Mother of all

[simmon]

I see you again, my precious child.

In the sharp cold winter breath, you wilted.

Is this a millionth time you been stepped on?

Yet you never fail to cover me in green.

Many souls out there never notice how great you are,

but you never care, keep grow up tall and strong.

Many souls out there claim that they are proud,

but fail to stand up when they have fallen.

Sunk in their despair and forget

about those who still care for them.



Another newbie's work... still on practice.


***Thank you cidermaid and billy. Sorry for being so late to respond, but I do really appreciate your comment since there are still a lot for me to learn. I will see if i can make this one better, but it going to take some time because I need to do more reading to improve my skill.

[billy]

the line spacing doesn't add anything to the poem, in fact it detracts from it.

ideally i think you need to be less ambiguous. i'm getting it's about mother nature but i'm also getting it's about the earth (planet) look out for wordiness and try to use more images. you have one in the second line, try and expand on it.

I see you again, my precious child.


In the sharp cold winter breath, you wilted.


Is this a millionth time you been stepped on?


Yet you never fail to cover me in green.


Many souls out there never notice how great you are,


But you never care, keep grow up tall and strong. growing


Many souls out there claim that they are proud, no need for [out there]


But fail to stand up when they have fallen. no need for [up]


Sunk in their despair and forget [they] not [and]


About those who still care for them.



Another newbie's work... still on practice.

[cidermaid]

Hi simmon,  
the first thing that struck me was that this had a lot of potential.  As a shorter poem it needs to work hard on each line to make sure that it delivers as in a shorter poem the need to make every word count is heightened.  Visually the double spaced lines detract from this and for me i found it quite distracting and the first thing i did to reply was to close up the line spacing.  The next thing I looked at was the abruptness of the text by the use of lots of periods.  As it is written as an address to a second party I would consider making the lines flow on a bit more.  (Also watch out for all those stray capitals starting each line.  They disrupt the read and confuse the use of the punctuation).
A couple of thoughts on the actual text, but remember this is your poem and these are just suggestions.
I see you again, my precious child.   Again could be cut and also you could make better useperhaps of the address style - try to keep it as you would actually speak - this text sounds a bit preachy.
so as a suggestion:
I see you,
wilted under a carpet
of cold breath and sharp teeth.
You are precious to me.
This might not work for where you want to take your poem, it was more just to show you how I might write your lines here.

In the sharp cold winter breath, you wilted.
Is this a millionth time you been stepped on?  the use of Millionth time is a cliche.   try to avoid common terms of speach or phrases.
Yet you never fail to cover me in green.
Many souls out there never notice how great you are,   the use of souls here does not add anything [Many never notice you.  (then on your word line use you still have six word spaces that could be used to tell the reader something of note to show us how great)
But you never care, keep grow up tall and strong.
Many souls out there claim that they are proud,   souls again with same comment as above also try not repeat a word especially in a shorter poem.
But fail to stand up when they have fallen.
Sunk in their despair and forget
About those who still care for them.
sorry if i have loaded too much into a new registered forum crit. (this is what tends to happen if someone likes a poem - you get sucked into a closer look - so this a a good sign in my books)  If it helps just take one aspect of the crit and work with that to start with.  Hope you have a go at an edit there is a nice little poem in there.
All the best
AJ.

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