Vow of Silence;
#1
Well the dawn draws nigh
in the pale blue sky
and the birds outside in song;
as I close my eyes
and droop my head
and wonder what went wrong.

Till the sun sits high
in some grey-white sky
outside kids laugh and play;
but I don't get far
before she returns
and I wonder what to say;

but the silence lingers
till the day-light dwindles
and the dusk stalks gently on;
now the streets are quiet
life gone with the light
and she was right all along.

But it's night time now
and I've kept my vow
and the birds have quit their song;
and I wonder, I wonder
if before I die,
if I'll ever sing along.

P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'.
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#2
Yeah I think this is pretty solid, just in stanza 3 i'm left wondering what she was right about. Then again in stanza 4 with the vow. I really like this though and will hopefully come back to read again.
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#3
"P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'."

If you have to explain your poem, then it is already not a very good poem.

Question, why did you use center justify? It makes it much harder to read, it is not a concrete poem that needs to be center justified to show the image the words form. I see nothing in the poem that would benefit from using center justify.
I guess the nearest thing one could call this would be three feet accentual verse.

Unless you are writing a blues song, the first word on your first line should probably not be "well", especially since you could remove and it would change the line not a whit.

In the second stanza I am unsure what the "Till" refers to. does it means that you will continue to mope until " the sun sits high in some grey-white sky". Also, are you sure you want to use "some", which could mean any sky, as in the one half way around the world. Maybe

"the sun sits high in this grey-white sky"

In stanza three you deviate from your previous rhyme pattern. To do so in most cases, including this one, is usually not considered a good idea, as it causes the reader to not stay immersed in the poem, but have to stop to contemplate why the poet changed his pattern. As there seems no reason for it, I would suggest you should return to it. It seems stanza five goes back to the original pattern.

As far as I can tell you use a large amount of words to beat around the bush, say not much of anything. I suppose I could delineate that, but I am not feeling up to it at the moment. Maybe you can figure that out, or maybe another commentator will help you.

welcome to the site,

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#4
(12-25-2014, 12:21 AM)Filíocht Wrote:  
Well the dawn draws nigh
in the pale blue sky
and the birds outside in song;
as I close my eyes
and droop my head
and wonder what went wrong.
Till the sun sits high
in some grey-white sky
outside kids laugh and play;
but I don't get far
before she returns
and I wonder what to say;
but the silence lingers
till the day-light dwindles
and the dusk stalks gently on;
now the streets are quiet
life gone with the light
and she was right all along.
But it's night time now
and I've kept my vow
and the birds have quit their song;
and I wonder, I wonder
if before I die,
if I'll ever sing along.

P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'.
There is some kind of rhyming scheme involved here. But it's not being strictly followed so i'll take it as a free verse.
as I close my eyes
and droop my head
and wonder what went wrong. (cliche. the stanza is smooth though but perhaps you could express the same feeling differently. You don't have to use words just for the sake of rhyming here. Everyone droops down their head and wonder what went wrong, find a poetic way to express it, even if you want to keep it simple. Show, not tell.)
Till the sun sits high
in some grey-white sky
outside kids laugh and play;
but I don't get far
before she returns
and I wonder what to say; (good progress to the scene, but this 'she' has just appeared suddenly)
I loved the third stanza, with the sense of sadness and regret. Nicely done. I like your poem and don't see much to critique, but I think your first two stanza's need more work. And she was right, what she was right about? Also, last two stanzas are both starting with 'but', something that distracted me, but perhaps this is just me.
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#5
(01-03-2015, 06:20 AM)EJC123 Wrote:  This really speaks to me. You create a feeling of stasis through your poem, although time is clearly moving it seems the life of the narrator is not. It urges me to read on because I want to discover more and learn if the narrator resolves his feelings. Great work!

I think you misunderstand critique. Though you have commented on the poem you have used me,me, and I in two sentences. The comment you make will not help the writer...but you may feel better. Try to point out areas of excellence by all means, but say why. Try to point out areas of weakness....but say why.
You would expect the same ...surely.
Mod
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#6
(01-03-2015, 09:20 AM)Kimbow Wrote:  I really like your poem, I understand the meaning and love the style in which you write.  It sounds as though it comes from the heart.  I am no critic but I like the way words play in my mind, the way they stirred empathy and understanding in me.

