Compensations

[rowens]

                                         Compensations


I think it's nice how the wind is blowing,
like something out of a movie,
almost like something out of a book.

Something old
and real—from being real a long time,
like grandparents' ghosts and ouija boards before Parker Brothers bought it.

The wind at night, especially on an especially dark night,
is like dead people alive:
I don't know why that is;

if I had to think about it
it probably wouldn't feel that way anymore.
But, then again, if I think about it I might feel it even more.

I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
and I don't remember anything about the weather or anything.
But I saw a movie where the wind blew,

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie,
I felt more reassured than scared.

[billy]

hi rowens, i think you trim just a few words off the poem while still keeping the narrative intact. [i think] in the first line weakens it. the third line could be shortened but i like it as a comparison to the 2nd line. normally i don't care for repetition but in this poem it works, i see a sense of naivety (no i don't why that is) it has a tim burton type of feel to it.

                                         Compensations


I think it's nice how the wind is blowing,
like something out of a movie,
almost like something out of a book.

Something old
and real—from being real a long time,
like grandparents' ghosts and ouija boards before Parker Brothers bought it. should it be Ouija

The wind at night, especially on an especially dark night, i like the language here, it feels wondrous, as though said by a child.
is like dead people alive: while it sounds good what does it mean; zombies?
I don't know why that is;

if I had to think about it
it probably wouldn't feel that way anymore.
But, then again, if I think about it I might feel it even more. this stanza feels a bit redundant.

I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
and I don't remember anything about the weather or anything. would it add something extra without the [I]?
But I saw a movie where the wind blew,

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie,
I felt more reassured than scared.

[spacecoaster]

First I would suggest just a slightly larger font. I had a hard time understanding the poem on the first read. However on subsequent reads I enjoyed it. It is interesting how you are romanticizing these memories.




Compensations


I think it's nice how the wind is blowing,
like something out of a movie,
almost like something out of a book.

Something old
and real—from being real a long time,
like grandparents' ghosts and ouija boards before Parker Brothers bought it.

The wind at night, especially on an especially dark night, I don't like the repetition of the word especially maybe dank?
is like dead people alive:
I don't know why that is;

if I had to think about it
it probably wouldn't feel that way anymore.
But, then again, if I think about it I might feel it even more.

I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
and I don't remember anything about the weather or anything. I would remove "or anything" it seem unnecessary
But I saw a movie where the wind blew,

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie,
I felt more reassured than scared.

[lateralus]

You should definately use a larger font, because it's really annoying to barely be able to read it. The way you repeated "anything" and "especially" did not seem necessary. Otherwise I thought it was really nice!

[rowens]

Sometimes I write straight onto the site, sometimes I copy and paste things. Now when I copy and paste things the font changes itself. As for the poem, I can't argue with the critiques and I don't intend to. I wanted to make a passing decent poem with awkward parts in it. I only ask why the awkward parts are necessarily unnecessary.

[just mercedes]

I like the way you sidle into the main message in your poem - the subject of death is not easy to talk about, especially for a thirteen-year-old. I like the imagery connecting wind and death too. I see your point about awkward parts - death can really be awkward. Not sure you've nailed this yet, though.

[rowens]

I'm working my way to better poems through lesser poems like this one. It's kind of like human sacrifice, only it's poems.

[SimikPK]

I think it's nice how the wind is blowing,
like something out of a movie,
almost like something out of a book. < Nice child/teen language style. Reminds me of my American freinds who always say "like", like the reported speech did not exist. The stanza conveys a specific image, that is good. Another good point is that the wind is somewhat unusually likened to movie/book, which sounds strange but not unnatural and therefore raises expectations and intrigues the reader, making them read further.

Something old
and real—from being real a long time,
like grandparents' ghosts and ouija boards before Parker Brothers bought it. < boards is plural, bought IT singualr. Intention? Also, first two lines again suggest the same image of the speaker as the previous stanza, but the third line here does not match the characteristic for me. Would a teen/child be interested relationships between toy/games manufacturers and the consequences thereof? I mean, the third line here is like some older guy sharing memories of his childhood sayng "Those were the days, when the true toys were made, and not like now, when big capitalistic concerns do it just for business, making the games lack the good-old-days flavor." I know this is only marginal to the meaning of the poem, I overemphasized to make my point.

The wind at night, especially on an especially dark night,
is like dead people alive
I don't know why that is; < Realy nice gradation from "something" through "ghsots and Ouija board" to "dead people alive", from abstract to more and more concrete. Thumbs up. Language well maintained in this stanza, too. The third line sound little empty to me, though, compared with all the previous ones. The snese of uncertainity and vagueness is already well established in the poem.

if I had to think about it
it probably wouldn't feel that way anymore. < nice contrast between think and feel. One negating other. Wouldn't "if I had to think why that is" work? It would be more compact and leave space for adding something to the third line of the previous stanza.
But, then again, if I think about it I might feel it even more.

I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
and I don't remember anything about the weather or anything.
But I saw a movie where the wind blew, < Would teen say thirteen years old, or just thirteen? Or do you suggest him changing his speech with the arrival at this serious matter? If so, why not make it so serious in the last two lines of this stanza as well? The aforementioned gradation escalates well. The framing with the wind also works well and the unifinishedness of the last line of this stanza sets up perfectly for the conclusion/the point you are about to drive home in the last stanza.

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie, < Great that you inserted the Ouije before, horror movie does not appear alien in the poem because of it, but fits well with the established context.
I felt more reassured than scared. < Nice that the speaker does not deny being scared to a certain extent. The speaker coming to terms with the death is a nice point, and nicely made here, being suggested in the very beginning, extended throughout and than more-less explicitely stated.

