Why Old People Are Grumpy

[brandontoh]

1st edit:
Why Old People Are Grumpy


Sentiments
transcend
into legends

of chiseled jaw
heroics
in violence,

or mere fiction,
if they haven't
already.

But the loss
and grief
are real,

and the 'peace',
our ignorance
of history.

No one left
to remember it
soon,

how a game
was played
with lives,

how arrogance
left all faith
ruined.

original:
Why Old People Are Grumpy


Sentiments
will transcend
into legends

or mere fiction,
if it isn't
already.

But the loss
and grief
are real,

and the 'peace',
our ignorance
of history.

No one left
to remember it
soon,

how cockiness
left everything
ruined.

[Tamara]

Why Old People Are Grumpy


Sentiments
will transcend  (is will needed, but removing it will make it more like a statement)
into legends

or mere fiction,
if it isn't       (i keep stumbling on isn't, isn't , hasn't)
already.

But the loss  (do you need 'the')
and grief
are real,

and the 'peace',
our ignorance
of history.

No one left
to remember it
soon,

how cockiness (another word instead of cockiness, it doesn't seem to go well with this poem)
left everything
ruined.

and that said i enjoyed the poem, it is concise and the minimalist style makes it effective. are you sticking to any syllable count in the strophes? 

i am not that good in critiquing, i am still trying, learning. thank you.

[billy]

i can see you're aiming for brevity with the piece but in this instance i think more can be better.  ( i know i suggested some word cuts but i'm on about actual content) i don't actually get how old people are grumpy from the poem, as an od person i know how or why i'm grumpy. my irratic heartbeat bangs out for a pacemaker, the gap where my tooth used to be isn't healing and my jaw is playing kill the bastard with my brain. the grand kids are screaming and i want to commit what ever kind cide it is that grandads do to grand kids. the 1st stanza gives me something but i want more, i want an image to start me off

Why Old People Are Grumpy


Sentiments
will transcend is will needed?
into legends

or mere fiction,
if it isn't if they haven't
already.

But the loss is [the] needed?
and grief
are real,

and the 'peace',
our ignorance
of history.

No one left
to remember it
soon,

how cockiness
left everything
ruined.

[cidermaid]

Hi, I keep coming back to read this one but somehow I am not quite getting what I hope to find from this one - namely why i am so grumpy!  I get a strong link to war / history and how we say we won't forget but we do of course as the numbers dwindle, but then it feelslike this poem is not actually about this so my read becomes confused towards the end.
I like the brevity but think you might nee a further stanza to give this one a more direct link with the title.
(Also I must give credit and thanks because my read on this started the thought process ofr my recent effort...I'm grumpy because I am not beautiful like a spring day, my eyesight and the rest of my body for that matter is rubbish when it used to be pretty fab and i haven't got the energy to spring into action any more...I have a strong desire to go to sleep.  I used to feel repleate and satisfied with life, like the cool of a late summer's day...but all my fruit is shriveling up and gone to waste...youth is wasted on the young...and this makies me really grumpy!).

Why Old People Are Grumpy


Sentiments
will transcend
into legends   this this opener would bebetter as a flat statement.   Perhaps take out will.

or mere fiction,   not sure about the use of mere here.  (This stanza makes me think of old war films played at Christmas and easter.  combined with St 1 it works well i think.)
if it isn't
already.

But the loss
and grief
are real,

and the 'peace',
our ignorance
of history.   Again here and above with the war time image.   The cost and the sad replay of wars that keep happening because we are always blinded to our age and refuse to read our history books.  We say "peace peace when there is no peace"

No one left
to remember it
soon,         this Stanza is very poignant and works both as a image of the last soilder of a generation dying and also for the old generally who are left behind as their friends die.

Perhaps consider an extra stanza here to give me more on why specifically oldies are grumpy.

how cockiness   Don't think this is the right word here.  up untill this point your poemhas had an almost genteel voice...cockiness is decidedly uncoth and does not feel like it belongs..unless you were going for the whole purple hatted shock value thing  .
left everything
ruined.   like ruined as a close point / statement.   (This grumpy old woman is comming round to this thought!)

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[brandontoh]

Thanks for the comments!

Tamara: I'm not really keeping to any strict syllable count, but I'm dividing the lines so a consistent pace and rhythm is set.

billy: I've added in a couple more stanzas! Hopefully it makes the image clearer. I thought grandparents love their grandkids!

cidermaid: Yeah, that's the idea I'm going for. Guess I should make it clearer. I've edited a few things and added in 2 stanzas, hope that makes it better without losing anything!

Once again thanks for the comments, the first edit is up! I think the title is a huge problem, and am thinking of how to change it.