Jack in a box

[Keith]

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news.
His fingers waggled for attention,
roughly licked by a friendly tongue.

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one.

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up.

The TV was louder than a Western
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall.

[billy]

for me the downfall of the poem was the conversation. it took away my imagination and didn't allow me into the poem as much as dragged me into it. other than that it wasn't to bad

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel the first two lines gave me a solid image, and i heard the squeak.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news. i can't decide if i'd prefer and [and] to start or not
His fingers waggled for attention, is for attention needed or could the reader deduce why he waggled them?
roughly licked by a friendly tongue. i like waggled and dog anything with waggle in , goes with dog.

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword no need for [as]
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one. i'm not sure this stanza is needed, for me it destroys the poem by making it more like the split of chapters in a book

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker a suggestion would be to put [wanker] on its own line
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up. i know what's coming

The TV was louder than a Western
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall. i like the image you gave of the smoke from the fire being heavy/thick

[ellajam]

I really like this one, here are some notes.

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel Immediately puts me there, great start.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news.
His fingers waggled for attention,
roughly licked by a friendly tongue.
Maybe remembered the lick because why didn't the dog wake him up?

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.
Strong readers is great, it's the first time I get his age.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one.
Love this, is rings true and shows it wasn't even personal.

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up.
He wasn't too frail to make dinner and wash up, maybe just absent-minded.

The TV was louder than a Western Something sounds off here, maybe as loud as.
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall.

Well done, thanks for posting it, I enjoyed the read.

[Keith]

for me the downfall of the poem was the conversation. it took away my imagination and didn't allow me into the poem as much as dragged me into it. other than that it wasn't to bad

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel the first two lines gave me a solid image, and i heard the squeak.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news. i can't decide if i'd prefer and [and] to start or not
His fingers waggled for attention, is for attention needed or could the reader deduce why he waggled them?
roughly licked by a friendly tongue. i like waggled and dog anything with waggle in , goes with dog.

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword no need for [as]
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one. i'm not sure this stanza is needed, for me it destroys the poem by making it more like the split of chapters in a book

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker a suggestion would be to put [wanker] on its own line
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up. i know what's coming

The TV was louder than a Western
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall. i like the image you gave of the smoke from the fire being heavy/thick

Billy many thanks for the considered feedback, lots to think about, interesting that the cat was a dog because of the waggle and of course it is you are spot on, cats tongues are rougher than dogs and I need to make that more obvious because as ella says below 'why didn't the dog wake him up'? I wanted the conversation because it happens this way, but I understand how disruptive it is, I will have a think, Thanks Keith

[Keith]

I really like this one, here are some notes.

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel Immediately puts me there, great start.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news.
His fingers waggled for attention,
roughly licked by a friendly tongue.
Maybe remembered the lick because why didn't the dog wake him up?

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.
Strong readers is great, it's the first time I get his age.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one.
Love this, is rings true and shows it wasn't even personal.

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up.
He wasn't too frail to make dinner and wash up, maybe just absent-minded.

The TV was louder than a Western Something sounds off here, maybe as loud as.
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall.

Well done, thanks for posting it, I enjoyed the read.

Thanks Ella for the considered feedback and good catch on the 'too frail' I will change it, I also need to look at the dog because its a cat, all other comments are very helpful for the edit, cheers Keith

[azure]

Great imagery throughout this piece, the last stanza really hit hard. Like billy, I had some issues with the conversation stanza.

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel  Solid stuff. I could hear this in my mind, I felt his hand as my own.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news.
His fingers waggled for attention, Although waggled sounds nice, I think you could have used a different word. Just my opinion though.
roughly licked by a friendly tongue. Here kitty kitty. I could feel that this was part of Jack's daily ritual, which made that character more familiar and brought a sense of warmth, reliability. Great emotional appeal with clear, concise language use.

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword
slid over his belly onto the floor. Once again, solid imagery! I could hear the man snoring,and the crinkling of a newspaper.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one.  This stanza in my opinion, took away from the poem as a whole. While I understand it's importance, it just didn't compare to the excellence of previous stanzas. I do think you should keep it though, it just sounds too... archaic for my taste.

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker  Nice.
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up.

The TV was louder than a Western
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall. Nailed it. Throughout this piece, through your use of imaginary and language, I connected with 'Jack', and so the execution of this stanza was spot on.

[Keith]

Great imagery throughout this piece, the last stanza really hit hard. Like billy, I had some issues with the conversation stanza.

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel  Solid stuff. I could hear this in my mind, I felt his hand as my own.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news.
His fingers waggled for attention, Although waggled sounds nice, I think you could have used a different word. Just my opinion though.
roughly licked by a friendly tongue. Here kitty kitty. I could feel that this was part of Jack's daily ritual, which made that character more familiar and brought a sense of warmth, reliability. Great emotional appeal with clear, concise language use.

Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword
slid over his belly onto the floor. Once again, solid imagery! I could hear the man snoring,and the crinkling of a newspaper.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one.  This stanza in my opinion, took away from the poem as a whole. While I understand it's importance, it just didn't compare to the excellence of previous stanzas. I do think you should keep it though, it just sounds too... archaic for my taste.

The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker  Nice.
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up.

The TV was louder than a Western
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall. Nailed it. Throughout this piece, through your use of imaginary and language, I connected with 'Jack', and so the execution of this stanza was spot on.

Hi Azure sorry I missed your comments, better late than never to say thanks for posting I agree about waggle so I will have a think, I do plan to come back to this one, work gets in the way sometimes. Thanks Again Keith

[Keith]

The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes. (really good imagery here, setting the stage)

He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news.
His fingers waggled for attention,
roughly licked by a friendly tongue. (these last two lines seem odd)

Eyes closed behind strong readers (like was said before, good indicator of age)
as the completed crossword
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside. (seems off)

You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one. (this is a stanza that means more after you've read the poem, I love it)
The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up. (like was said, something more like "Jack forgot to pick up" would do better)

The TV was louder than a Western (maybe "louder than a train")
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call, (seems a tad disjointed)
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall. (this rhyme is weird in a sea of non-rhyming lines, but still makes sense)

This is a fantastic poem, rife with subtle hints and strong imagery, overall, 7/10

Hi Lord Thactama
You have given me plenty to think about here sorry I am so late with a thanks you, I will takes your comments into the edit. Best Keith