Tryst

[Tamara]

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side;
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath.

[Tiger the Lion]

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side;period?
raindrops swelled and rolled This line feels like it should be a new sentence.
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath. I would consider breaking up this line after monsoon

Hi Tamara. I like the feel of this one. The few notes above are mostly personal taste. Thanks for sharing. -Paul

[Tamara]

thank you paul.

yes, i guess it would read better ending country side with a period and starting a new sentence. i was also thinking on those lines after posting. but i am not sure about breaking it after monsoon though i have posted it like that here.

thank you ohaces. i changed it to cottage. yes, it definitely read better.

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his cottage in the country side.
Raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon
and his warm breath.

[Todd]

Hi Tamara,

Some comments for you on your most recent version:

L1 is a bit weak. It's just making a statement. I also am not a fan of the title--not enough to draw us in. Maybe The Slag's Tryst or go Canterbury Tales on us--The Slag's Tale

I also don't know about the omnipresent speaker. Perhaps shift to the woman's perspective. Would she then self identify as a slag? That's why moving the term to the title may help as the reader is aware of something the speaker may not see. Does that make sense?

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror--so slag could become she. I'd still like something more figurative here to make the line more interesting.
at his cottage in the country side.
Raindrops swelled and rolled--is there one word that can replace swelled and rolled?
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder--I like the implied connection with the wilted flowers. Mud and muddied probably needs more variety.
of the monsoon
and his warm breath.--I like this. I'd be tempted to blend the construction a bit. Maybe, "from the monsoon of his warm breath"

Just thoughts. I hope some of this will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Tamara]

I like the suggestion of the title and starting the poem with 'she'.

still thinking of an apt word to replace 'swelled and rolled'

i like how you bent the last line.

The Slag's Tryst

She adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his cottage in the country side.
Raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
from the monsoon of his warm breath.

[cjchaffin]

i like how the edit is shaping up. 
and i actually enjoy the "raindrops swelled and rolled" line, 
in my mind it creates a very solid image. i have a couple of suggestions:

The Slag's Tryst

She adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his cottage in the country side. <--countryside, one word
Raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder <--i don't like "muddied" here. maybe a different descriptor? something like "sullied" or similar? and "remainder" feels too technical here as well, maybe "remnant" or something similar..."muddied remainder" just feels awkward to me when i read it aloud
from the monsoon of his warm breath. <--great closing line

[Brownlie]

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side; -- I'm speaking out my ass here, but you may want to reconsider linking consecutive prepositions.
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers  -- You could maybe go into depth about what type of wildflowers, though the word "wild" seems important here.
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath. -- Warm breath is the most salient detail.

Well, the poem feels dated, but that may have been your point. I don't know if anyone wears a bodice anymore. So, I'm not sure how new this poem is because you could probably find some very similar poems written a few hundred years ago. However,  this poem has some good language and metaphor (in my opinion).

[Tamara]

The Slag's Tryst (edit #3) /thanks chris, paul, todd, ohaces, brownlie for the comments and critiques

She adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his cottage in the countryside.
Raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a tainted remnant
from the monsoon of his warm breath.

[billy]

i think you could flesh the poem out a little more just to give it a bit more depth. thanks for the read.

you only need to highlight the block of writing to change the format

tryst seems very obvious and could do with something that shows us more than the poem does in the way it adds to the thing

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror i'd suggest moving [in the mirror] to the next line in order to make the first line draw the reader in, we like to read about slags but not one's in front of mirrors. ending on slags leaves it open ended. you could consider losing [in the mirror] altogether and allow the reader to use their own imagination you could perhaps use a simile to show how she adjusted the bodice
at his holiday home in the country side;
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers i'd suggest losing the period and uncapping the [A] and let the imagination see more than the obvious
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath.

[Tamara]

The slag adjusted her bodice
at his cottage in the countryside.
Raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall a clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a tainted remnant
from the monsoon of his warm breath.

works well. good idea to remove 'in front of the mirror'. now have to think of a new title. blah, i am not good at it.

Thank you, Billy.

[coolfunboy]

I really enjoy the general theme of dirtiness and decay running throughout this poem, especially in the last 3 lines. I think it concludes exactly how it should (I love the last line) but I feel like you could embellish the rest of the poem a little bit. Perhaps a couple lines that further the atmosphere you create, after the second line? Overall though, I really enjoy it!

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side;
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath.

[sharpietheysay]

All issues concerning mechanics and possible word substitutions aside, it's the way the poem is shaped, the rhythm of it, that bothers me a little. Words that should be sticking together are being broken up by line breaks, and I don't understand why if not for the sake of rhyme. Maybe consider reconstructing the poem to be:
The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side; <--this line and the following line are not closely related, therefore the semicolon is not needed. A period maybe?
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall.
A clump of wildflowers wilted,
And left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath.

OR:
And left behind a muddied remainder of the monsoon
And his warm breath if you want that emphasis to be put on "his warm breath"

Overall I liked your piece a lot; poems that convey intimate relations without explicitly detailing them are always enjoyable! Good work, you.

[SimikPK]

Guys, you're commenting on the old version, we already have a newer one.

The slag adjusted her bodice Now, without the mirror, it really creates more anticipation. Having mirror suggested that she was alone and already reflecting. It is better now that we figure it out at the end. 
at his cottage in the countryside.
Raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall a clump of wildflowers
wilted, and left behind a tainted remnant
from the monsoon of his warm breath. Yes, monsoon suggests a longer time. It raises good questions. Is she slag because of what eventually happened? Or has she been all the timie? Did he expect something different at the beginning or later on? Whose decision it actually was to end it? Having slag in the beginnig and monsoon at the end make a good, open framework.

[azure]

The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror A slight issue with the use of the word slag. Seems out of place with its use here.
at his holiday home in the country side;
raindrops swelled and rolled I liked the simplistic, yet effective use of concise descriptive language.
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers good enjambment here, I think you should replace the word 'clump', for it does nothing to the image of wildflowers wilting.
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath. Solid enough ending.

This piece was solid, albeit a little dull and commercial for my taste. I don't mean to be harsh but it read like every other poem of quality on this site and beyond. It did impact me though, more so because I was listening to music that really suited the piece while reading. Other than that, while some of the word choices were a bit off, the poem's validity of expression was a sealed deal for me. Looking forward to more from you.

Azure

[paranoid marvin]

Nice. A couple of minor adjustments I would suggest

Raindrops swelled and rolled

Raindrops clustered, rolling?

down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers

Not sure that you would have a wall made of mud? Wattled wall? perhaps? Also would fix having 'mud wall' in this line and 'muddied reminder' in the next.

Personal taste, but 'wild flowers' rather than 'wildflowers'?

wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder again personal taste, but 'leaving behind a muddied reminder'? The less 'ands' the better (in my opinion).

I'm still not keen on 'muddied' as a reminder, as it doesn't tie in with the fabulous last line. 'Sultry' is still dirty enough and also fits in nicely with a monsoon


of the monsoon and his warm breath

Perfect last line.