The Goldfish (edit 2)

[tomoffing]

Edit 2
The Goldfish

I’ve watched from the armchair opposite
and pitied him, drifting, 
buffeted by currents of his own
unknown making,
occasionally tail-flicking into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles his immutable liquid present,
but mostly staring 
through a dim ochre upside-down
shadow of himself
at a refracted, convex,
never-expanding universe.

Then one day I bumped the bowl 
and it rolled cracked and splashed
and my life flashed
in his darkening eye
as he lay
gasping
immersed in overwhelming clarity.

I saved him with a swift scoop
and a teacup drowning,
and now returned to another 
cold clouded cyclical inescapable bowl
I see him sometimes, watching me
pitifully.



Edit 1 (thanks bena, brown & esp Dale)

I watch him pitifully,
sometimes drifting
on eddies of his own
unknown making;
as flotsam jettisoned
from a child's voyage
of life and death discovery.

Occasionally, he tail-flicks
into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles him, unaware
to the immutable aqueous present.

Mostly, he stares reflective
out into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
through a dim ochre
upside-down
shadow of himself.

Once, he was rolled
by my unwitting hand,
and blind-sided, exposed,
he flapped agape and tapering,
gasping at overwhelming clarity;

But I scooped and saved him
by teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced him
back into the cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl.

Now he watches me,
mercilessly.

[Brownlie]

This is not bad, though a goldfish is incapable of human speech. Just being facetious with you though.

Sometimes, I'd drift
on eddies of my own
unknown making; flotsam
from a child's journey
of life and death discovery. -- The way it's written, I read death discovery as one phrase which seems to be an important moment of epiphany in a child's life.
Jettisoned.

Sometimes, I'd tail-flick
into the perpetual pipeline
that returns me unaware
to my immutable aqueous present.
Recycled.

Mostly I stared out
into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
through a dim ochre
upside-down shadow of myself.
Reflective.

Once, I was rolled
by a seismic concussion.
Blindsided, agape,
flapping, tapering, gasping
at overwhelming clarity.
Exposed.

But I was scooped and saved -- Maybe a comma after But. There is also that old maxim that you should never start a sentence with but that you may want to consider.
by a teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced
back into my cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl;
Irreversible. -- I'm not sure irreversible can stand alone as an independent article.

To me, I see a goldfish in a bowl as a piece of furniture in someone's house. Perhaps when I owned one I formed a small attachment to it as a pet, but I didn't think much about it. However, from the viewpoint of the fish an incidence of knocking its bowl would be quite dramatic!

[Erthona]

In this extended metaphor you anthropomorphize a "Goldfish", but for the metaphor to work it has to be goldfish things that represent human things. You cannot write such things as "from a child's journey of life and death discovery", because the speaker is a goldfish and not a child.
I think the first three stanzas would work better if written in present tense, as it would give it more of a sense of immediacy.

Overall the metaphor fails for two reasons, it does not follow an apprehensible chronology, and it goes beyond what a goldfish is. I do think it is a worthy idea, and should be pursued.

Dale

[tomoffing]

In this extended metaphor you anthropomorphize a "Goldfish", but for the metaphor to work it has to be goldfish things that represent human things. You cannot write such things as "from a child's journey of life and death discovery", because the speaker is a goldfish and not a child.
I think the first three stanzas would work better if written in present tense, as it would give it more of a sense of immediacy.

Overall the metaphor fails for two reasons, it does not follow an apprehensible chronology, and it goes beyond what a goldfish is. I do think it is a worthy idea, and should be pursued.

Dale

Thanks for the crit as always Dale.

Good call on the first 3 stanzas. The first draft of this was in the present and I will revert to that and resolve the chronology.

Re the human versus goldfish attributes, is the problem here with the specific example you mentioned (line 3 & 4) or the fact that I'm giving the goldfish a human voice throughout?
In those lines, the goldfish is referring to itself as flotsam from a child's journey, not as a child itself.
Does this simply lack clarity or am I missing something wider, ie that a goldfish could not understand said journey and therefore the metaphor fails?

