three one line poems: my attempt at monoku (title change)

[azure]

Edit 1.02

1)

Scent of her clings to me- naked november


Hung over- heaven found - big mac


Orion's belt held up by palm fronds


Little boy stutters- little girl


2)

Odd snow fall- defiance of mute saguaros

blood red light- smoke alarm


3)

Evening blast of formless wind- spine shivers


heavy night broken window- gunshot





Edit 1.01

1)

(Ahhhh, wtf...)

Hung over- heaven found - big mac




Orion's belt held up by palm fronds



Little boy stutters- little girl


2)

blood red light- smoke alarm


3)

heavy night broken window- gunshot

[srijantje]

without "a"?

[azure]

without "a"?

removing "a"? or adding "a"?

[billy]

are there any seasonal words? would an em dash help differentiate the clauses. are the a's needed? it works yet the three liner gives the pause acts as a visual aid and makes it easier to see the juxtaposed images.

1)

Little boy stutters- little girl


2)

blood red lone light- smoke alarm [is lone needed]?


3)

heavy night broken window- gunshot

1)


Little boy stutters little girl


2)

blood red lone light a smoke alarm


3)

heavy night broken window a gunshot

[billy]

missed this one. it doesn't seem to have a cut/ change of direction, would [help up] work better than tickled? though it would still need a change in direction (something like;- optical illusion)

1)

Orion's belt tickled by palm fronds

[azure]

are there any seasonal words? would an em dash help differentiate the clauses. are the a's needed? it works yet the three liner gives the pause acts as a visual aid and makes it easier to see the juxtaposed images.

1)

Little boy stutters- little girl


2)

blood red lone light- smoke alarm [is lone needed]?


3)

heavy night broken window- gunshot

1)


Little boy stutters little girl


2)

blood red lone light a smoke alarm


3)

heavy night broken window a gunshot

Thanks billy. I don't know much about haiku. I jumped into the form a couple days ago. I guess these were intended to be "free form" or modern haiku, thus no seasonal word. Still getting the hang of the cutting. I don't think I understand the importance of the dash that much? Is to imply a break, a pause, or help paint the picture in the reader's mind? I dunno, must do more research.

[billy]

it's to imply a break pause and anything else that helps the reader see two parts to the thing. we have a fair few read ups in this forum that may help as far as haiku's go. while line length and number can or may be changed, (for me) without the seasonal word and the change in direction it's just another line of poetry. back to the dash. it isn't really needed but it does sometimes help the reader spot the break, as we all know, readers can be almost as bad as writers

good efforts though

[azure]

it's to imply  a break pause and anything else that helps the reader see two parts to the thing. we have a fair few read ups in this forum that may help as far as haiku's go. while line length and number can or may be changed, (for me) without the seasonal word and the change in direction it's just another line of poetry. back to the dash. it isn't really needed but it does sometimes help the reader spot the break, as we all know, readers can be almost as bad as writers

good efforts though

Gonna go check em out. I would have to say that "modern haiku" is just a cop out in regards to writers (such as myself) being too lazy to implement proper form. The seasonal word really does embody the "true" nature of haiku, yet I find that form can be a hindrance at times for whatever craps out of me creatively. I will master this form dammit!   I wish

[billy]

we can still do the one liners without a season word/cut etc and simply call it what it is... a one line poem

[azure]

we can still do the one liners without a season word/cut etc and simply call it what it is... a one line poem

one line, you only snorted wrote one line?!? ...Yeah but that wouldn't make me feel like I popped the haiku cherry. (Oops wrong forum.)

[billy]

this is a list of stuff that might help us all with the haiku. there's loads of stuff out there. and only a few of what could be called hard and fast rules.

[azure]

this is a list of stuff that might help us all with the haiku. there's loads of stuff out there. and only a few of what could be called hard and fast rules.

Very helpful. Now that this is cleared up for me, expect great things.

[srijantje]

without "a"