If Love Were Really Blind

[ellz483]

Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night,
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight---
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy.

Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches
And I reach my fingers out to tug them
As I swim in the pools of those green irises.

I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze,
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching---
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, 
But I let them simmer. 

Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own
Tear-soaked eyes.

Because I know they know
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats
Somewhere just south of my chest. 

Because I'm scared of surrender,
And the white flag I would once have waved
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience.

Because I'm not sure how to---
Let go. 


But most of all
Because I know your eyes
        will peer into mine
              and turn my stony heart into mush
                  and render me helplessly in love.

[ellajam]

Hi, ellz, welcome back.

We ask that you give critiques for others before posting your own work in a workshop. Please catch up.

Thanks, ella/mod

[tectak]

Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night,
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight---
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy.

Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches
And I reach my fingers out to tug them
As I swim in the pools of those green irises.

I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze,
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching---
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, 
But I let them simmer. 

Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own
Tear-soaked eyes.

Because I know they know
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats
Somewhere just south of my chest. 

Because I'm scared of surrender,
And the white flag I would once have waved
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience.

Because I'm not sure how to---
Let go. 


But most of all
Because I know your eyes
        will peer into mine
              and turn my stony heart into mush
                  and render me helplessly in love.

Hi elz,
please take heed of ellas note. There is a lot I could say on this piece, but I am not sure you are still there and so feel I could be howling in to the wilderness.
tectak

[Leah S.]

Have read it, am ready to crit. Awaiting further developments.

[ellz483]

I've read through and critiqued several other pieces--- I don't know who is monitoring this, or if I need to repost this...

[billy]

hi ellz.

on first read, while liking it, i see some excess word use,

instead of the excess word use, create a couple of images. use a couple more similes or metaphors. the first stanza stands out as the best and the first lines starts the poem off well.  

Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night, the dark of night is cliche but still works
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight--- your eyes glow; no need of [the] perhaps [under] instead of [in] also a little cliche
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy. the two and's work in this instance but often a comma would do for of them i like the image of this line. there's an inherent sadness to it.


Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches would a line break after heavy give that small pause to slow the poem/line down a little?
And I reach my fingers out to tug them no need for [and]
As I swim in the pools of those green irises. we can assume you're on about eyes so [the] and [those] aren't really needed

I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze, you either walk or not, [i walk away]
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching--- a gaze is an [it] not a [they] no need for [but i know] or [ever watching] as haunting says it all [knowing they will haunt me] use [eternally] or other word instead of [ever watching] if you want to
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, you've turned so it's a given about the neck, this line feels redundant
But I let them simmer. can this be said in a better way. and again, it [it] not [they]

Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore [its weight burns me unbearably] [personally i'm not sure unbearable/y is needed]. shoulder/s is a given, it won't burn burn your feet. while gaze and burn works well enough. weight and burn doesn't, a suggestion would be weight bows me; or some other word that relates to weight.
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own  [i tremble and turn...] no need for then finally
Tear-soaked eyes. [with tear soaked...]

Because I know they know
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats
Somewhere just south of my chest.  this whole stanza feels unwarranted and excessive

Because I'm scared of surrender, no need for [because]
And the white flag I would once have waved no need for [once]
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience. yellowed sort of denotes age and age usually denotes experience, because of that i'd suggest removing [with age and experience]

Because I'm not sure how to---no need for because.
Let go.  for me a single line of [i'm not sure] gives just enough ambiguity for the reader to discern what's implied instead of the drawn out couplet. for me  this is where the poem ends. the next stanza feels excees to requirement.


But most of all
Because I know your eyes
        will peer into mine
              and turn my stony heart into mush
                  and render me helplessly in love.

[Leah S.]

Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night,Get rid of the initial capitals.......?
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight--- "So glow" bothers me, it feels awkward.
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy.
Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches In visualizing this, I got the image of false eyelashes with globs on the ends weighing them down. Distracting.....
And I reach my fingers out to tug them Carrying the image forward, the narrator is now grooming the other's eyelashes.
As I swim in the pools of those green irises.
I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze,
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching--- 'Gaze' is singular, 'eyes' would be plural. Easy fix: change 'they' to 'it'.
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, Funny, I also wrote a poem in which a gaze pricked the back of my neck....good image! I think you could lose 'fixed on'.
But I let them simmer. Change 'them' to 'it' since your are still referring to that simmering gaze.
Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore The whole stanze needs to change the plural to the singular. You'll be okay because you identify clearly your 'own tear-soaked eyes."
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own
Tear-soaked eyes.
Because I know they know If 'they' still refers to the other's eyes, then replace 'they' with 'your eyes'.
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats
Somewhere just south of my chest. 
Because I'm scared of surrender,
And the white flag I would once have waved
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience. Leave off 'with age and experience.' The image implies much more, and you restrict it by belaboring the point.
Because I'm not sure how to--- dashes usually indicate parenthetical statements. If you want to emphasize a pause I'd go with .......... dots.
Let go. 
But most of all
Because I know your eyes
        will peer into mine 'peer' implies inquisitive nearsightedness. Not very romantic.
              and turn my stony heart into mush 'mush' just doesn't fit here. It made me snort, and broke the mood.
                  and render me helplessly in love. Cliché!! "helplessly in love" should be restricted to valentine's day candies. If you are going to use "render" bear in mind that the original meaning was to get the fat out of something like whale blubber by heating it up until it melted and the valuable oil was procured. So the image would be that of your lover's eyes heating up your heart until the hot liquid of love runs out? I definitely wouldn't phrase it that way, but it's an arresting image.

This whole poem is a single image of you (the narrator) attempting to turn away and resist your lover's gaze, and happily failing. Really good poems often employ a single coherent image throughout, as yours does. Carry on. Best, Leah

[ellz483]

thank you, everyone!

[RiverNotch]

Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night, 
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight--- I love the rhythm and the creamy mouthfeel of these three lines. They ARE a bit wordy, yes, especially with "the dark of night" and the somehow-cliched "your eyes in the pale moonlight", but I'm a sucker for that sort thing. The imagery is beautiful, though -- change the wording of the later two lines, sure, but do not, je repete, DO NOT change the imagery. Anyway--
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy. "Tinged with melancholy" is an equally sweet phrase, sure, but it's also a jarring change of rhythm. I don't think you really need to change this, though.

Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches Too long, compared to the earlier -- could definitely be shortened. "Your lashes are branches hanging low, / heavy with fruit. I reach...." or something.
And I reach my fingers out to tug them Something's a bit off with the wording here.
As I swim in the pools of those green irises. Also here -- to swim in pools of green while reaching for fruits is too heady a combination of images for me. And perhaps making this four lines, as per the earlier, would not be too much of a stretch? The sudden shortening  somehow feels like a deficiency in the writer's capacity to write this in as full a way.

I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze, Nice play with the "ay"sounds here, but the sudden disappearance of the vivid metaphors feels kind of disappointing.
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching--- This is a mostly empty thought, since the line is itself made of filler words -- the only original phrases here are "they will haunt" and "watching", and they mean pretty much the same thing.
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, I love this, although this could be worded better -- possibly fused to the earlier line?
But I let them simmer. As much as the sudden shortening here is a good, clean punch, this could be worded much more sensually, as in the preceding line -- or perhaps absorbed by it. And the closeness of the two buts here sounds awkward -- they don't even seem necessary anyway.

Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore This line is once again too heavy and wordy, as in the first line of the second stanza. And though "burns on my shoulders" sounds fair, I can't help but feel that going with the cliche there would work better.
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own
Tear-soaked eyes. No, the sudden shortening here doesn't give up anything. We know they're gonna be met by eyes, and the modifier here bears pretty much no significance to what meaning I can easily read. Not a good cut, methinks -- best to fuse the earlier line with this one.

Because I know they know
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul Too long again.
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats This could be much more vivid if you played with yet another image here! The images of before are already very strong, the poem's still quite far away from the conclusion, and a lot of the ideas here are really just plays on cliches -- I don't get why the earlier poesy, with all those metaphors and what not, are here discarded.
Somewhere just south of my chest. Redundant or contradictory -- the soul is in the chest, so how could it beat away from it?

Because I'm scared of surrender,
And the white flag I would once have waved
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience. I like the return to the metaphors here, but again, this whole stanza could be worded better.

Because I'm not sure how to---
Let go. Ech, the line-break is already enough to give tension: you don't have to lampshade it with an em dash. And with the less metaphorical portions of the poem preceding this stanza, this stanza just feels unnecessary.

But most of all
Because I know your eyes
        will peer into mine
              and turn my stony heart into mush
                  and render me helplessly in love. Sweet, but somehow empty, especially with the earlier pointed line, and with the subject being a burned-out topic -- I especially dislike the, for me, botched attempt at making this more novel with the indentations. Read aloud, the indentations mean nothing -- read quietly, they only bother the eyes, and bore the already expectant mind. This whole stanza could just be removed, I'm guessing.