Da steht ein Lindenbaum

[EileenGreay]

Da steht ein Lindenbaum

A rough sort of love for life;
a love which shivers and shakes off
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves.

The love of twigs, snapping
underfoot, between finger and thumb;
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap.

I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps of self, building my limbs anew.

Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed.
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer,
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath.

[Leanne]

Hello Eileen, how lovely to see you back! There is a wonderful connectedness to this poem, such that it works as either a human or divine gardener, or indeed the earth itself shifting with the seasons. The intertextuality adds depth (and music, at least in my head).

Da steht ein Lindenbaum

A rough sort of love for life;
a love which shivers and shakes off -- it probably doesn't make much difference, but I think 'that' is better than 'which' here
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves. -- 'patchwork quilts of leaves' is edging toward cliche

The love of twigs, snapping -- slight clausal confusion (because I'm nerdy) suggests to me that an em-dash might work better than a comma on this line and perhaps as an alternative to the semi-colon on the next line
underfoot, between finger and thumb;
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap. -- this reads as though the bark is on the rivulets of sap also, whereas I think your intent is that the rivulets of sap are on the palms

I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps of self, building my limbs anew. -- all the -ings work quite nicely here

Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed. -- lovely alliteration!
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer, -- slight grammatical issue here -- sounds like the hands are clasped at the root of the hands, because no other root has been introduced (and my hands don't have roots so I'm sure that's not what you mean!)
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath.

[EileenGreay]

Hello Eileen, how lovely to see you back!  There is a wonderful connectedness to this poem, such that it works as either a human or divine gardener, or indeed the earth itself shifting with the seasons.  The intertextuality adds depth (and music, at least in my head).

Da steht ein Lindenbaum

A rough sort of love for life;
a love which shivers and shakes off -- it probably doesn't make much difference, but I think 'that' is better than 'which' here
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves. -- 'patchwork quilts of leaves' is edging toward cliche

The love of twigs, snapping -- slight clausal confusion (because I'm nerdy) suggests to me that an em-dash might work better than a comma on this line and perhaps as an alternative to the semi-colon on the next line
underfoot, between finger and thumb;
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap. -- this reads as though the bark is on the rivulets of sap also, whereas I think your intent is that the rivulets of sap are on the palms

I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps of self, building my limbs anew. -- all the -ings work quite nicely here

Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed. -- lovely alliteration!
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer, -- slight grammatical issue here -- sounds like the hands are clasped at the root of the hands, because no other root has been introduced (and my hands don't have roots so I'm sure that's not what you mean!)
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath.

Leanne, thank you for your kind words and detailed feedback. Much for me to think about here. I'm very glad to have found time to return to the forum – and very sorry that I've been away for so long! Eileen

[ChristopherSea]

Greetings Eileen, wonderful to see you back posting again. I am a real tree-hugger and adore arboreal poems.

Is the reference to the lime tree in your title referring to yourself, as you do in the poem? If so, would ‘Heir’ be more appropriate than ‘Da’, as in ‘Here, stands a lime tree’ verses ‘There, stands a lime tree’? Perhaps another stanza in the poem incorporating the citrus fruit itself would connect the title to the poem more and extend your metaphor.

In stanza one, do you need the ‘blankets’ along with the ‘quilts,’ the latter should suffice. There’s a similar redundancy/contradiction in stanza two: Is ‘underfoot’ necessary,’ when the ‘hand’ is the subject of the stanza.  I am not certain, but perhaps inverting ‘rivulets of sap’( you can) ‘glue’ (the) ‘bark on soft palms.’

Stanza three is my favorite!

In your final stanza, are your ‘hands clasped’ by the roots of the tree. Maybe inverting the line with something like: ‘By the roots, hands clasped:…’ would be more apropos.

I hope something herein helps with your next edit, see what you think. I like what you have done here.

Cheers and thanks for sharing your work again./Chris

[billy]

high eileen. while the extended metaphor works, i'd like to see a little more of why the last stanza exists. something that lessens the ambiguity just a little.

thanks for the read.

Da steht ein Lindenbaum

A rough sort of love for life;
a love which shivers and shakes off  no problem with the 2nd love, which is unusual for me.
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves.

The love of twigs, snapping
underfoot, between finger and thumb;  there's a conflict in the punctuation for me with this line. it reads as though finger and thumb were under foot. i'd suggest a semi colon or  punctuation that separates the two
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap.

I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps of self, building my limbs anew. so the tree is the poem, and the 1st person is the tree (metaphorically)

Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed. not heard "clayed" but nice alliteration.
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer,
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath.

[EileenGreay]

Thank you, Billy and ChristopherSea, for your considered and detailed feedback. Very grateful. I'll be working on an edit over the next few days, and you've both given me much food for thought.

Realised I should probably explain the title a little: the words are taken from the poem 'Der Lindenbaum' by Wilhelm Müller – a poem most famous for its setting by Schubert in the song cycle Winterreise. Here's a video of the inimitable Fischer-Dieskau singing it, with the wonderful Gerald Moore accompanying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXBNePEDTEo

[tectak]

Da steht ein Lindenbaum

A rough sort of love for life;
a love which shivers and shakes off
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves.

The love of twigs, snapping
underfoot, between finger and thumb;
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap.

I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps of self, building my limbs anew.

Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed.
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer,
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath.

Welcome back,Eilean.
This is commitment verse.....rare at the  moment. It has a destination, it goes, and it arrives. A very structured and beautifully connected piece. On that consideration I have to say that it is over-punctuated within its own genre...over activity in the colon department. Now, I know that you know the value of the colonic hiatus...that pensive hold, the pause that pleases...but I really believe you are sacrificing the sensitivity of  interpretion on the altar of acutance. The last stanza is broken like a biscuit in to crumbs by the semicolon, comma, comma, period, colon,comma, period, period...and only three lines. I am not saying it is wrong or that it fails but only that it is out of place. The piece is viscous enough to flow like honey...why let it crystallise?
This me liking it though S2 suffers from metaphorical proximity problems....underfoot twixt thumb and finger...but you knew that already. Why do I bother
Very best,
tectak

[just mercedes]

Da steht ein Lindenbaum

A rough sort of love for life; I like the rough/love sound
a love which shivers and shakes off the 'which' sort of distanced it
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves.

The love of twigs, snapping
underfoot, between finger and thumb; I got a bit inverted here and stood on my fingers
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap. rivulets of sap in Spring, but autumn leaves? confused, but not unhappy


I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps {of self}, building my limbs anew. I like the action here as well as the sounds

Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed. Great sounds, all of them you can make without moving your cracked lips.
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer, I don't like 'prayer' - benison, blessing, orison, invocation?
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath. I love the tempo and tone of this final line  It lingers for me like struck crystal.

Thank you for posting - I enjoyed reading your poem.