Eyeing Light in Darkness

[jsoutiere92]

One day I peered into the mirror
And saw another person staring,
Although familiarity was there
About the hazel eyes and hair.
And so I stared and stared divining
What inside those eyes was shining,
Fiercely shining,
Like headlights in the distance.

For what it brought to bare in me
I was not entirely prepared,
But I was there and I was staring
Deeply in my soulful self,
The one I am - the one who's tearing
Deeper, deeper, deeper still
Into that darker darkness, peering,
Boring through like hammer drills.

Though when I finally emerged
I saw, and still forever see,
The truest, darkest depths of me -
The cavernously branching depths
Stretching outward endlessly
Like stars’ reflections in the sea.

And through the darkness I was seeing,
I saw again the light was shining
Brighter, brighter, brighter still
Until it was as almost blinding.
I observed and scrutinized it,
Scrutinized then realized,
And I believed inside of me
This was the purest thing of beauty
Against that darkest darkness leering,
And the demons there appearing.

There it was, inside my eyes,
And all it took to see was looking.

[tectak]

One day I peered into the mirror Not a good opener. It is in the "once upon a time" genre. "peered" is an eclectic choice. Are you short sighted? Is the mirror fogged? Is it dark? Are you crying? Is there smoke in the air? Endless opportunities exist to draw the reader in...but you are just peering.Why?
And saw another person staring, Please don't capitalise lines.It is pseudo-poetic, retro and can be very confusing...especially if you intend punctuating
Although familiarity was there Dangerously hackneyed. This is very old hat made even less tolerable by the "ing" rhymes. You are staggering down Gerund Avenue. You have so many "stares" I wonder that you are not declared comatose. So. Knock out the cheap "ing ing ing" stuff, avoid repeated words, it is not a political speech, get rid of the "and and and". It is a bad habit which will stifle your connected thinking processes. Children relate stories in this form of breathless prose; and then....and then....and then. It is laziness and lack of experience but you CAN avoid by reading your own work out loud. You will "hear" the andiness.
About the hazel eyes and hair.
And so I stared and stared divining
What inside those eyes was shining,
Fiercely shining,
Like headlights in the distance. Very clumsy syntax in these last lines...to no real effect. and and and. Puerile rhyme then a cliche to end on. Needs work but will you?

For what it brought to bare in me
I was not entirely prepared,
But I was there and I was staring Meter, if it can be so described, is like logs falling down stairs. Huge and brassy inversion in the first two lines just grates on this reader....what is "it". You do not say. You go back in to a coma again. Stop with the staring, why don't you. This line is redundant. Of course you were there...bugger, it rhymes with stare. Missed that one, didn't you
Deeply in my soulful self, Oh, good grief. This line needs shooting, setting on fire and burying...just to stop it infecting the last lines.
The one I am - the one who's tearing Too late. Epidemic of emo virus breaks out. Watch out for ings that don't go when pressure is applied.
Deeper, deeper, deeper still
Into that darker darkness, peering,
Boring through like hammer drills. Enough. No place for bloody hammer drills in sensitive verse. Find some other rhyme or don't rhyme at all. Yes...that's it. Forget trying rhyming. Aaaaargh! It's got me now!

Though when I finally emerged
I saw, and still forever see,
The truest, darkest depths of me -
The cavernously branching depths
Stretching outward endlessly
Like stars’ reflections in the sea. I have no idea where you or this stanza emerged from but aliens have taken you over...almost good but you cannot fool me. I know it's you. depths depths give you away. Cavernously branching is fine but not as a modifier for depth. Take some time and get it right. It is YOUR poem...own it. Beat it in to shape.

And through the darkness I was seeing,
I saw again the light was shining
Brighter, brighter, brighter still
Until it was as almost blinding.
I observed and scrutinized it,
Scrutinized then realized,
And I believed inside of me
This was the purest thing of beauty
Against that darkest darkness leering,
And the demons there appearing.

There it was, inside my eyes,
And all it took to see was looking. All the last uncommented on is much as the rest. If you really want to make this work I would stop rhyming. It is painfully forced. Without the ing-words you would flounder....please though, don't rewrite it with every line ending in " ion". It's your decision, avoid derision. It will bring tension; did I mention condescention is my invention?

Hello js,
You have posted in serious workshopping.Let's see how it goes.
Best,
tectak

[Jzara]

I like this, and I dsagree, with the previous comment about :
'One day I peered into the mirror'
Being a bad opener.
It's not necessarily a 'once upon a time' prefix to the poem. If this was used to suggest a sudden change, I personally found it effective. ??

[tectak]

I like this, and I dsagree, with the previous comment about :
'One day I peered into the mirror'
Being a bad opener.
It's not necessarily a 'once upon a time' prefix to the poem. If this was used to suggest a sudden change, I personally found it effective. ??

"I like this" is not valid critique. This is the serious workshopping forum. Please restrict your comments to that area of critique which will help the poster. Critting the crit helps no one.
Mod.