Thanks again, t

---

This is not bad, though a goldfish is incapable of human speech. Just being facetious with you though.

Sometimes, I'd drift
on eddies of my own
unknown making; flotsam
from a child's journey
of life and death discovery. -- The way it's written, I read death discovery as one phrase which seems to be an important moment of epiphany in a child's life.
Jettisoned.

Sometimes, I'd tail-flick
into the perpetual pipeline
that returns me unaware
to my immutable aqueous present.
Recycled.

Mostly I stared out
into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
through a dim ochre
upside-down shadow of myself.
Reflective.

Once, I was rolled
by a seismic concussion.
Blindsided, agape,
flapping, tapering, gasping
at overwhelming clarity.
Exposed.

But I was scooped and saved -- Maybe a comma after But. There is also that old maxim that you should never start a sentence with but that you may want to consider.
by a teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced
back into my cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl;
Irreversible. -- I'm not sure irreversible can stand alone as an independent article.

To me, I see a goldfish in a bowl as a piece of furniture in someone's house. Perhaps when I owned one I formed a small attachment to it as a pet, but I didn't think much about it. However, from the viewpoint of the fish an incidence of knocking its bowl would be quite dramatic!

Thanks brownie,
Noted and agreed on "but", originally stanzas 4 & 5 ran into one another. I'll work to remove that.
And also agreed on irreversible. I was unhappy with this but left in for consistency of structure. It adds nothing really so I think I'll omit it.

Thanks a lot, t

[Erthona]

Tom,

"the fact that I'm giving the goldfish a human voice throughout?"
"ie that a goldfish could not understand said journey and therefore the metaphor fails?"

Yes and yes, the narrator cannot be the goldfish, as it lacks the ability to contemplate. I assume (and I may have assumed incorrectly) you are trying to use the life/fate of the fish as an example of human life, or to comment on human life.
I think you nailed it more clearly than I could. Yes, the problem is in the voice. You can note attributes that humans and goldfish have in common, such as in a satiric way, comparing humans to fish that spawn then die, but the fish does not have the attribute of a voice, it does not think, it does not contemplate. In the metaphor you are examining humans in the attributes of the fish. Once you give the fish a voice, it basically becomes a human, and thus the metaphor is lost. It ceases to be metaphorical and becomes fantastical. That works well in satires like animal farm, as it helps get below the mental defenses of a person, because he does not at first see himself as an animal. I can use a tree to point out the attributes of a human. I can say he bends, but does not break, has leafy hair, his arms are long and skinny like branches, but if that is the way I am using the tree, I cannot have it begin speaking, or commenting about its environment.

Maybe that answered your question, and makes some sense. I'm a bit rushed at the moment. So please forgive the randomness that creeps in.


Dale

[tomoffing]

"So please forgive the randomness that creeps in"
Only if you'll grant the same pardon to my doggerel!

Thanks a million for the guidance. I'll rework this in consideration thereof.

[bena]

For me it is hard to relate to a goldfish contemplating its own fate...poor things have a brain so tiny their memory is only 6 seconds...kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo. I suppose the piece works on some levels...it could be a metaphor for man. I would hyphenate "blind-sided" or make it two words. It is a bit vague, but introspective. I think you can rework to improve it, as you've said.

Just my two cents, which is worth nothing.


bena/mel

[tomoffing]

thanks all, edited for improvement (hopefully!)

[kliS]

Hey, I enjoyed this so I'll jump straight to what I don't like.

You have set up some kind of convention within the poem as in:

"Occasionally, he..."
"Mostly, he..."
"Once, he..."

