Dear Love/Hate:

[Kreative]

Dear Love: 


I'll give it a year,
To redefine these words you hear,
Breathe verse amid the chorus,
Make this tarnish shine for us

You're spitting daggers,
Like last year, and every day thereafter.
How much do I need to bleed
To give you the life you need?

Light these embers,
With that burning temper,
Warm this soul of mine,
Freezing for some time.

Where did I go wrong?
It's been far too long
Since I said "I love you"
And I loved you.

Dear Love:
I beg "End me, please.",
It's what you owe.
It's what you sow, 
So reap,
And gift me release.

I'm asking you to hate me
So I can lose this fight in peace.

[coy]

Dear Love: 


I'll give it a year,
To redefine these words you hear, what words?
Breathe verse amid the chorus,
Make this tarnish shine for us

You're spitting daggers,
Like last year, and every day thereafter. This line is unnecessarily long to make the obviously forced slant rhyme
How much do I need to bleed
To give you the life you need? i don't know, how much?

Light these embers,
With that burning temper, it would make more sense if you said: "you can spark embers / with that burning temper"
Warm this soul of mine,
Freezing for some time. the poem up to this point has been about your muses' volatile and abrasive temper. Now it warms your soul?

Where did I go wrong? this really doesn't sound like a "you" problem.
It's been far too long
Since I said "I love you"
And I loved you. cliche

Dear Love:
I beg "End me, please.",
It's what you owe.
It's what you sow, 
So reap, i like what you did with that adage, but the rhyming of owe and sow sounds forced.
And gift me release.

I'm asking you to hate me
So I can lose this fight in peace.

If you're going to have a poem that rhymes, I suggest implementing a meter, or rhythm; there's plenty of well-written guides on this site that present meter in its rudimentary form for neophyte poets. Regarding the poem as a whole, it was much to maudlin and confusing -- bouncing from one undeveloped idea to another -- for my liking. I'm aware that I'm critiquing the bloody hell out of touchy material, but I could read a John Greene book that invokes the same emotional response. If you are going to write poetry, try not to directly tackle trite concepts -- present them in a revolutionary way. What is going to separate this poem from the millions of others that were inspired from similar feelings of despair?

[Kreative]

Dear Love: 


I'll give it a year,
To redefine these words you hear, what words?
Breathe verse amid the chorus,
Make this tarnish shine for us

You're spitting daggers,
Like last year, and every day thereafter. This line is unnecessarily long to make the obviously forced slant rhyme
How much do I need to bleed
To give you the life you need? i don't know, how much?

Light these embers,
With that burning temper, it would make more sense if you said: "you can spark embers / with that burning temper"
Warm this soul of mine,
Freezing for some time. the poem up to this point has been about your muses' volatile and abrasive temper. Now it warms your soul?

Where did I go wrong? this really doesn't sound like a "you" problem.
It's been far too long
Since I said "I love you"
And I loved you. cliche

Dear Love:
I beg "End me, please.",
It's what you owe.
It's what you sow, 
So reap, i like what you did with that adage, but the rhyming of owe and sow sounds forced.
And gift me release.

I'm asking you to hate me
So I can lose this fight in peace.

If you're going to have a poem that rhymes, I suggest implementing a meter, or rhythm; there's plenty of well-written guides on this site that present meter in its rudimentary form for neophyte poets. Regarding the poem as a whole, it was much to maudlin and confusing--bouncing from one undeveloped idea to another--for my liking.

Thanks for the feedback! In a poem that has a love theme I figured that talking about words would be pretty self explanatory but I see my mistake. And also the whole stanza about embers, it was about rekindling the love that was lost (don't know if I've ever said something that cliche wow), not describing his/her temper. The whole theme was a " love if gone what happened why do you always have an attitude" type thing. Thinking about it from an outside perspective is confusing, I'll try to implement a meter of some sort and see how that goes. Thanks again.

[coy]

Dear Love: 


I'll give it a year,
To redefine these words you hear, what words?
Breathe verse amid the chorus,
Make this tarnish shine for us

You're spitting daggers,
Like last year, and every day thereafter. This line is unnecessarily long to make the obviously forced slant rhyme
How much do I need to bleed
To give you the life you need? i don't know, how much?

Light these embers,
With that burning temper, it would make more sense if you said: "you can spark embers / with that burning temper"
Warm this soul of mine,
Freezing for some time. the poem up to this point has been about your muses' volatile and abrasive temper. Now it warms your soul?

Where did I go wrong? this really doesn't sound like a "you" problem.
It's been far too long
Since I said "I love you"
And I loved you. cliche

Dear Love:
I beg "End me, please.",
It's what you owe.
It's what you sow, 
So reap, i like what you did with that adage, but the rhyming of owe and sow sounds forced.
And gift me release.

I'm asking you to hate me
So I can lose this fight in peace.

If you're going to have a poem that rhymes, I suggest implementing a meter, or rhythm; there's plenty of well-written guides on this site that present meter in its rudimentary form for neophyte poets. Regarding the poem as a whole, it was much to maudlin and confusing--bouncing from one undeveloped idea to another--for my liking.

Thanks for the feedback! In a poem that has a love theme I figured that talking about words would be pretty self explanatory but I see my mistake. And also the whole stanza about embers, it was about rekindling the love that was lost (don't know if I've ever said something that cliche wow), not describing his/her temper. The whole theme was a " love if gone what happened why do you always have an attitude" type thing. Thinking about it from an outside perspective is confusing, I'll try to implement a meter of some sort and see how that goes. Thanks again.

Don't worry about the cliches, everyone makes mistakes. That's why we critique: to share our insights, experiences, find incongruncies, and share different perspectives, all to aid in other's poetic endeavors. By the way, I was adding to my original post when you responded, so feel free to read over that!

[StanleyZ]

Dear Love: 


I'll give it a year,
To redefine these words you hear,
Breathe verse amid the chorus,
Make this tarnish shine for us

You're spitting daggers,
Like last year, and every day thereafter.
How much do I need to bleed
To give you the life you need?

Light these embers,
With that burning temper,
Warm this soul of mine,
Freezing for some time.

Where did I go wrong?
It's been far too long
Since I said "I love you"
And I loved you.

Dear Love:
I beg "End me, please.",
It's what you owe.
It's what you sow, 
So reap,
And gift me release.

I'm asking you to hate me
So I can lose this fight in peace.

This poem is riddled with forced rhymes and cliches. To avoid the lure of forced rhyming meter is necessary, but meter must be a product of theme. The theme here is weak, because of the lack of meter and original content. Writing poetry is a lot like walking on a tight rope. On one side you have the history of literature, everything that has been done, and on the other you have the infinite possibility of what has not been done, as poets we trot that tight rope with the balancing mechanism of our own knowledge, creativity, and style. This is great as a brainstorm, but you need to dig deeper to be able to reach your audience in a way that wont make them roll their eyes. I have read A LOT of amateur poetry, and this form of writing is very common, but that doesn't mean there isn't potential in where you can take this piece. You do have potential, and if you really want to be a poet you need to take failure in stride. Simply fail better, that is all we can do.

[billy]

out of 11 posts 8 have been in your own threads, and 1 was a one liner in someone else thread; this is not feedback. your post count has been dropped from 11 to two. you're taking much more than you're giving. if you put up 4 poems for pieces of feedback elsewhere are required etc/mod