I wasn't able to cut the detested "grand", but I hope it works a little better.

River, I found it hardest to implement your suggestions, if I don't ever manage to in this poem I surely will take them into the next, your time was not wasted.

As always, all crit on the edit is much appreciated.

[Todd]

Hi, Ella,


Well I didn't read any of the comments, and I missed this the first time through. Hopefully I won't be repetitive.

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;--I like this better than the idea of frozen breath in the original, but it still feels a bit forced to make the rhyme work with bawl.
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.--Despite my issue with line 1, this opening is a marked improvement. It feels more an expression of a moment and less commentary on a moment. Since you exhale in line three, I don't know if holding the breath in line 1 matters, as exhaling two lines down will imply the action. It might also give you more creative liberty to rework the line.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines--This line still sounds a bit off to me. This may not be better but how about: my abacus of toes and shifting lines. I'm not sure the syntax just feels a bit choppy. The idea of an internal abacus for toes is a nice image though.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs. --maybe "a" instead of "their"
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,--This is an interesting idea. I had never considered a jerky movement accompanying sedation, but I like it.
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.--This portion is also smoother than the original.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand-- So, we arrive at the volta. I understand why you took out the colon to give the enjambment some layered meaning. I'm divided on it, but I think it works.
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,--I wonder if the condensing into categories is as good a choice as a few specific examples. Again, you're limited by space but it might be worth considering.
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.--while I don't dislike this line, you already deal with this concept two lines up so it does give you room to not cover the same ground.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied.--I also prefer the final couplet in this version mostly for the idea of this last line. I like the reflection that this is like any other child, but is more due to the connection to the speaker.


NICU, For Dominic.  Original

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

Hope some of that helped.

Best, 

Todd

[ellajam]

Hi, Ella,


Well I didn't read any of the comments, and I missed this the first time through. Hopefully I won't be repetitive.

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;--I like this better than the idea of frozen breath in the original, but it still feels a bit forced to make the rhyme work with bawl.
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.--Despite my issue with line 1, this opening is a marked improvement. It feels more an expression of a moment and less commentary on a moment. Since you exhale in line three, I don't know if holding the breath in line 1 matters, as exhaling two lines down will imply the action. It might also give you more creative liberty to rework the line.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines--This line still sounds a bit off to me. This may not be better but how about: my abacus of toes and shifting lines. I'm not sure the syntax just feels a bit choppy. The idea of an internal abacus for toes is a nice image though.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs. --maybe "a" instead of "their"
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,--This is an interesting idea. I had never considered a jerky movement accompanying sedation, but I like it.
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.--This portion is also smoother than the original.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand-- So, we arrive at the volta. I understand why you took out the colon to give the enjambment some layered meaning. I'm divided on it, but I think it works.
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,--I wonder if the condensing into categories is as good a choice as a few specific examples. Again, you're limited by space but it might be worth considering.
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.--while I don't dislike this line, you already deal with this concept two lines up so it does give you room to not cover the same ground.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied.--I also prefer the final couplet in this version mostly for the idea of this last line. I like the reflection that this is like any other child, but is more due to the connection to the speaker.


NICU, For Dominic.  Original

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

Hope some of that helped.

Best, 

Todd

Tremendous help, Todd, your comments give me some direction on what to tackle next. Thanks so much.

[Animal Riots Activist]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall; --unlike others, I really have no qualms with this first line or it's rhymed pair. w/r/t the rest of the sonnet it fits and is quite a strong start.
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom --upon reading this a couple of times I've gone back and forth about my feelings on this enjambment. I feel like it works in that the lines/rhyme pairs of a sonnet should be subtle and flow together. However, the steady canter of the rest of the poem almost seems to be broken by this enjambment, like a heart murmur. I don't think that's necessarily bad, but I do think it needs to be a conscious decision whether to enjamb or not (that isn't to say it may not be a decision you have already deliberated over, but I'm just pointing it out)
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs. --really nice three lines here.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams. --"Mysteries of dreams" throws me off here; seems a tad cliche and a tad redundant (dreams are already mysterious). I know you've changed this from your previous edit, but I don't think its there quite just yet. I actually like you're first draft version better from a poetic stand point, but that too suffers from abstraction.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied. --very strong ending.

Really great work Miss Ella, just needs some minor tinkering.