(01-03-2015, 10:03 AM)w_shelton Wrote:  I really enjoy how the change of the time of day guides the mood through the poem. The transition from dawn to dusk parallels the mood of the narrator.

Immediately above these posts is Tectak's mod note in red explaining a bit about critique and why comments like these are not specific enough to help the poster. Please read the important threads of each forum before posting.

Thanks and welcome to the site, I'm sure you'll get the knack of it. Smile
ella/mod
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#7
Thank you for the feedback Erthona, I'll take a look:
"P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'."
'' If you have to explain your poem, then It is already not a very good poem.''
I didn't 'have' to explain it, I just did. I'm fairly sure it would have been clear enough anyway.
'' Question, why did you use center justify? It makes it much harder to read, it is not a concrete poem that needs to be center justified to show the image the words form. I see nothing in the poem that would benefit from using center justify.
I guess the nearest thing one could call this would be three feet accentual verse.''
I find it easier to read when centre justified, where the writing is on the page shouldn't really detract much from the writing itself, other than to perhaps indicate I'm ignorant as to what three feet accentual verse is.
'Unless you are writing a blues song, the first word on your first line should probably not be "well", especially since you could remove and it would change the line not a whit.' hardly worth responding to, deal with it?
''In the second stanza I am unsure what the "Till" refers to. does it means that you will continue to mope until " the sun sits high in some grey-white sky". Also, are you sure you want to use "some", which could mean any sky, as in the one half way around the world. Maybe''
some is better choice of words than this given the theme in my opinion.
"the sun sits high in this grey-white sky"
In stanza three you deviate from your previous rhyme pattern. To do so in most cases, including this one, is usually not considered a good idea, as it causes the reader to not stay immersed in the poem, but have to stop to contemplate why the poet changed his pattern. As there seems no reason for it, I would suggest you should return to it. It seems stanza five goes back to the original pattern.
Duly noted.
As far as I can tell you use a large amount of words to beat around the bush, say not much of anything. I suppose I could delineate that, but I am not feeling up to it at the moment. Maybe you can figure that out, or maybe another commentator will help you.
You'd have to as I have no idea what you mean by this.
-regards
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#8
I agree with the person who suggested you not begin with "Well". It works fine without it, and, I'd say, starts it off more powerfully. There are a couple of lines that cause the rhythm to stumble a bit: "but I don't get far/ before she returns" and "Life gone with the light." The very end is repetitive, with two lines starting with "if." I think you should change it to "before I die" instead of "if before I die".

I also agree with the comment about the poem having a sense of time lapsing. This is brought on by various lines such as "dawn draws nigh" and "sun sits high" and "dusk stalks gently on." You've created this sense of the day completely not caring that this person is so distraught, and is just going through the motions. I appreciate this, since it is in contrast to many poets who use the weather to mirror the feelings of the subjects.
-ShootTheStar25
I shall not live in vain.
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#9
First: Opening the poem with ‘well’ adds nothing here and makes it sounds more like lyrics to a song than a poem
Second: Using arcaic words like ‘nigh’ really serves no purpose here except that I assume you want it to “rhyme” with ‘sky’ on the next line. This gives the sensation that words aren’t put naturally in place but have rather been forced in order to rhyme. This really is the biggest concern for me reading this poem; most of the rhymes sound forced, they don’t fall naturally into place, and arcaic words are sometimes used simply for the purpose of rhyme. For example:

outside kids laugh and play;
and I wonder what to say;

Simply put, this sounds ugly.

‘Lingers’ and ‘dwindles’ don’t rhyme in the third stanza. Given that L1 and L2 has rhymed or slant rhymed in every other stanza it screws with the poem.
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#10
(12-25-2014, 12:21 AM)Filíocht Wrote:  
Well the dawn draws nigh
in the pale blue sky
and the birds outside in song;
as I close my eyes
and droop my head
and wonder what went wrong.

Till the sun sits high
in some grey-white sky
outside kids laugh and play;
but I don't get far
before she returns
and I wonder what to say;

but the silence lingers
till the day-light dwindles
and the dusk stalks gently on;
now the streets are quiet
life gone with the light
and she was right all along.

But it's night time now
and I've kept my vow
and the birds have quit their song;
and I wonder, I wonder
if before I die,
if I'll ever sing along.

P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'.

