The Other Side

[bgre9184]

This path eclipsed from light and life I find

Relates to pages once viewed under a bind

My only option to dive into darkness

To be judged by those who think of me less

The choices of past life were none but mine

So brand me a tragedy and bury divine

March me to my endless despair

For I have lived a life of a debonair

This is me realizing what Dante wrote about in the Inferno turns out to exist. To be on a path that goes dark and the only way to go is the darkness where the demons of hell judge based on sins committed. The result being to suffer for eternity, but without regret due to living a life carved by me.

[Mungosmungo]

This path eclipsed from light and life I find your lack of a comma here messes with the flow a bit. to me you seem to be saying that you are finding that relation between life and pages, not light and life aaand the pages. That is ambiguity, but not really the kind that adds to the work, you know?

Relates to pages once viewed under a bind Under a bind? Like in a bound book? This line seems a bit weak.

My only option to dive into darkness perhaps a color would be in order between option and to, given that a list of a sort follows after it. also... perhaps 'options' makes more sense. One part of this poem should be altered in order to make it logically consistent, if that's what you're in to, that is

To be judged by those who think of me less interesting reversal of "think less of me", is that on purpose? I think it is interesting, but perhaps it does not add to the poem.

The choices of past life were none but mine [b] again with the strange, choppy phrasing; however, I do like the sentiment here.

So brand me a tragedy and bury divine Brand me a tragedy is a good line, but 'bury divine' seems weak in comparison; though the duality here is wonderful, I simply think it could be executed more effectively.

March me to my endless despair hm... perhaps a bit cliche, but I like this line; it's like this is being forced upon you, like it is an assertion of something predetermined. It contrasts interestingly with the previous line, wherein you stated that your choices were "none but yours". In some ways I feel like it is another example of the duality expressed in the tragedy line. I think that concept could use a bit more development

For I have lived a life of a debonair Interesting way to end the poem... I like it; this is probably my favorite line, and it makes your theme quite clear

Nice poem I can't wait to see how it develops and changes over time; with revision, addition, revisitation,cooperation, et cetera XD

[Erthona]

Hello, Welcome to the site.

One of the first things that pops out is that most of your rhymes seem forced, but none so much as the final couplet. Being "debonair" is hardly a trait that will get you condemned to hell.

debonair: "courteous, gracious, and having a sophisticated charm." (dictionary.com)

You may have gotten debonair confused with dilettante. I think Dante had something like that in the first ring of hell, but it would seem like even that would not be worthy of "endless despair". I'm not exactly sure why you felt the need to rhyme anyway. Your lines have no meter which is usually a requirement for anything other than incidental rhyme. Personally I would recommend dropping the rhyme as it is not effective in accomplishing anything, and in fact is a hindrance, causing you to write improbable sentences that I would guess you would generally not right if not for the need to rhyme. Example:

"To be judged by those who think of me less"  

To take this at face value it simply means that they do not think about you as much as they used to. What one assumes you are meaning to say is "less worthy", however you drop the "worthy" so "less" can rhyme with "darkness", which considering the price is not an altogether satisfying rhyme.
Regardless, each one of the second lines in the couplets is either a stretch to make sense , or else it is just senseless.

"viewed under a bind"
" and bury divine"  (OK that was a first line)

and the rest I have already commented on.

I don't really know what you are trying to achieve with all of this white space, to me it is distracting, as is the fact of capping the start of every line, and then not using periods to delineate sentences. Poetry, just as prose has to follow the same rules of grammar, typography, and syntax that prose must, unless there is a compelling reason, or rationale to abandon them. I see nothing here that would fulfill that criteria. The capping of the first word of every line went out circa 1950's, because they finally realized that only capitalizing the start of the sentences made for much easier reading and lent itself to less confusion.          

Again, welcome to the site,

Best wishes,


Dale

[bgre9184]

Erthona,
Thank you for the output. I have done anything grammar wise to it ao far since i just wanted some critique on the actual poem. Concerning my last line that's the thing about the inferno. You can live a life of a good person, but every sin is accounted for. In Dante's tale he crosses paths with many kings and people who were praised in their formal life but were destined to eternal punishment.

Mungosmungo,
The lack of commas is due because i wasnt worrying about grammar right away as i was the actual poem. "Who think of me less" was on purpose due to the judgement all receive in the inferno. Thank you for your output. I will be working on this more.

[Erthona]

bgre9184,

You do not need to explain yourself to me, but since you have. I am quite familiar with Dante's Inferno, and that people one would not expect can end up there. These are primarily the people who do nice things to be seen, and to receive adulation for such things. This fake holiness will definitely get you sent to the Inferno. Certainly "dilettante" would apply, which is why I mentioned it. However the word you used, "debonair" has no negative connotations at all and there is no reason being that way, polite, and socially considerate, would get anyone thrown in the Inferno. You might as well say that such and such man was condemned to the Inferno because he would surreptitiously donate money to the Salvation Army. Since you brought it up, grammar is not something that is separate from the poem. Before you post it, it should be in the best grammatical shape you can get it in. To do otherwise is a disregard for ones own work, and a statement that says you do not think poetry is a serious endeavor. Plus it is just flat out rude to present a piece for critique that you could have gotten in better shape, but instead decided to let someone else do the work. Remember, grammar is an integral part of writing, and writing is how one creates a poem, so grammar is an integral part of poetry.
To say,

"I have (haven't) done anything grammar wise to it ao far since i just wanted some critique on the actual poem."

