August

[bwasroy]

I got really good notes here last month on this one. I've done some further revisions and the poem now looks like this:

August – 5th Draft

Say goodbye,
driving home under the moon,
remembering her cold hands.

She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.

Say goodbye, listening to radio static
and swallowing pills until you fall
onto pillows like a body stumbles from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.
Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

Goodbye. She said,  Write if you can,
and don’t worry about the night,
the night was always too dark for me.

[Tamara]

I enjoyed the poem. There are some nice images and it has good pace and movement. But there are too many goodbyes in the poem which is distracting and does nothing to help the poem. maybe you could trim them down. I guess one goodbye at the beginning or the end might make it more effective. And somehow the 'she said' also does not work too well. maybe a comma instead of a colon will soften it rather than making it read like a statement.

something like:


Driving home under the moon,
remembering her cold hands.
She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.

Listening to radio static
and swallowing pills until you fall
onto pillows .

Goodbye, broken glass,
hand towels and carving knife.

She said,  Write if you can,
and don’t worry about the night,
the night was always too dark for me.

Goodbye.

[RSaba]

I like this a lot. It's simple and effective. I hope these small notes help and make sense.

August – 5th Draft

Say goodbye,
driving home under the moon, maybe an adjective for the moon, either to contrast or support her "cold hands."
remembering her cold hands.

She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.

Say goodbye, listening to radio static
and swallowing pills until you fall
onto pillows like a body stumbles from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.
Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

Goodbye. She said,  colon, not comma, as you did in the second stanzaWrite if you can,
and don’t worry about the night,
the night was always too dark for me.

[just mercedes]

I like the way your edit has tightened your poem. For me the use of driving, listening, remembering, swallowing, give a sing-song rhythm to the poem that puts me off a bit. These are moments when action happens, and you want your reader's attention to focus here, not be lulled to sleep. I do like the way the repetition of night in the final stanza hooks your poem back around to the start again. Simple images that convey a lot more than they say. Well done!

[bwasroy]

JM, 

I thought about your note on the sing song quality over the weekend. I think you're right so I've done another edit of the poem removing all but two instances of the "ing" sounds. 


August – 6[sup]th[/sup] Draft

Say goodbye as you 

drive home under the moon,
and remember her cold hands.
 
She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.

Say goodbye as you
listen to radio static,
and swallow pills
until you fall onto pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.
Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

She said:  Write if you can,
and don’t worry about the night, 
the night was always too dark for me.