Hello and welcome,
this is suitably posted in the Novice Forum. Progression in poetry is rather like driving along a road where every car has some nugget of advice displayed in the rear window. If you drive too fast you will be continually held up and stuck behind the cars in front. Slow down, let them pass. Read the advice.
What you have done here is write something that means something, that rhymes sometimes (lingers dwindles) and forces when it does (song along), that uses cliches, that uses archaic language (nigh) then doesn't, that has no fixed meter, that excuses itself as being simplistic when , in fact, it is only simple.
OK. What to do? I see your rhyme scheme is almost AAB??B ...fix it and make it so.
Centre align? Glad you like it. I do not. Your poem, your call. Leave it and go home happy.
Well. What well? Should I ever meet Blind Lemon Chitterlin' I may ask him to sing it. Give the man a mouth harp.
.....but......but....by far the biggest problem is CONTENT. There isn't any.
Best,
tectak.
You are to be applauded for the AAB??B rhyme scheme, but if this is a blues song, it has been done before...over....and over...and over again. If it isn't then I would go at it again because it looks as if it is.
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#11
(01-03-2015, 01:15 PM)Filíocht Wrote:  Thank you for the feedback Erthona, I'll take a look:
"P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'."
'' If you have to explain your poem, then It is already not a very good poem.''
I didn't 'have' to explain it, I just did. I'm fairly sure it would have been clear enough anyway.
'' Question, why did you use center justify? It makes it much harder to read, it is not a concrete poem that needs to be center justified to show the image the words form. I see nothing in the poem that would benefit from using center justify.
I guess the nearest thing one could call this would be three feet accentual verse.''
I find it easier to read when centre justified, where the writing is on the page shouldn't really detract much from the writing itself, other than to perhaps indicate I'm ignorant as to what three feet accentual verse is.
'Unless you are writing a blues song, the first word on your first line should probably not be "well", especially since you could remove and it would change the line not a whit.' hardly worth responding to, deal with it?
''In the second stanza I am unsure what the "Till" refers to. does it means that you will continue to mope until " the sun sits high in some grey-white sky". Also, are you sure you want to use "some", which could mean any sky, as in the one half way around the world. Maybe''
some is better choice of words than this given the theme in my opinion.
"the sun sits high in this grey-white sky"
In stanza three you deviate from your previous rhyme pattern. To do so in most cases, including this one, is usually not considered a good idea, as it causes the reader to not stay immersed in the poem, but have to stop to contemplate why the poet changed his pattern. As there seems no reason for it, I would suggest you should return to it. It seems stanza five goes back to the original pattern.
Duly noted.
As far as I can tell you use a large amount of words to beat around the bush, say not much of anything. I suppose I could delineate that, but I am not feeling up to it at the moment. Maybe you can figure that out, or maybe another commentator will help you.
You'd have to as I have no idea what you mean by this.
-regards

The bold above is mine. This is hardly a gracious response to any member who has taken his own time to critique someone else's work for them.

You are free to ignore anything you want to and you may prefer not to google a phrase like "three feet accentual verse" to figure out how it applies to your poem. The choice is yours but the response of "deal with it" will probably not encourage future critiques.

ella/mod
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#12
(12-25-2014, 12:21 AM)Filíocht Wrote:  
Well the dawn draws nigh
in the pale blue sky
and the birds outside in song;
as I close my eyes
and droop my head
and wonder what went wrong.
Till the sun sits high
in some grey-white sky
outside kids laugh and play;
but I don't get far
before she returns
and I wonder what to say;
but the silence lingers
till the day-light dwindles
and the dusk stalks gently on;
now the streets are quiet
life gone with the light
and she was right all along.
But it's night time now
and I've kept my vow
and the birds have quit their song;
and I wonder, I wonder
if before I die,
if I'll ever sing along.

P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'.
Hi,
I like your poem a lot. I admire the fact that it is structured and actually has a progression. You start with a description of dawn and end with a description of night.
Essentially, you spent a day without speaking. At the same time, I find the phrase "if before I die" to be a bit much. It seems to make your poetry a bit morose, almost bleak.
There is progression in your poem but I do not get the sense of imagery.
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#13
Nice rhythm and good form. Just need to clear up with the vow is and what it was she was right about. We only get half the feelings we should get. there’s an emptiness.
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