Is equivalent to saying, I haven't yet gotten things spelled correctly, cause I "just wanted some critique on the actual poem."

dale

[Mungosmungo]

Agreed with erthona; It was kind of sloppy. I would be interested in offering more serious critique once you've polished it up a bit.

[bgre9184]

10-4 fellas. I'll get to work on presenting a proper poem.

[BW BRINE]

Rhyming is forced.

I understand where you're coming from with "debonair", but as mentioned above, it doesn't have any negative context (I would go with sarcastic context - you need something that implies feigned sincerity, perhaps like self-righteousness or something along those lines). Also on that line, it'd work better if it was:

"lived THE life of a debonair"

or even

"lived THE life of THE debonair"

rather than

"lived A life of a debonair"

Furthermore, you've already been notified (and seemed previously aware) that there are grammatical errors, so I won't dive into that. Nice concept, but you need to work on the details.

-BW

[zahrakh]

This path eclipsed from light and life I find The lack of punctuation throughout the poem is making it a little hard to understand. Otherwise, this line is fine.

Relates to pages once viewed under a bind What relates to pages...?

My only option to dive into darkness See lack of comma is really making hard to see what is being said. One more thing, the rhyming feels bit forced.

To be judged by those who think of me less

The choices of past life were none but mine Wouldn't it be better 'The choices of past life were 'of' none, but mine"?

So brand me a tragedy and bury divine (nice line)

March me to my endless despair

For I have lived a life of a debonair

This is me realizing what Dante wrote about in the Inferno turns out to exist. To be on a path that goes dark and the only way to go is the darkness where the demons of hell judge based on sins committed. The result being to suffer for eternity, but without regret due to living a life carved by me.

I like your poem. The message is presented in a nice and clear way. The lack of comma is making it hard to understand it for me.

[tectak]

This path eclipsed from light and life I find The lack of punctuation throughout the poem is making it a little hard to understand. Otherwise, this line is fine.

Relates to pages once viewed under a bind What relates to pages...?

My only option to dive into darkness See lack of comma is really making hard to see what is being said. One more thing, the rhyming feels bit forced.

To be judged by those who think of me less

The choices of past life were none but mine Wouldn't it be better 'The choices of past life were 'of' none, but mine"?

So brand me a tragedy and bury divine (nice line)

March me to my endless despair

For I have lived a life of a debonair

This is me realizing what Dante wrote about in the Inferno turns out to exist. To be on a path that goes dark and the only way to go is the darkness where the demons of hell judge based on sins committed. The result being to suffer for eternity, but without regret due to living a life carved by me.

I like your poem. The message is presented in a nice and clear way. The lack of comma is making it hard to understand it for me.

This is not worthy of consideration as critique...indeed, it is utterly contradictory to the point of deliberate cynicism. If you are trying to make a point you have only succeeded in showing yourself up. One must question whether you have taken the time to read the poem. Try harder, this will not do. Please READ the site rules and guidelines.
Mod

[zahrakh]

Oh, I just saw your response tectak. I am sorry, I'm trying, new to critique and all.

[heslopian]

This path eclipsed from light and life I find

Relates to pages once viewed under a bind

My only option to dive into darkness

To be judged by those who think of me less "Less" than what? Or do they just not think of your narrator much?

The choices of past life were none but mine

So brand me a tragedy and bury divine "Divine" doesn't seem to jive with the rest of the line, and so feels tacked on to make a rhyme, in my opinion.

March me to my endless despair

For I have lived a life of a debonair I think "debonair" is more of an adjective than a noun.

This is me realizing what Dante wrote about in the Inferno turns out to exist. To be on a path that goes dark and the only way to go is the darkness where the demons of hell judge based on sins committed. The result being to suffer for eternity, but without regret due to living a life carved by me. - The information here should, I think, be expressed in the poem itself. Perhaps another verse or two?

The poem could be great, in my opinion, if you knuckled down and made it a longer narrative piece about you reading the Inferno and then responding to it. Maybe only three verses or so, but it would be so much better. As it is, it's kind of generic and forgettable. That's just my thoughts, though

[leftovernachos]

I vibe well with the Dante's Inferno subject matter, but as others have said, the rhyming feels forced, and without rhythm. I'd say debonair would be wrong here unless you wrote "THOUGH I have lived a life of debonair"... The word "for" in this instance kind of translates to "because". Maybe if you skipped the rhyming and focused on your message the poem might have more weight to it? I really dig the idea of having a nonchalant attitude towards eternal suffering in light of having made your own decisions, though.

This path eclipsed from light and life I find

Relates to pages once viewed under a bind

My only option to dive into darkness

To be judged by those who think of me less

The choices of past life were none but mine

So brand me a tragedy and bury divine

March me to my endless despair

For I have lived a life of a debonair

This is me realizing what Dante wrote about in the Inferno turns out to exist. To be on a path that goes dark and the only way to go is the darkness where the demons of hell judge based on sins committed. The result being to suffer for eternity, but without regret due to living a life carved by me.

[bena]

I haven't read the other critiques so please forgive me if I repeat something.

One good thing you have going for you is your meter, which is nearly perfect. The end rhymes do seem a tad bit forced...and some of your vocabulary is a bit archaic, which is fine if that is what you want.

I would prefer a bit of punctuation, but that is just a personal opinion you can toss if you wish. I personally would also lose the caps of each sentence since that dates the poem, but I can see the influence of Dante you may want to keep, up to you

Overall I like this piece, I personally find the rhythm and style to be effective in your device.

Good work,

mel/bena