Generally I'm of the persuasion that if you're going to give a structure of sorts to a piece you better stick to it, use it to specific effect, or break it for specific effect. As it is, it really ruins the pacing for me because it's kind of hearing some kind of story, or more accurately, reading an instruction on how to set up 3g mobile with this new network, first, you send a text and get a link to install the date settings, then if it doesn't work you go to network settings, after which, you enter the port number and whatever you get the point. I feel like if you're going to set up 3 stanzas beginning like that but don't in the next, you better break the trend in style, and I think some interesting us of line breaking could've been enough.

In fact all you need is kind of there. "scooped and saved him by teacup drowning" is actually a line I quite liked. I think if you want to leave that line untouched another way is to pace up the 3 stanzas, have it get more intense or in depth or whatever stanza by stanza (stronger (or more passive? probably the former) imagery as stanzas go by, or shorter (or longer more breathless pauseless sentences) until it's broken by the fifth stanza. I think that'd actually do really well because it paces your piece in a way that keeps the reader's attention quite well. You have all the ingredients of a good poem but it does read a bit slowly and you could use this to good effect and make it so the fifth stanza as a kind of climax or like the ninth line of a sonnet, then end it all with the final stanza and giving the most impact.

I feel like basically you could play more with alternating the pacing and so on, use more linebreaks and also allowing more run on sentences for that effect. I would consider that the weakness of your poem, as I think the imagery and to the point. I'd also just nix the whole ending each stanza with a word thing, it doesn't really do anything for me, I mean it's almost natural for humans to seek structure for the sake of itself but I honestly think it's just distracting here. Of course I'm biased, I like free form poetry but there's my opinion.

Oh I also think the listing you did on the fourth stanza struck me as a bit meh, but I enough of it saved it for me. Like half of those words were strong, the other half not. I think you can figure which ones I mean by yourself, but exposure, clarity, gasping, all good, the rest aren't really things I can really grok.

Oh yeah I'm not even 100% sure changing from first person to third person (from that of a fish) is necessarily better, I kind of liked it that way. Like come, it's a metaphor. I think we have the capacity to imagine a person as an animal, we have enough disney films for that. STOP PRETENDING NEMO DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Also I don't like "flotsam jettisoned" it feels a bit forced and removed. The rest of the poem is quite organic.

Hope this helped.

edit: I'd definitely not hyphenate blind-sided either

[Truerenigma]

Hi tommoffing, another great piece from you. It looks like you've already got a lot of feedback but I'm going to just jump in anyway. I haven't read any of it yet so please excuse if anything is repeated. There won't be a whole lot of comments as I am pretty fond of most of it as is.

I watch him pitifully,
sometimes drifting
on eddies of his own
unknown making;
as flotsam jettisoned
from a child's voyage
of life and death discovery.

I think of life and death discovery could be replaced with an image that shows something about life and death in juxtaposition, or this specific journey.

Occasionally, he tail-flicks
into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles him, unaware
to the immutable aqueous present.

You want either of in the last line, or a comma after unaware.

Mostly, he stares reflective
out into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
through a dim ochre
upside-down
shadow of himself.

The shadow image is nice here.

Once, he was rolled
by my unwitting hand,
and blind-sided, exposed,
he flapped agape and tapering,
gasping at overwhelming clarity;

I like the form your going with here; I wonder if you have considered a single sentence for the whole poem?

But I scooped and saved him
by teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced him
back into the cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl.

Semi-colon or dash after drowning.

Now he watches me,
mercilessly.

I'm not sure if mercilessly is the best word here.

I think it would be a good experiment during revision to try simplifying some of the grammar and avoid some of the listing and participles and run the whole thing on, using conjunctions and preps to give you a little rhythm at the start of each stanza, it would work quite well with the form you are using:

and occasionally . . .

but mostly . . .


Try it out and see what you think next time you are fiddling with it.

Thanks for posting.

[Erthona]

tomoffing,

Your edit is much better, but as TE points out there are still some improvements to be had. Two of the things that really stuck out at me that TE mentions is the comma after aware, and the use of the word mercilessly. Why would he stare "mercilessly" at you.

