Two For Alice

[ellajam]

Winter

Your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint,
porches forming wings,
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection.

Half glassed for winter,
half screened to catch summer's breeze,
your home sang your soul:
cradled it during your stay,
released it to soar in joy.


Spring

Red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride;
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep,
grandchildren wade the shoreline.

Counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go,
she clears the hallways.
Blueprints drawn for room to grow,
she replants mom's favorites.

This was written when I first learned tanka, as 5/7/5/7/7. I edited it heavily and added punctuation here, trying to keep it's tanka heart and pivots. Here's my chance to ask all of you lovers of short form to take a new look at it with me. While I've let the syllable count go in new work, I still feel it gives this one bones, but maybe it's excess weight.

Any and all thoughts and/or critiques welcome. Thanks

[Erthona]

ellasoswella,

Saw that this had languished, although I don't know why so I thought I would give you several

I like the second as it brings some context to the series, and if you were going to finish the round with summer and fall, I think I would start with Spring and end with Winter. As I'm sure you know I am no fan of pseudo-Japanese English poetry forms as they leave all the important stuff behind. The use of the 5/7/5/7/7 for me seems to make the line breaks seems arbitrary and jarring. That sterilized feel works to some extent with winter to convey the emptiness of the house, but only make the Spring lines seem random. In terms of winter shouldn't it be full glass and half screen? If it were only half glass then wouldn't things like birds and Billies come in? Just wondering
It would be nice, especially in the second one (Spring) if this had a cadence of some kind to give it some sonic energy. I keep reading back and forth between these two to check on things which is why I am jumping back and forth between poems.
The lines:

"ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection."

Does not sound like a house asleep:

"wakes her mother's home from sleep"

To tell you the truth I'm not sure why this is in the poem:

"Your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint,"

If you put: snuggled down for the winter, although cliche, it would make sense, but as houses do not move to say that it is "snuggled in its same footprint" is somewhat nonsensical.

This may be just me but, "your home sang your soul" doesn't do much for me. I can see, "your home was a reflection of your soul (better yet, personality, or kind, loving, gentle,wise, witty,  personality). Singing soul does not convey much, plus it borders on the weird and makes me think of Harry Potter.

Attributing these sorts of things to a house seems ...odd. Maybe if you were referring to something grander like the great southwest, but a house?

your home sang your soul: --> home sang soul
cradled it during your stay, --> home cradled soul
released it to soar in joy.  --> home released soul

I can see a house being a part of someone, representing their personality, but when the house become entwined with a soul it quits being wonderful and becomes something else, maybe a wraith. Purely my take. Your poem.

Spring starts off very well with the red geraniums, a bright brush stroke across the canvas to open, it would be nice to see some deep blues of the lake juxtaposed to that, but all in all for me, it is a much stronger piece than the first one. Some of the last part I don't really understand fully, but I will chalk that up to my ignorance of the locale (Blueprints means those things that you use to build things, also called the plans. I thought there may be other definitions but apparently the dictionary is as stupid as I am. I suppose pennies are some kind of flower? Oh wait that peonies.).  
 
xoxoxo

Dale

[billy]

i know little about the form but if 575 is a guideline for haiku, why can't the syllable count be a guideline for the tanka? the first poem has a slower feel and a more mundane start to it. maybe a little to mundane. the sencond feels perfect for it's title. i like most of the content for reasons given below, i do think adhering to the word count restricts the poem.
thanks for the read

i forgot, the last line of the 2nd poem is my favourite, by replanting mom's faves i see her on about her mom's rooms and keeping them in any rebuilding

Winter
Your empty house sits i like the [sits] as it allows for some alliteration with the next [s]
snuggled in its same footprint, this has a warm feel to it yet by the 2nd stanza it isn't as cozy as it seemed, i like this because it makes it still feel lived in, would another word such as orchard or something else have more impact?
porches forming wings, winged porches sound tighter, you could add [the two] to make it fit your count, though the [the] wouldn't really be needed
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection.
Half glassed for winter,
half screened to catch summer's breeze,
your home sang your soul: sang, i quiet like it but wonder if the strict count is hindering a batter choice than sang,
cradled it during your stay,
released it to soar in joy.
Spring
Red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride; i like the start of this, it already feels upbeat and springtime
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep,
grandchildren wade the shoreline. altogether a great contrast to the first part.
Counting her pennies is [her] needed?
to buy what she can't let go, and she wants her mothers house,
she clears the hallways.
Blueprints drawn for room to grow,
she replants mom's favorites.
This was written when I first learned tanka, as 5/7/5/7/7. I edited it heavily and added punctuation here, trying to keep it's tanka heart and pivots. Here's my chance to ask all of you lovers of short form to take a new look at it with me. While I've let the syllable count go in new work, I still feel it gives this one bones, but maybe it's excess weight.
Any and all thoughts and/or critiques welcome. Thanks

[Erthona]

el,

I came back to look over this again. I think I know one of the things that was bothering me. This is written as a tanka, but is in fact a much longer poem so when you write a sentence like:

"Counting her pennies to buy what she can't let go, she clears the hallways."

Which might fly as maybe a tanka makes little sense as a sentence in a larger poem. What does, "she clears the hallway" have to do with what precedes it? There are a number of sentences that do this. So I think maybe you need to work on clarification for these sentences.

What does:

"Blueprints drawn for room to grow" have to do with "she replants mom's favorites". Generally these would not be in the same sentence. I understand that they arose out of the short form poem, but this is no longer a short form, and such phrases hinder clarity.

Dale

[just mercedes]

I really like the two poems 'talking' to each other as they do. I'm not sure of what to make of the change from 'you' to 'she'. The second is definitely more vivid, but that's totally in keeping with the seasons. I get the feeling of the cycle, life to death to rebirth, and it's a positive thing. Unusual in this age to see a family home handed down through generations. They do become repositories of family history, the history of love.