green is the color of silence

[Tamara]

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images.
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard.

[rowens]

by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images.

Do you want it to say "of the moon" there?

[Tamara]

i meant the images or rather shadows thrown by the moonlight. it doesn't work is it? 

[rowens]

I think you can get that without saying "of the moon" there.

its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by frayed edges, ghostlike images.

Or something like that gets it.

[cjchaffin]

hi tamara. there's a dark sensuality here that i find very appealing, 
like an old black and white Hollywood movie, film noir if you will...
i think there are a few places that can be tightened up though:

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered, <--great alliteration with the "f" sounds starting here
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images. <-- you use moon here a second time in such a short poem, difficult to change it up with a synonym but i think the image is implied anyway
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard. <-- same here with backyard, a second time. 

[Tamara]

thank you rowen, chris.

i think i will do away with the moon in that line. but i wonder how it would read if it's something like this. i want to leave backyard as it is.

my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
its ghost like images.

[Mwaba don]

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky. (Nice line rhyming sounds)
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images.
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard.

Your poem is good to read, i enjoyed. Your created some good sounds with the M and S words and
Had a flow through out the poem.
This is very weak critique. Read other crit to see how to do it.Try to indicate areas where the poet could improve. This is not a showcasing site. Your comment will probably elicit the polite response "Thank you". Oh. It has.
Mod

[Tamara]

Thank you, Mwaba Don.

[StanleyZ]

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images.
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard.

The second line bothers me, because of the word cumulus. Cumulus, most commonly defined, means "accumulation" they are basically the same word, but, "The landscape drew accumulation (or cumulus) green" seems to be lacking something, like AN accumulation OF green. That just makes more sense to me given my knowledge of the word. Cumulus is a great word, but is it really necessary? Maybe you are in love with it, I like it too, but I would try to make it more fluid. Everything else in this piece is vivid. The allusions to the moon are not too cliche to gag on. You use a lot of alliteration, which makes me think you chose your wording carefully. I can't say I like the idea of "my backyard" too much. I mean what does it really do here? As a reader until that point I was internalizing the descriptions, but then all the sudden my imagination is reclaimed by the speakers personal space, since when and why is the speaker trying to get personal about this theme that is far too vast and general to specify like this? I think the vista, horizon, firmament, or welkin would fit in just as well as far as the back yard goes. The title of this piece is general. To me nothing about it is really specific, so why zoom in around the speaker? Given the idea of this poem, zooming out would be more effective in my opinion. All these images are so far away, as the reader I am looking farther and farther out with every line. Don't bring me back home! Take me further, where only poetry can go. Take me past the shattered moon, the fringed trees, the fireflies. Take me where only you can take me, and I will enjoy that specific experience much more so than I will find solace in the fact that the color green is silent.

Excellent critique. Well done.
Mod

[Tamara]

Thank you. Yes, even I think I love the word cumulus. I used it intentionally to capture a scene which I see everyday. But obviously it doesn't seem to work well. I'll see what I can do there. I like the suggestion of using horizon or vista instead of backyard so the images remain far.

[71degrees]

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images.
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard.

"cumulus" is also a cloud (big, puffy cotton types)...the description lends itself to your "green" landscape quite well. Doing away with your backyard for a horizon or vista would let the intimacy of your surroundings escape. Don't get hasty to do away with your mood.

Love the "f" sounds throughout.

[Tamara]

no , i won't . i am still pondering on that. it wouldn't have the same impact i am looking for if i change it to horizon but as Stanley said it would give the whole poem a far image. thank you.

[StanleyZ]

Thank you. Yes, even I think I love the word cumulus. I used it intentionally to capture a scene which I see everyday. But obviously it doesn't seem to work well. I'll see what I can do there. I like the suggestion of using horizon or vista instead of backyard so the images remain far.

I think cumulus is a fitting word for this poem, but you could really play with it. Don't just spit it out in the second line, after all I already stated that this poem would benefit from zooming out. How great would it be to throw cumulus in one of the latter lines? Think about it, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of cumulus is an accumulation of clouds. Use every effect of the word to emphasize the way you are using it. Let those clouds dominate the line with such a stand out word. Don't use it to seem like you've done this before. Use it like it's a fire hose the reader has to straddle within their own mind. Make it pop, but give it a reason to pop, that the reader will come back to after a few reads, and truly appreciate and enjoy.

