lanterne poem

[cjchaffin]

 

Pearls

 

hands

cradle

smooth trinkets

born from Mother’s

tears

 

he

rolls them

in rough palms

contemplating

life

 

and

wishing

he had more

time to spend with

her

 

 
 
 
*this is a lanterne, a cinquain derivative. 
the form is five lines of 1/2/3/4/1. 
one school of thought says that each line 
should be able to stand on its own 
but I find that a bit too restrictive. 
you can have a chain of lanternes or just one strophe
 
 
 
 

[Erthona]

cjchaffin,
I also disagree with the "each line can stand on its own". No idea can be contained by a single syllable except as it refers to the words around it, the simplest of sentences must have at a minimum two syllables, "Dog ran." If you want to say that each strophe needs to stand on it's own I would agree with that. In terms of how each strophe relates to the others, it seems thematically, such as the first strophe is about a young child, then teenager, then adult, et al. In your poem the first strophe is solid. I find the use of "and" to carry the second to the third disruptive. One could say it is enjambment. However the use of it here makes the last two strophes a single entity as the and" connects them together. To me it seems more like the idea of "forced rhyme" in formal poetry, that is using an inferior word that is unnatural to the poem, instead of working until one finds a word that does not seem out of place. In this vein the first strophe seems spot on., the second less so. The initial image (of the second strophe) makes little sense, (one must assume "he" is rolling pearls between his hands), and even if this is symbolic, or referent to an idea like pearls=wisdom, it simply does not work. There is nothing within the image that really points to something other than what the lines say on the concrete level. Also the first two strophes seem more connected by the idea of hands than pearls. The third strophe cannot stand on its own, because it introduces a new character but without grounding. Which brings one back to the idea of enjambment, as the "and" connects the two strophes syntactically more than thematically, leading to confusion and many unanswerable question. The first strophe is good because it introduces the idea of both "pearls" and "hands", and tells the reader who "she" is. She is a mother". The idea of "mother" carries with it numerous connotations, and so one does not really require a more elaborate to understand who she is. This is not the case with "he" in the second, as "he" simply defines a human male. The same goes for she in the third part. When a reader cannot identity with the character, then there is no possibility of emotional connection, and thus no reason to care about the poem.
Dale

[cjchaffin]

hey dale,

thanks for chiming in. you're right about the third strophe, it's weak. i need to punch it up a bit.

i guess i should clarify what "them" is in the second strophe as well.

i wonder if it would read better connected in a chain instead of broken? hmm. i dunno. at any rate, i'll try to make it stronger.

thank you!

[Tamara]

the first two strophes would work as well. it is complete without the third one.

[Mwaba don]

 

Pearls

 

hands

cradle

smooth trinkets

born from Mother’s

tears

 

he

rolls them

in rough palms

contemplating

life

 

and

wishing

he had more

time to spend with

her

 

 
 
 
*this is a lanterne, a cinquain derivative. 
the form is five lines of 1/2/3/4/1. 
one school of thought says that each line 
should be able to stand on its own 
but I find that a bit too restrictive. 
you can have a chain of lanternes or just one strophe
 
 
 
 

Nice poem. However i am not sure what you mean by saying that each line should stand on its on. I get the images you portray, the words used like cradle, made the poem have a a rhyming ring to it. The line born from mothers tears gave it a sad depth supported by the words contemplating and wishing. This combination made a  mood flow to the poem.

[Erthona]

I don't know who wrote this article in Wiki, but it is inaccurate on several accounts.

"A lanterne is a cinquain form of poetry, in which the first line has one syllable and each subsequent line increases in length by one syllable, except for the final line that concludes the poem with one syllable. Its name derives from the lantern shape that appears when the poem is aligned to the center of the page.
Each line of the lanterne is able to stand on its own, and while the poem may or may not be given a title, the title of a lanterne sometimes functions as an integral part of the poem, working as a 'sixth' line." Wiki lanterne .

Its only relationship to an (American) cinquain is that both have five lines. The lanterne is relived of use of accentual beat, or the latter changes made by Crapsey. I challenge the idea that a lanterne is a real form at all, as its only requirement is to use 5 lines(syllable 1-2-3-4-1) to form the pattern of lanterns. This basically is a form of concrete or shape poetry. The Wiki article about it has no real, or legitimate references. One sites wiki answers, and the other a poorly thought out page which uses unattributable poems and links back to the page of an elementary school somewhere. So maybe the form is legitimate, but the Wiki article should be taken down. I guess I should but...I'm lazy. However I suggest not using the Wiki article as a source for the limits of this particular "form".

dale

[cjchaffin]

I don't know who wrote this article in Wiki, but it is inaccurate on several accounts.

"A lanterne is a cinquain form of poetry, in which the first line has one syllable and each subsequent line increases in length by one syllable, except for the final line that concludes the poem with one syllable. Its name derives from the lantern shape that appears when the poem is aligned to the center of the page.
Each line of the lanterne is able to stand on its own, and while the poem may or may not be given a title, the title of a lanterne sometimes functions as an integral part of the poem, working as a 'sixth' line."  Wiki lanterne .

Its only relationship to an (American) cinquain is that both have five lines. The lanterne is relived of use of accentual beat, or the latter changes made by Crapsey. I challenge the idea that a lanterne is a real form at all, as its only requirement is to use 5 lines(syllable 1-2-3-4-1) to form the pattern of lanterns. This basically is a form of concrete or shape poetry. The Wiki article about it has no real, or legitimate references. One sites wiki answers, and the other a poorly thought out page which uses unattributable poems and links back to the page of an elementary school somewhere. So maybe the form is legitimate, but the Wiki article should be taken down. I guess I should but...I'm lazy. However I suggest not using the Wiki article as a source for the limits of this particular "form".

dale

thanks for the clarification, dale. i never use anything Wiki-related for the very reason you mention. i got my info from another source on form poetry but they may have borrowed it from Wiki, who knows. either way, good to know.