Orchids

[azure]

Edit 1.01

Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

I can remember,
when a rainy day
meant an island getaway;
our bed adrift at sea;
when love was raw
and yielding as
April's lithe sun.

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
for you on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laughed
October into oblivion.


Original

Delicious!

Your morning lips
like poppy seed tea,
served on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

Remember when
we played hooky,
and made love among
the looming oaks
of Cibolo Creek?

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laugh
October away.

[cidermaid]

Hi Azure,
I must admit i got a bit confused by a couple of aspects of your poem.
My first stumble is concerning the title is it orchids or delicious?  
orchids makes sense given the last stanza but then so does delicious.
I quite like orchids for the images they give me.  so I have taken delicious as a first line to the poem in my crit.

Delicious!

Your morning lips  If taking delicious as part of the actual poem then I would find more sense of this stanza if you pulled delicious down to be first word on the same line and removed your.
like poppy seed tea,
served on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.   really liked the rest of the stanza

Remember when
we played hooky,
and made love among
the looming oaks
of Cibolo Creek?   Not sure I need the name of the creek - it does not mean anything to me but then equally it does speak of a special place by naming ti so is good enough.

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laugh should that be past tense? (laughed)
October away.  This last stanza felt like it was taken from a different poem / memory.  the emotion was changed by the use of wither and laughed.  I felt that I wanted some more to lead me into why the change of emotional aspect in the relationship from whistful fondness to something that could be taken as harder and cynical.  That said i really like this stanza.

All the best AJ.

[vagabond]

Delicious!

Your morning lips
like poppy seed tea,
served on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.                               so, overall, the morning lips are like doing crosswords on a gray sunday? or is it me, not getting the picture?

Remember when
we played hooky,
and made love among
the looming oaks
of Cibolo Creek?                                   

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laugh
October away.                              is it love you want to watch wither away, or do you refer to other "orchids"?

maybe it´s just a reader´s problem but I don´t get any meaning out of this.

[ellajam]

Hi, I'm enjoying this, some notes below.

Delicious!

Your morning lips
like poppy seed tea,
served on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.
Some confusion on what's being served, the lips today or teas on Sundays, could be clarified with comma change, or not.

Remember when
we played hooky,
and made love among
the looming oaks
of Cibolo Creek?
I appreciate this giving the relationship age but I think that lazy Sundays already did that.

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laugh
October away.
I like wither vs laugh, October is a time of withering and time spent watching it together a gift.

Hope this helps.

[azure]

Thanks for the critiques guys. I'm taking into consideration all of your suggestions to my edit of this poem. Thinking of either cutting S2 or rewriting it to give the readers more to work with as it leads into the contrast in the last stanza. Much appreciated.

[EileenGreay]

Edit 1.01

Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays, I'd like to see this simile developed a little more. It's good as it is, but perhaps slightly too nebulous...
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock. A touching opening, but I do feel that lines 4-6 are stronger than 1-3

I can remember, I'd remove the comma here. And maybe the 'can'.
when a rainy day
meant an island getaway;
our bed adrift at sea; Lovely image, though makes me think of a Duffy poem, 'Anne Hathaway'.
when love was raw
and yielding as
April's lithe sun.

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
for you on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laughed
October into oblivion. I think 'oblivion' is a bit too grandiose... it jars slightly with the domestic simplicity of the rest of the poem. In larger terms, I'd like to see how this stanza works in a different tense, and slightly more broken up. For instance: 'I bought some orchids / for your birthday. / We watched them / wither as we laughed / October into nothingness.' (Please don't take this as a rewriting because I think my version is definitely inferior to your original. I merely wanted to show how a different tense could work.)

I very much like this – and what an improvement on the first version. Apologies that I don't have too much feedback to give. It's really very good, so looking forward to seeing how it develops!

[Beacherjosh]

your 1.01 edit
Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

This 1st stanza, like others were saying, confuses me.

I can remember,
when a rainy day
meant an island getaway; ----I like the rhyme it really solidifies the fluidity of this piece.
our bed adrift at sea;
when love was raw -----The word "raw" seems to harsh and pointed and takes away from the fluidity in my opinion.
and yielding as
April's lithe sun.

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
for you on your birthday, --- I like that both 3rd lines rhyme. No reasons why I like it, I just do.
so we could watch them
wither as we laughed
October into oblivion. --- it ended in a very abrupt sounding way. the last line has a completely different tone than the rest of the
fluid poem. I notices some other people said they liked it and felt it was like a cliff hanger, but I did not enjoy it, and
It being the last line, took away from how I viewed the poem.

[billy]

the delicious fix is much better, as is the tense fix on the last line, playing devil's advocate i had no problem wit the first stanza now the delicious thing is fixed. the first three line are the simile the last three set the time, at worst a semi colon could be used instead of a comma. i have to say while enjoying the poem, the titles connection eludes me. some good images throughout the poem that lend a leisurely pace to the life within it.   i would have liked to have seen a stanza about orchids in their to make the title more relevant. a great write nonetheless.

Edit 1.01

Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

I can remember, not sure this line is needed but if it is, why not give it it's own line (with a line space below as well as above and italicize it?
when a rainy day
meant an island getaway;
our bed adrift at sea;
when love was raw
and yielding as
April's lithe sun.

I thought I’d this feels like a week line. i'm sure it would be easy enough  to move buy up and do a small change on the enjambment with a few of the other lines in order to make the line stronger.

I thought I’d buy some
orchids for you
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laughed i like the frivolity of this line and the enjambment 
October into oblivion.


Original

Delicious!

Your morning lips
like poppy seed tea,
served on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

Remember when
we played hooky,
and made love among
the looming oaks
of Cibolo Creek?

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laugh
October away.

[Bunx]

Really liked the duel subject matter of this poem. On one side there is a nature of relationships and change. When I feel like the other subject of this poem is the changing of the season and the death of fall. I really enjoyed the first stanza


"Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock."

It paints a clear picture in my mind as well as providing a great metaphor. It sets the mood and tone of the poem clearly. The next line starts with "I can remember" I think this line could be a bit better perhaps by making the next stanza a question with "Do you remember" It could potentially make the poem more personal for the reader my including the narrators partner. The next suggestion is about the title. I think the last line would make a great title. "October into oblivion"

Really enjoyed this read, thanks for posting!