Milo on "Missing the internet" by Just Mercedes
#1
The whole thread can be found here
Some good feedback throughout the thread but Milo's format and feedback struck me as worthy of a mention. I'd also like to note the graciousness and willingness to edit shown by the poet who's thread it is; Just Mercedes
(12-04-2014, 02:29 PM)just mercedes Wrote:  Edit #1
 
 
What’s the name of that broad-leaved herb
Romans prized for mending bones –
you bound leaves tightly around the break,
picked up your shield and kept running?

For some reason "leaved" sounds funny to me instead of "leafed" but I am sure that is a dialect thing.  There is an odd third person/second person thing that is rather distracting - "Romans prized . . . you bound leaves" instead of the more expected "Romans prized . . . they bound" which makes me question the need for pronouns at all instead of just using the participle.  I think the first 2 lines are effective but the last 2 may need some work to make them read natural as well as to tie them stronger to your metaphor.
Quote:
 
I can see it growing in my old garden
under the quince tree, where it smothered
if unchecked the clump of yarrow
and the blue bearded irises
under flat furry leaves
that grew back each year
with a spike in spring of violet
triffid flowers. I can close my eyes
and see drops of dew, a sprinkle of
pearly diamonds reflecting
a precisely inverted world

The first sentence here is rather long and complex.  I wonder if there might be a better way to separate the independent clause - perhaps and em dash or colon instead of the comma splice. "Where it smothered if unchecked" feels rather wordy and clumsy.
Quote:
 
but its name no longer responds.
 
I can even see the book on my bookshelf
in another country, in a room
that doesn't exist any more
in a memory that still does.

"book on my bookshelf" - hmm, I wonder if you would consider just "book on the shelf"
another consideration-
 . . . in a room
that no longer exists
and a memory that still does"
which would economize and push the line break onto exist which seems important from "more" which doesn't.
Quote:
 
I can turn to page 432 and see the
picture but I can’t read the
caption underneath. Is this
how it begins? Breaks that
can’t be mended because
the name has gone?
 
 
the line breaks in this section seem almost deliberately wrong but I can't figure out the reasoning behind them which means they may not be meeting your intent:
the - the -this - that
all words you would normally avoid breaking on.
I think the concept is great.  I was struggling the other day to bring a word to mind and I never got it and it is a little scary at first wondering if this is giong to be the norm now.
Thanks for posting.
 
 
 
 
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