[Tamara]

thank you. gonna work on those lines.

[Erthona]

Tamara,

" the landscape
drew cumulus green; (how and why does the landscape draw anything? Much less a "cumulus green, whatever that is.")
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow ( If the full moon shattered how does it have a pale glow?)
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky. (Why is the sky muted? Do you mean in sound, color, or some other way?)
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images. (Once again how does the moon do anything if it has fallen? Ghost like images?)
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard."

Sorry, this seems nonsensical. Sure I could try and interpret what you mean, but that's not the readers job. Despite that this is mainly an image conjuration it still needs to be intelligible. First sentence which I have turned into 3 for clarity's sake, and added some suggestion.   

"The landscape drew cumulus green. (I don't see any connection between these two sentences. What connection is between the "landscape drawing and the moon shattering?) "The full moon shattered falling in the dark night. Its pale glow fringed the head of trees, like fireflies in a  muted sky."

The minimum this needs is a way to say that the moon is still falling. Something like "and fell through the night sky like slow motion fireworks." It's hard to get the idea that the moon continues to fall throughout what you are describing. I had to read it several times to figure out what you were trying to say.  In terms of the landscape drawing cumulus green", I've got nothing. I can deal with this being a magical realism poem written in an imagist style, but when you are describing something fantastical (as in not real), it needs to be handled very concretely. This is something that has never happened and the reader has no experience with, thus it is up to you to describe the scene clearly. 

second sentence:

My backyard was outlined by the frayed edges of the moon's ghostlike images. (I think the use of "the moon's ghostlike images" is problematic. At the very least in number disagreement. Maybe some thing like "the splintered moon's images". Personally I'd leave out  ghostly as it does not help the poem in any way, but you poem.

third sentence:

I swept the rooms in the woods nearby, while moss steadily crept and consumed my backyard.

If you do not have a good rationale for not writing grammatically, then you should write grammatically, such as beginning each sentence with a capitol letter. Your readers will thank you for it.

_________________________________________

I didn't read the other comments so if I am being redundant...

The idea behind this is a good one, however the presentation is less than adequate. You're leaving out information that the reader needs to make sense of this. Do not assume that the reader knows what you know. Don't throw out images that the reader has no ability to make sense of.

This critique is a bit longer than it should be for this section, but the idea appealed to me and I did not want it to get lost. Maybe when you've done an edit, you could post it in the "serious critique" section, or whatever they call it, or whatever they call it in this new rounded corners update of the BBS. It's like Windows XP all over again.

Dale  

[Tamara]

ok, thank you for your honesty. i will see what i can come up with.

[Lysander Gray]

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night, < what? how? what shattered the moon? this is confusing imagery. if you want to keep it add another line that ties it to an idea or concept.
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees, beautiful imagery. love it! you should end this image with a fullstop to separate from the next
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images. i agree with previous posters about having the 2nd moon and changing it. this line and the previous two seem to be almost reduntant as anything that says anything new within this poem. You've said what these lines have said with the rest of the poem.
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard. nice ending.

Interesting poem, though I wonder what the 'purpose' is, whether you are trying to paint a picture soley, or illuminate anything else. However I did love the imagery here.

[t.arcadius]

The imagery is nice, especially "cumulus green", however I felt like you were trying to say something or get something across that I wasn't able to grasp. At first I thought you might just be describing a beautiful scene, but you lost me with "I swept the rooms; in the woods nearby". The contrast between man/nature is evident, and I like how you juxtapose your appreciation for nature with a desire to keep it at bay.

the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images.
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard.

[Tamara]

I am lost on this one. Will take a while to rework this one. Thanks for all the comments/critiques.

[chanchan77]

I'm new and I don't really know how to "critique" things because I don't really know all the rules of poetry..  I probably sound really dumb but anyway I really like this poem if that means anything to you