Dale

[crow]

Goldfish
--I'm expecting a pet, a Chinese carp granting wishes, an idea of something precious, and possibly something like bait

I watch him pitifully,
--I like seeing the word "watch," and it steers me toward treasure/preciousness
--to be clear, pitifully is the way in which "I" watches

sometimes drifting
--I like the line break at "drifting." You could have a better effect if it were on its own, one-word line

on eddies of his own
unknown making;
--lost me. An eddie is a feature of flowing water, a back channel that causes a whirlpool that holds flotsam. Here, you seem to be describing propulsion merely, and not a whirlpool. If there's no holds-things-still eddie, kill the word

as flotsam jettisoned
--hahaha! I should've kept reading! I used the word flotsam before I saw it here lol
--perhaps disregard ny earlier note, perhaps not

from a child's voyage
of life and death discovery.
--Question for you: is there no typo here?

Occasionally, he tail-flicks
into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles him, unaware[,]
to the immutable aqueous present.
--too many big words
----contrast,
that absently cycles him back
to the fire, quietly, inscrutably
-------that previous line makes no sense, but feels more immediate
----compare,
that radiant effluent phosphorescence
that discards the umbraged countenance of friable matter
------the sense of that line is just "bare dirt lies where there are constant shadows," but there's nothing immediate in it

Mostly, he stares[,] reflective[,]
--reflectively?

out into the refracted, convex,
ever-expanding universe
--"ever" seems irrelevant; cut it
--"out into" is redundant. Cut "out"
--the universe is not refracted; cut "refracted"
--"convex" is assumption; the shape of the universe is unknown; cut "convex"
--this whole line seems sophic; consider cutting it

through [his own] dim[,] ochre[,]
upside-down
shadow [cut: of himself].
--all shadows are upside down. Cut "upside down"

Once, he was rolled
by my unwitting hand,
--huh?
--is "hand" a metonym? If so, prefer
----"I rolled him"

and[,] blind-sided, exposed,
--without the above comma, blind-sided is a verb

he flapped[,] agape and tapering,
gasping at overwhelming clarity;
--huh ?

But I scooped and saved him
by teacup drowning,
sieved, flipped and sluiced him
back into the cold clouded cyclical
inescapable bowl.

Now he watches me,
mercilessly.

Original
Sometimes, I'd drift

---

The last two stanzas are utterly confusing

---

/confused

---

dad-gummit--the title should've clued me into forgetfulness, plastic castles, and being imprisoned

[tomoffing]

another attempt at this one. thanks for thoughts thus far and anything further appreciated. t

[billy]

a good solid edit still needs a little bit of work but good so far

Edit 2
The Goldfish

I’ve watched from the armchair opposite
and pitied him, drifting, 
buffeted by currents of his own
unknown making, unknown sound bit too zen for me, it's a fish, not a Buddhist monk though i suppose that would be real zen
occasionally tail-flicking into the perpetual pipeline
that recycles his immutable liquid present, the last three words feel odd, i know what they mean but i just feels over the top
but mostly staring 
through a dim ochre upside-down
shadow of himself
at a refracted, convex,
never-expanding universe. i like the photographic image in the four/five line of this stanza.

Then one day I bumped the bowl is then needed?
and it rolled cracked and splashed a comma is needed in this line.
and my life flashed no need for [and] i do like the expectation of life flash before my eyes and it isn't ther n the next line
in his darkening eye
as he lay
gasping
immersed in overwhelming clarity. feels too much [it's hard for me to imagine what you mean]

I saved him with a swift scoop
and a teacup drowning, don't fish drown in air? [metaphorically speaking]
and now returned to another can something else be used instead of and or just edited out?
cold clouded cyclical inescapable bowl
I see him sometimes, watching me for me this is best line of the poem and where the poem should end. ending here leaves the poem open ended,
pitifully.