Mommy Had a Vice (poem)

[StanleyZ]

I have completed my required 5 critiques recently. I am anxious to receive some feedback of my own, so I am posting my first poem here, I have read the rules over enough to believe this is a legal post, but If not I beg pardon, and ask for clarity.

"Mommy Had a Vice"


Mommy had a habit of popping rabbit tails,
cocktail tornadoes never seemed too far between,
and she washed it all down with ivory and lavender,
the irony, a wonder, her avarice never did her any justice.

Mommy bore a Tommy gun,
just to turn it on herself,
she called it Miss Take,
to her Miss Give (a damn).

Mom-my, Rocked- me, Slow-ly,
Mom-my, Lulled- me, Lang-uid-ly,
in a fatal cradle,
never taught me how to have a halo.

Mommy had a vice, force grip
of her own device, but
she never thought twice, in doubt-
about what she could have done to suffice.

[just mercedes]

Hi Stanley, and welcome! Your poem has a lot of impact - the sonic adventures are fun, and the surreal images are doing their work at the same time. The protagonist seems to be street-wise; a sort of cinema noir tough guy tone to it that I like. I can't help thinking that your last line let the poem down a little though - it seems to trail off in wordiness and a forced rhyme.

That said, I enjoyed reading your poem - unexpected, and refreshing. I'm always happy to see poets taking chances, playing with words, enjoying their work. Makes the reader feel the same.

[StanleyZ]

Hi Stanley, and welcome! Your poem has a lot of impact - the sonic adventures are fun, and the surreal images are doing their work at the same time. The protagonist seems to be street-wise; a sort of cinema noir tough guy tone to it that I like. I can't help thinking that your last line let the poem down a little though - it seems to trail off in wordiness and a forced rhyme.

That said, I enjoyed reading your poem - unexpected, and refreshing. I'm always happy to see poets taking chances, playing with words, enjoying their work. Makes the reader feel the same.

Thank you so much! I wanted to do something unique since I started this piece, and you caught me red handed in regards to the ending. It was one of those things where I was just trying to fit something in >.< your insight is a fantastic encouragement!
Thank you for the perspective! :3

[billy]

you could have post here after 1 piece of feedback stanley, with five you can post site wide.

to the poem;

in some places i think less could be more all i had were small nits about excess word use and the last stanza being a little forced. i got from the poem that mom took speed maybe but that was it. (okay it seemed she also had a violence about her) but i never saw the reason why.

thanks for the crit/feedback you've already given :J: and the poem.

I have completed my required 5 critiques recently. I am anxious to receive some feedback of my own, so I am posting my first poem here, I have read the rules over enough to believe this is a legal post, but If not I beg pardon, and ask for clarity.

"Mommy Had a Vice"


Mommy had a habit of popping rabbit tails, a suggestion would be a [comma,] instead of [of] an intriguing first line as i have no idea what rabbit tails are, a guess would be an upper.
cocktail tornadoes never seemed too far between, is seemed needed?
and she washed it all down with ivory and lavender, is and needed
the irony, a wonder, her avarice never did her any justice.

Mommy bore a Tommy gun,
just to turn it on herself, is just needed?
she called it Miss Take,
to her Miss Give (a damn). would Gave work better? i didn't find this stanza as interesting as the first.

Mom-my, Rocked- me, Slow-ly,
Mom-my, Lulled- me, Lang-uid-ly, i like the perception of slow with the hyphen, more so after a few reads.
in a fatal cradle,
never taught me how to have a halo.

Mommy had a vice, force grip
of her own device, but
she never thought twice, in doubt-
about what she could have done to suffice. this stanza feel a bit forced.

[ellajam]

Moved from Newly Registered at OP's request. /mod

[crow]

Just a quick note--if these are lyrics, if you have a tune for them, for instance, please do say. I'd love to edit them as such.

crow

[StanleyZ]

Just a quick note--if these are lyrics, if you have a tune for them, for instance, please do say. I'd love to edit them as such.

crow

This piece is not intended to be lyrical in the typical sense. It is meant to leave an impression when spoken, and give the speaker a sympathetic tone, but it isn't a song.