The Bumper Sticker

[alatos]

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though.

The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.

[zahrakh]

I like the description of that character in this poem.
However,
Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out, (Sitting out sounds bit odd)
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. (this stanza needs a retouch, although it gives clear visuals but for a starting stanza perhaps you'd want to make it stronger.

The man has sat there now for years, (this sounds like he has been sitting constantly at one place for years)
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

[tectak]

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though.as and while are mutually countered. One should go...as should though. You mean through.

The man has sat there now for years,"the man" is reflexive. We know he is a man, we know he is "the" man...why demote him so early in the piece?
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.Having fears? Because he is close or because he is far away or because he is sitting or because he is a man or because he talks...well, that is what the "but" implies.
He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.Nice observation. Very simplistic in a good way.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still cracking?
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.

Nice cameo. A few nits but the main problem is the pointlessness as perceived by the poor, uninformed reader. You need to give more to be able to write less.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

the meter isn't too bad and the poem gets across the crazy in the guy and the last line sort of lets us know why. the meter in the last two lines might want looking at as they're short (unless you meant it to be that way) it does read well but it also feels a bit wordy. specially the 2nd whose 1st line has 6 three letter words

not a bad effort, but can be improved upon with a bit more diligence.

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares is a comma needed?
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though.

The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied i have no idea what Assateague is, will google it later/ so it's the island of Assateague.
up in the roof over his porch. in on or under the roof? how would you see it if it was (in) the roof?

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll, would [he'll] work better on the next line.?
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.

[Mwaba don]

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though.  (through?)

The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticke  (Sticker)

Your poems is well structured and has nice rhyming pattern.
Your words used set a good mood to the poem but they sound edgy.
However, the some lines sound awkward in trying to get to the buildup of pointing out your poem to say that your writing talks about a bumper sticker.

[beaufort]

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares (could leave out "while", no need for comma)
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. (through)

The man has sat there now for years, (maybe something like "he sits there daily, now for years" or some such to overcome the implication that he has never moved)
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears… (could leave out the comma)
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch (could leave out "and")
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch. (in the rafters? something like "among the rafters in his porch" might make this more clear)

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker. (I like the ending, but "he'll and "still" are too far off to my ears given the pure rhymes in the earlier stanzas.  The third line could use a bit of a meter overhaul in my opinion, such as "that proudly wears a crackling, but still")



Enjoyed this!  I can see him sitting on the porch with his eccentricities and his snakes, and this is a timely subject and one that most anyone can relate to. Hope comments are helpful.  Thanks.

[oceanwanderer20]

I like the imagery in this poem. Just a few suggestions though:

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out, How is he sitting out? Perhaps reword this.
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. through?

The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky. Maybe make this more descriptive. ex: he cackles at the sky?

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.

Maybe add some more descriptive language

[crow]

tectak,

You said "You need to give more to be able to write less."

Can you air that out some? It's such a neat directive, but I'm a bit outside its meaning.

crow

[Brownlie]

All in all you did a pretty good job here, but I'll go through it.

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out. - I would end this with a period. It seems, a more prosaic grammar seems to prevent hiccups in the rhythm. The end word also feels somewhat strained for the rhyme.
While drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look through. - The "beside" seems a little intrusive.


The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied --Too many ands reduce the meaning here.
up in the roof over his porch.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still -- I would change wear to a more appropriate word for a bike, but that is my opinion.
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.

For me, the poem gets strongest in the details. If I were editing this, I would watch out for sentences that would read awkward in a paragraph of prose. To me, that means they have to use grammar to be clear, and they have to have cohesion. I think some people compare paragraphs to stanzas.  Thanks for posting.

[bogpan]

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though.

The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.

he talks and / laughs up to the sky / I think it's poetic discovery. Suggestion that the emotional state is very well delivered. Maybe it is a little verbose.

[tectak]

tectak,

You said "You need to give more to be able to write less."

Can you air that out some? It's such a neat directive, but I'm a bit outside its meaning.

crow

Sure.
I will clarify. It's neat, but profound.
That's all.
Best,
tectak

[musicismylife78]

Hello!
I love the concept of this piece, and the imagery utilized here. The idea is creatively presented as well.
However, I do think that the poem could flow a little better. Some of the lines are a bit awkward. For example, the line "He brings his two pet snakes outside" is not very euphonious. The "p" in "pet" disrupts the flow of the line. Perhaps it would sound better like this: "He brings his snakes outside". Sometimes the hard consonant sounds are too disrupting for a piece to flow.
Also, the second line about "the drizzle" is confusing. Maybe "while rain falls" would sound better. Drizzle sounds like better vocabulary, but I think that "rain" fits the message a bit better.
I hope this helped! And, like I said, I really like your concept. I look forward to reading your work in the future.

[tectak]

tectak,

You said "You need to give more to be able to write less."

Can you air that out some? It's such a neat directive, but I'm a bit outside its meaning.

crow

Sure.
I will clarify. It's neat, but profound.
That's all.
Best,
tectak

Sorry. That was trite. Time was short.
In any piece of written work the reader detects three things...arguably more, but quintessentially they are:

Meaning. This is subjective but from the writer with the ability to transfer meaning , failure in this is not an option. Clarity of expression, enlightening metaphors, precision word use all come in to play.

Effort. The lack of forced rhyme and deliberate rhythm shows that effort has been put in to the work. It is NOT easy to write perfection in poem or prose without reflective writing. Reading work out loud shows up weak areas and allows for pre-post corrections to be seamlessly carried out. Slapdash work is fine for first draft...essential even, but craftmanship shows.

Perception: This is the biggy. That glimpse into the working of the mind of the writer is one if the most wonderful things about poetry. It should be considered a gift from the writer to the reader. Small cameos of thought, gestalts, telling phrases and freshness of view is what matters...but sincerity is the overall master.

My comment on giving more to be able to write less is more of the last and less of the first.
Best,
tectak

[vagabond]

Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out,
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though.            why "though?"

The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.

i would change that around because i think it would clarify the fears of the subject´s mother.
"not more than fifty feet away
he has been living there for years
talks and laughs up to the sky
and my mother has her fears."


He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.     porch to branch, you´re a master of nearly near-rhyme just like me.

When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.         this "still there" doesn´t seem enough to describe that bumper sticker since it´s the solution of the whole poem.
maybe you could write
which wears a crackling, but proudly-charging
"veteran" bumper sticker.
 replace "Proudly-charging" with any adjective you prefer, it´s just an example.

i like your poem.
this site requires me to give critic, so I try, however inadequate i am doing so.
i excuse for anything non-helpful but i still hope some of it is useful.