Bug Food (a hate sonnet)

[alatos]

The petals that in summer charmed the bees,
and drew them salsa dancing from their hive,
still hang, but like a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease,
unconscious, left too weak to send his pleas
of barter up to God, they won’t survive.
They’ll bend at last to take the autumn dive;
they’ll droop and sag to snag the harvest breeze.

That’s something, isn’t it? The way they fade,
and whither up as bug food, then as dust?
I only smile at them cause of you:
because I know one day, you’ll be afraid…
you’ll notice that you also wilt, and just
how short the time till you are bug food too.

[PHTj]

The comparisons in this throw me completely off. I get the basic idea but I had to read sections multiple times to understand the direction. I don't see where the beginning of L3 "still hang" is needed and could be removed. For example: but like a patient who is still alive. Hope this helps.

[ThePinsir]

I'm not sure why it's a "hate sonnet".
I'm not sure what "a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease" means. Maybe someone who's death is imminent and who's existence is only a burden to others?

The meter on the last line is off. Maybe something like "how short the time 'till you are eaten too".

I really like starting the volta with a question. I've never seen that.

[alatos]

I thought this poem was clear. But since it seems like a few people are struggling, I'll just give a line by line paraphrase

The petal that attracted all the bees during the summer,
and drew them out of their hives, dancing around,
still hang on. But at this point, they're no different than a terminal patient. Although technically 'alive,'
he only really lives as a host to disease:
unconscious, left too weak to even pray to God
and beg for his life. Similarly, these petals are gonna die.
They’ll bend at last to fall in autumn;
they’ll droop and sag to snag the harvest breeze.

That’s something, isn’t it? The way they fade,
and whither up as bug food, then as dust?
This otherwise sad thing - the beauty of flowers, turning to dust - only makes me smile
because I know one day, you’ll be afraid of an identical fate…
you’ll notice that you also wilt, and just
how short the time you have left until you are food for bugs.

[Pyxx]

The petals that in summer charmed the bees,
and drew them salsa dancing from their hive,
still hang, but like a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease,
unconscious, left too weak to send his pleas
of barter up to God, they won’t survive.
They’ll bend at last to take the autumn dive;
they’ll droop and sag to snag the harvest breeze.

That’s something, isn’t it? The way they fade,
and whither up as bug food, then as dust?
I only smile at them cause of you:
because I know one day, you’ll be afraid…
you’ll notice that you also wilt, and just
how short the time till you are bug food too

I enjoyed reading this work, the connection between nature and death. I thought this contributed toward giving this 'hate sonnet' a visceral feel to it. I have trouble trying to fault it. Perhaps when PHTj referred to confusion he was addressing the fluid change from the petals to the bees to the petals and than the patient, nitpicking I s'pose.

The petals that in summer charmed the bees,
and drew them salsa dancing from their hive,
still hang, but like a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease,
unconscious, left too weak to send his pleas
of barter up to God,

There is a lot in this work that could be simplified....

but like a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease,
unconscious,

The word 'unconscious' could be removed, doing so may contribute toward giving this work a little more fluidity and punch. If the patient is a 'hostel for disease' than it is obvious to the reader that he is in a bad state, whether he is unconscious or not becomes irrelevant.
Using this additional description is merely repeating what has already been described about him...at least that is what we were taught in creative writing class, simplify, don't repeat what has essentially already stated.

Having said that, I enjoyed reading your 'hate sonnet'. I look forward to seeing more posts of your work.

[just mercedes]

The petals that in summer charmed the bees,
and drew them salsa dancing from their hive, great metaphor
still hang, but like a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease, I understand the simile but wonder if it could be improved
unconscious, left too weak to send his pleas
of barter up to God, they won’t survive.
They’ll bend at last to take the autumn dive;
they’ll droop and sag to snag the harvest breeze. this is a little unclear to me. I think your extended metaphor is working really well, but 'snag the harvest breeze' doesn't really describe what happens at  the end of the flower's life cycle

That’s something, isn’t it? The way they fade,
and whither up as bug food, then as dust? very effective, using a question to mark the volta. I like direct address in a poem. 'wither' is the verb you want, I think. I wanted to read 'to bug food' 'to dust'
I only smile at them cause of you: 'because of you' to keep the meter constant
because I know one day, you’ll be afraid…
you’ll notice that you also wilt, and just
how short the time till you are bug food too. effective ending, if a little brutal - but it makes me understand the title, and the writer's sadness and acceptance of the natural order of life

Good writing. I have watched a loved one die slowly, and for me you have nailed the process, and the thoughts of those in attendance. A difficult subject, and a difficult form, and you have handled both with ease, it seems. Thank you for posting this.

[Mwaba don]

The petals that in summer charmed the bees,
and drew them salsa dancing from their hive,
still hang, but like a patient who alive
lives only as a hostel for disease,
unconscious, left too weak to send his pleas
of barter up to God, they won’t survive.
They’ll bend at last to take the autumn dive;
they’ll droop and sag to snag the harvest breeze.

That’s something, isn’t it? The way they fade,
and whither up as bug food, then as dust?
I only smile at them cause of you:
because I know one day, you’ll be afraid…
you’ll notice that you also wilt, and just
how short the time till you are bug food too.

I dint get the meaning of the title "hate sonnet"
How how made the meaning of the first two lines was amazing.
How ever it was interesting how you related the petals to that someone you smile at.
Uprising how them you meant that the person you smile at will wilt as well.
Good poem overal