Slowly

[crow]

Slowl
y

My heart blooms on the waters edge where
The giant waits, him thinking I would die.
He sat to take a seat, and so did I.
Watched timid roosters knitting anxious sweaters
with a hundred vees upon the bared
June soil between blue-leafed tobacco isles
scratching loose a wormy thread, sky
lost, looming heavenly, cursed, dreadful . . .

In the night, the roots are visible,
wet. Shining in my match-lit pipe, Dorado
in a thimble smokes. The rain pools
around my heels, and sorrow cools.
I lived in a man's house. He was; he was.
And he was here, today. Now, here's his ghost.

AUTHOR'S NOTES
(1) I've been kicking this thing around for a month, and just wanted some first-pass feedback.
(2) My aim is to have the rhymes and rhythms work sometimes and not work others, but also sometimes to only work if you slice words and move syllables down to the start of the next line. The goal is for the poem to work when you "listen out" but not when you "listen in." For referrence, I'm trying to write a poem that works like this: http://www.radiolab.org/story/313542-dawn-midi/
(3) This poem isn't ready to post, but I wanted some light feedback.
(4) The effect I'm looking for is best captured in "thread, sky / lost, looming" the way it can be read as "thread, SKY / lost, LOOMing".

--thanks!

[poe]

I haven't read the poem that influenced you here yet. Just wanted to say. Already much nice imagery. Loved,.."..The rain pools around my heels, and sorrow cools.." Also the jacked rhythm so to speak is working well. I'll read your link now.

[ellajam]

Hi. I didn't check the link, the poem stands well on its own.

First, slowly, For me the white space would slow me down, the dropped y just felt pretentious, unless you're asking Why?, which I don't get. I think the lines starting with Watched though dreadful work beautifully, interesting description, visual and mood. The last line didn't add anything for me.

I hope this helps some, looking forward to see where you go with this.

Slowl
y

My heart blooms on the waters edge where
The giant waits, him thinking I would die.
He sat to take a seat, and so did I.
Watched timid roosters knitting anxious sweaters
with a hundred vees upon the bared
June soil between blue-leafed tobacco isles
scratching loose a wormy thread, sky
lost, looming heavenly, cursed, dreadful . . .

In the night, the roots are visible,
wet. Shining in my match-lit pipe, Dorado
in a thimble smokes. The rain pools
around my heels, and sorrow cools.
I lived in a man's house. He was; he was.
And he was here, today. Now, here's his ghost.

AUTHOR'S NOTES
(1) I've been kicking this thing around for a month, and just wanted some first-pass feedback.
(2) My aim is to have the rhymes and rhythms work sometimes and not work others, but also sometimes to only work if you slice words and move syllables down to the start of the next line. The goal is for the poem to work when you "listen out" but not when you "listen in." For referrence, I'm trying to write a poem that works like this: http://www.radiolab.org/story/313542-dawn-midi/
(3) This poem isn't ready to post, but I wanted some light feedback.
(4) The effect I'm looking for is best captured in "thread, sky / lost, looming" the way it can be read as "thread, SKY / lost, LOOMing".

--thanks!

[ChristopherSea]

Crow, You could draw out 'slowly' better. Perhaps, either:

slow-
ly

-or-

s
l
o
w
l
y

-or-


Slow--


ly

I am not sure.

I believe the list of adjectives, 'wormy thread, sky lost, looming heavenly, cursed, dreadful' in the closing of your first stanza are a bit much. Maybe...

'scratching loose a wormy thread,
sky lost and looming.'

...would fare better, emphasizing both mood and the alliteration.

I was a bit befuddled by the 'was, was, was here' line in stanza two. See what you think.

That's all for now./Chris

[Pink_Bunny]

Watched timid roosters knitting anxious sweaters

Off the strength of that line alone I have to say that it felt overwhelmingly as though you were describing a lucid dream. Maybe you were, maybe you weren't, but I liked the way you made me envision these things taking place. You mentioned in your author's notes that you were trying to rhyme sometimes and other times not. Rhyming isn't always necessary but it certainly makes for a little more bounce on the trampoline. Anyways, you make precious feel like a million pretzels.

Kisses!

[billy]

it's felt off with a period after wet.
this is one of those instances where line spacing would help out

In the night, the roots are visible,
wet
Shining in my match-lit pipe, Dorado
the same could be done with sky and perhaps elsewhere in order to tweak the enjambment.