It is obvious that the poem is not mindless and that is was thought about and worked on. The gradation, process of revealing and characterizing the speaker's associations, thoughts and feelings works well.

[rowens]

It isn't called Consolations, it's Compensations, so everything in the poem is pretty cheap. The speaker is one of those people, he isn't thirteen but was not so long ago, that feels old things are more real and more spiritual and more true. Books are more real and true than movies, generic witches, ghosts, ouija boards are more authentic than ones sold through household names. The speaker isn't thirteen but was. And one of the lines could as well have went: New and old--from being new a long time. But I'm glad people are interested enough to take the time to read and consider things. Even when it's cheap.

[SimikPK]

It isn't called Consolations, it's Compensations, so everything in the poem is pretty cheap. The speaker is one of those people, he isn't thirteen but was not so long ago, that feels old things are more real and more spiritual and more true. Books are more real and true than movies, generic witches, ghosts, ouija boards are more authentic than ones sold through household names. The speaker isn't thirteen but was. And one of the lines could as well have went: New and old--from being new a long time. But I'm glad people are interested enough to take the time to read and consider things. Even when it's cheap.

Well, maybe its just me then, but the point that older things are more real than the new ones doesnt seem so apparent, since you end with a horror MOVIE which gives the speaker the most satisfaction - if I get this correctly. And wouldn´t call the poem cheap , but if you think so, I concede - I still believe the writer is the author, not the reader.

[rowens]

Well, horror movies is all he's got. That's what I think, not the reader, let alone the speaker. I was drunk when I wrote it and can't recall everything. So your critiques and opinions are as valid, more valid, than mine.

[SimikPK]

I'm working my way to better poems through lesser poems like this one. It's kind of like human sacrifice, only it's poems.

Does being drunk help you work your way up better? I have heard both, that alcohol and co. do and dont help the "creative genius", so, what is your stance in this?

[rowens]

It depends on the person and the situation. When I'm not drinking I suffer from severe learning disabilities and if you met me you'd probably think I was mentally retarded.
But that's not a healthy opinion, so just forget I said it. I'm not a professional nor an expert on anything.
So whatever I say about a poem might be as foolish as the poem itself. So just trust your opinion. Make that your standard.

[SimikPK]

Thanx, but isn´t this site all about trusting other peoples´s opinions?

[billy]

yes it is.

lets just discuss the poem please, you two do have the making of a good discussion so feel free to carry on in the poetry discussion section :J:

[SimikPK]

Um, well, the only thing I can say is that a few lines state things so easily. Maybe you could make it a bit more subtle

Hello and welcome. Before the moderators catch you, I should warn you that this is not valid feedback. It is not specific. Which lines state which things so easily? Imagine you were given such feedback to your poem. Would you be any wiser? We try here to help each othe improve, so please, try saying things in a helpful way, and, lastly, have a nice day.

[superfluid]

                                         Compensations


I think it's nice how the wind is blowing,
like something out of a movie,
almost like something out of a book.

Something old
and real—from being real a long time,
like grandparents' ghosts and ouija boards before Parker Brothers bought it.

The wind at night, especially on an especially dark night,
is like dead people alive:
I don't know why that is;

if I had to think about it
it probably wouldn't feel that way anymore.
But, then again, if I think about it I might feel it even more.

I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
and I don't remember anything about the weather or anything.
But I saw a movie where the wind blew,

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie,
I felt more reassured than scared.

I like the positioning here. I get the feeling this is written from the perspective of a youngster, although I might suggest building on that a bit. The line about being 13 when the narrator saw their first death, for example. It would be more impactful for me if there was more ambiguity in the potential age of the narrator.

The other thing I might suggest it to play with pauses in your phrasing. For example:

Original:
I think it's nice how the wind is blowing.

Could alternatively be:
I think it's nice. How the wind is blowing.

For me this gives a chance to indicate to the reader that there is something more to think about in the line.

That phase also seems to tie into the later phrase "But I saw a movie where the wind blew" and the other references to wind, but I am not exactly sure about the connection here. I think you are playing with the different feelings wind can lead into, but this could be built on I think.

[SimikPK]

Original:
I think it's nice how the wind is blowing.

Could alternatively be:
I think it's nice.  How the wind is blowing.

I think he wanted to just emphasize the wind blowing. Putting a fullstop in the middle of the verse slows the rhythm down and emphasizes "nice", which, for the purposes of the poem, seems useless.

[sharpietheysay]

                                         Compensations
I think it's nice how the wind is blowing,
like something out of a movie,
almost like something out of a book.
Something old
and real—from being real a long time,
like grandparents' ghosts and ouija boards before Parker Brothers bought it.
The wind at night, especially on an especially dark night,
is like dead people alive:
I don't know why that is;
if I had to think about it
it probably wouldn't feel that way anymore.
But, then again, if I think about it I might feel it even more.
I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
and I don't remember anything about the weather or anything. <--the double "anything" is bothersome. Maybe you could omit the "or anything" altogether? It doesn't exactly add much to the line, and so removing it wouldn't be taking anything away from it, especially since having rhyme isn't a factor here.
But I saw a movie where the wind blew,

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie,
I felt more reassured than scared.

I really really enjoyed the stream of consciousness element to your poem, the dark subject matter, and the fact that it's a poem that doesn't rhyme. Poems don't have to rhyme to be poems. As you can see, I had little bad to say or "critiquing" to give; you did a wonderful job with this one!

[rowens]

I was only thirteen years old the first time I saw someone die,
I don't remember anything about the weather.
But I saw a movie where the wind blew,

and the dead returned at night.
And even though it was a horror movie,
I felt more reassured than scared.


There's a space there that needs to be filled.

and I don't remember anything about the weather.
But I saw a movie where the wind blew

Is missing something in space itself. It's the empty repetition that mars the poem and is what it's about, if anything.