[ellajam]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall; --unlike others, I really have no qualms with this first line or it's rhymed pair. w/r/t the rest of the sonnet it fits and is quite a strong start.
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom --upon reading this a couple of times I've gone back and forth about my feelings on this enjambment. I feel like it works in that the lines/rhyme pairs of a sonnet should be subtle and flow together. However, the steady canter of the rest of the poem almost seems to be broken by this enjambment, like a heart murmur. I don't think that's necessarily bad, but I do think it needs to be a conscious decision whether to enjamb or not (that isn't to say it may not be a decision you have already deliberated over, but I'm just pointing it out)
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs. --really nice three lines here.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams. --"Mysteries of dreams" throws me off here; seems a tad cliche and a tad redundant (dreams are already mysterious). I know you've changed this from your previous edit, but I don't think its there quite just yet. I actually like you're first draft version better from a poetic stand point, but that too suffers from abstraction.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied. --very strong ending.

Really great work Miss Ella, just needs some minor tinkering.

Hi, ARA, I can't thank you enough for your time and helpful comments. You've helped me realize how much trouble I'm really in.
I thought removing the "and triumph" from below "I count the possibilities of doom" would soften the impact of using two lines (which I tell myself is different from unsuccessful enjambment), but I think I'm in the same place. I am trying desparely to hold onto "toes, my ababcus" but having moved it off the end of the line there's not much room to count unless I use the line above.  What to do, what to do...

Mysteries seems to be problematic, when you say you prefer the first draft, although it also was too abstract, did you mean the whole or were you referring to the mystery, mysteries line?

Again, thanks for your arrows to the weak points and and your encouragement to keep banging my head against this particular wall.

[RiverNotch]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1

I love this new edit! I have a few qualms with the rhythm, though.

You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl. "and exHALE as we HEAR a RAUcous BAWL." This line's a bit awkward with those first two three-syllable feet (I don't think anyone would ever read it as "and EXhale"), and the lack of a fifth stress.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines I think "abacus" ruins the rhythm here (although that image is still great). Isn't there a trochaic substitute for the word? Putting the final stress on the eleventh syllable feels rather unorthodox, at least without the appropriate regularity.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand The changes in this quatrain make this much better than the last run, I think (travel lines flows smoother than trace fine lines, I think, with "trace fine lines" technically being a spondee and all). But the sudden increase of feet for this one line throws me off. Do you think removing "future" would damage the idea here?
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied. A bit irked by this ending. I don't exactly know what multiplied deaths or cases of hubris mean to the parents -- feels like a sort of fizzle. This last line, I feel, could be deeper or something.

[ellajam]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1

I love this new edit! I have a few qualms with the rhythm, though.

You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl. "and exHALE as we HEAR a RAUcous BAWL." This line's a bit awkward with those first two three-syllable feet (I don't think anyone would ever read it as "and EXhale"), and the lack of a fifth stress.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines I think "abacus" ruins the rhythm here (although that image is still great). Isn't there a trochaic substitute for the word? Putting the final stress on the eleventh syllable feels rather unorthodox, at least without the appropriate regularity.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand The changes in this quatrain make this much better than the last run, I think (travel lines flows smoother than trace fine lines, I think, with "trace fine lines" technically being a spondee and all). But the sudden increase of feet for this one line throws me off. Do you think removing "future" would damage the idea here?
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied. A bit irked by this ending. I don't exactly know what multiplied deaths or cases of hubris mean to the parents -- feels like a sort of fizzle. This last line, I feel, could be deeper or something.

Holy crapoli, River, in my head I hear multiple yoga and tai chi instructors saying EXhale, and I believe I tell clients to EXhale myself. It may be regional but regardless we are wrong. Thank you so much, another instance where reading my own poem out loud did not help me.

So far the only substitute for abacus I've been able to come up with is rosary which I reject for its religious note and it has the same accents so no help. Old fashioned beady thing will not work either . This is not the first time I've been reluctant to lose a word to the detriment of the poem, I will keep trying to make it work, hey maybe it's the title and to hell with its meter land mine.

Yes, the line with an extra foot was an experiment. Someone once sent me a poem by a much better poet than me that had a line with an extra foot that worked. When I wrote this one it sounded okay to me so I thought I'd leave it and see if it bothered anyone before I fixed it. Thanks for noticing. And, no, future won't be the change because I fear that would increase everyone's annoyance with my poor enjambment, or run-on lines, whatever they are.

Yes, the end is not right yet, maybe "intensified" instead of "just multiplied", maybe not.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, I'll try to put it to good use.