On Leaving

[71degrees]

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job,
a belief, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn

Original

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend
life is easier than it really is

[just mercedes]

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job, something about 'from' bothers me
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home 'broken heart' feels a bit tired

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass I like this image

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking I like the contrast with the glass
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend is this in the past too?
life is easier than it really is

I felt the end sort of tailed off - I'd like to see some return to the title. Thanks for posting.

[71degrees]

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job, something about 'from' bothers me
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home 'broken heart' feels a bit tired

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass I like this image

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking I like the contrast with the glass
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend is this in the past too?
life is easier than it really is

I felt the end sort of tailed off - I'd like to see some return to the title. Thanks for posting.

Interesting your comment about "…from" / I only added that before posting based on another's observation. Thanks for all the comments. Appreciate your interest.

[QDeathstar]

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home
i like what is said but now how it is said. Certain believes, broken hearts, actually, the whole last two lines feel forced out.

Stumbling from the dinner table, a dead end job,
former faith, the chill in our empty home

Not exactly better, but at first I was going go agree that from had to go, but it needs to stay, perhaps in a new form though.







the in-and-out of our breath, [b]i agree, take our out.
one hand against cold glass

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend
life is easier than it really is it feels like you've left the poem, there's no period and the thought seems unfinished. I guess that could work, but this lay sentence is pure cliche.

[71degrees]

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job,
a belief, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn

Original

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend
life is easier than it really is

[71degrees]

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job,
a belief, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn

Original

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend
life is easier than it really is

I enjoyed how lyrical this poetry is, most interestingly it only included the 1st person plural pronoun "we" which gave a kind of loving vibe throughout. The antithesis is that it quite a melancholic poem. I enjoyed the mix of emotion the poem presented, to improve I would only add a few more poetic devises in the opening stanzas; to grip the reader more (initially).

Yes. That's fair. But just for my peace of mind...by "opening stanzas"...do you mean the first two stanzas of a four stanza poem? Happy New Year. And welcome.

[Wjames]

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job, I think you could find a "better" (more specific?) word than failing.
a belief, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn

I don't like this last "summer" image in conjunction with the rest of the poem, everything else is so specific, going "one-step" at a time, whereas the last two lines are a million little steps compacted into "one". Perhaps you did that on purpose, but I didn't really get anything out of it if you did. That being said, I think I do like it much more than the original. I think a really good ending could be an image of something dying (the final step). The thought that keeps popping into my head is some sort of image of a single dandelion seed leaving the stem as a dandelion's kicked over/picked...

To me this was an interesting representation of the great Dylan line: "that he not busy being born, is busy dying". I liked it a lot, but I do think you could still improve the ending. I did enjoy it quite a bit though, you have some great images in there.

[ellajam]

Hi, 71, wishing you a joyous new year.
I like the idea and the strong, beautiful images but while this poem gets where it's going I think that the combination of punctuation marks and white space fails you here, it leaves me with a confusion that will not resolve. Some notes below.

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job,
a belief, the broken heart of a home
I wonder why you have rejected fractured for broken, it goes well with failing, or anything else that edges the important "heart of a home" away from cliche. It leaves me to believe you want a cliche here but for me it weakens your first line which I like, cliche or not.

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass
Here especially I am having trouble, I am reading "cold glass black rocks". If I'm not meant to I need a stronger stop. If I'm meant to I'd prefer black between cold and glass, and still, for me the image below does not have your hand on the rock, but on the cold glass of the broken home above. Help me.

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn
Have you considered "with" instead of "the"?

Original

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend
life is easier than it really is

[71degrees]

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job, I think you could find a "better" (more specific?) word than failing.
a belief, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn

I don't like this last "summer" image in conjunction with the rest of the poem, everything else is so specific, going "one-step" at a time, whereas the last two lines are a million little steps compacted into "one". Perhaps you did that on purpose, but I didn't really get anything out of it if you did. That being said, I think I do like it much more than the original. I think a really good ending could be an image of something dying (the final step). The thought that keeps popping into my head is some sort of image of a single dandelion seed leaving the stem as a dandelion's kicked over/picked...

To me this was an interesting representation of the great Dylan line: "that he not busy being born, is busy dying". I liked it a lot, but I do think you could still improve the ending. I did enjoy it quite a bit though, you have some great images in there.

Your analysis about the ending (and hope for the rewrite) is fair, although I hate dandelions with a passion and kill them often….but I do adore Dylan the lyricist. Thanks for that.

---

Hi, 71, wishing you a joyous new year.  
I like the idea and the strong, beautiful images but while this poem gets where it's going I think that the combination of punctuation marks and white space fails you here, it leaves me with a confusion that will not resolve. Some notes below.

Edit

We leave one step at a time:
the table after eating, a failing job,
a belief, the broken heart of a home
I wonder why you have rejected fractured for broken, it goes well with failing, or anything else that edges the important "heart of a home" away from cliche. It leaves me to believe you want a cliche here but for me it weakens your first line which I like, cliche or not.

the in-and-out of breath,
one hand against cold glass
Here especially I am having trouble, I am reading "cold glass black rocks". If I'm not meant to I need a stronger stop. If I'm meant to I'd prefer black between cold and glass, and still, for me the image below does not have your hand on the rock, but on the cold glass of the broken home above. Help me.

black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

The dream-steps we tiptoe toward awakening,
the flowering summer mornings breaking away
toward autumn
Have you considered "with" instead of "the"?

Original

We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home

the in-and-out of our breath,
one hand against cold glass

from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow

when we pretend
life is easier than it really is

Didn't really reject "fractured" but as you can see, I just didn't use it. Thinking about this...

All images should read as being "things we leave one step at a time"…therefore "hand on glass" and "black rocks…" are separate entities in a series (as introduced by the initial colon). Separation by line spacing is obviously not enough for you. I will explore other avenues to this effect to "help you" through this list. And I did consider "with" in my initial draft…just felt that last image should have separation, not one long image to end "with" and put the reader out of breath. Thanks for ALL your comments. As usual, I like the way they make me think about things. Happy New Year.