On the Reduction

[Truerenigma]

Synaptic firings light the eye, as on
A screen, the light behind the constant film,
Or is it lit by photons from outside;
Do we take in our love and life like trees
Set on a hill in matched eternal sway
Commanded by the wind and Earth’s own curve
Around the sun that fools us to perceive
The setting and the rising of the day?
You may be just a rainbow then, and I
A trick of your own light, illusory, —
No, though I pass like shed autumnal leaves
Right through your stream, I fall behind and find
Your shade proves your solidity. And this
The surface, then, is irreducible.

[tectak]

Synaptic firings light the eye, as on
A screen, the light behind the constant film,
Or is it lit by photons from outside;
Do we take in our love and life like trees
Set on a hill in matched eternal sway
Commanded by the wind and Earth’s own curve
Around the sun that fools us to perceive
The setting and the rising of the day?
You may be just a rainbow then, and I
A trick of your own light, illusory, —
No, though I pass like shed autumnal leaves
Right through your stream, I fall behind and find
Your shade proves your solidity. And this
The surface, then, is irreducible.

Hi true,
Please forgive me but this is so disjointed in syntax and intent that I am tempted to excuse you on the grounds that you were pissed when you posted.
Quite apart from the reversion to line capitalisation the punctuation is bizarre.
I am tempted to add a question mark? Huh? L5 maybe, but not L8.
L10.Comma dash line end?.Whaa? Wh? The rest, as I said, is indescipherable...at least, by me.
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

You are forgiven.  Thanks for the comments. I'm not the first to use the camma dash combo by any means but nonetheless I agree it's not very neat. The metaphor might be a bit of a stretch here. Theory is pretty abstract*. As for the rest I don't drink but my meds are kicking my ass. I'm barely ever even able to get on anymore.

*And a pain in the ass. Why I decided to try and go such a horrid route is beyond me.

Thanks again.

[tectak]

You are forgiven.  Thanks for the comments. I'm not the first to use the camma dash combo by any means but nonetheless I agree it's not very neat. The metaphor might be a bit of a stretch here. Theory is pretty abstract*. As for the rest I don't drink but my meds are kicking my ass. I'm barely ever even able to get on anymore.

*And a pain in the ass. Why I decided to try and go such a horrid route is beyond me.

Thanks again.

Good egg,
keep not taking the pills.
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

Synaptic firings light the eye, as on
A screen, the light behind the constant film,
Or is it lit by photons from outside;
Do we take in our love and life like trees
Set on a hill in matched eternal sway
Commanded by the wind and Earth’s own curve
Around the sun that fools us to perceive
The setting and the rising of the day?
You may be just a rainbow then, and I
A trick of your own light, illusory, —
No, though I pass like shed autumnal leaves
Right through your stream, I fall behind and find
Your shade proves your solidity. And this
The surface, then, is irreducible.

What's going on with L13  "And this"? For me, it disrupts the flow of understanding I was getting in a way that is wholly confusing. Nothing is complicated or expounded by those two words. Perhaps you thought it would flow better this way, but I cannot decipher any intent beyond this, which means it may lack meaning. I would also avoid the cliche "love and life". This is a weird part of your poem that becomes very direct and normal where the rest is vague and absract. Don't cut it out necessarily, just think about it.

I appreciated how the thing being talked to seems to change yet stay the same, giving the reader the feeling that you are talking to "nature" as a whole, yet still individually. Very interesting.

"And this" on the line break was meant to imply that it also proves "this" good points though, and as tec points out we're not really sure what /this/ is (!)

Thank you for the critique.