< too bright to see >

[rayheinrich]

                            < too bright to see >

                                the top of us
                                rock mountain
                                snow in summer
                                sun reflected
                                face on face
                                on us
                                on snow in summer
                                sun reflected
                                face on face
                               
                                      - - -

[Nicco]

Hi;
i really like your short poem, nice imagery.
You may want to use,,,,on top of us,,,omit ,,,on us,,,after the first face to face is not necessary.

on top of us
mountain, snow
caped
sun reflected
earth to face
*****this was my version, you don't have to pick it.
Thank you
as jaysky mentioned, if you prefer, extend the poem. i can't tell you what to write. it's your poem, what else do you see in that setting, what message you would like to send to your readers in a poetic way. use metaphors, similes and other poetry devices. and enjoy, keep writing.
Nicco

[jaysky]

I feel like this could have potential if you were to extend it. Describe it more go into detail more it could broom a great masterpiece

[tectak]

I feel like this could have potential if you were to extend it. Describe it more go into detail more it could broom a great masterpiece

Quite apart from the weakness of content in this crit it is unintelligible. Please help the poster by providing some useful insight into how the piece could be improved. A poem, like everything else which is as nothing, has potential.
Mod

[rayheinrich]

Hi;
i really like your short poem, nice imagery.
You may want to use,,,,on top of us,,,omit ,,,on us,,,after the first face to face is not necessary.

on top of us
mountain, snow
caped
sun reflected
earth to face

And I like yours as well.
Especially "earth to face".
You take what you like and leave the rest behind.
You are the one I aim for.
Ray

---

I feel like this could have potential if you were to extend it. Describe it more go into detail more it could broom a great masterpiece

I appreciate your intent.
What I would like to hear from you is the details.
Not the details I should add, but the details you saw when you read it.
Ray

[Nicco]

Hi;
i really like your short poem, nice imagery.
You may want to use,,,,on top of us,,,omit ,,,on us,,,after the first face to face is not necessary.

on top of us
mountain, snow
caped
sun reflected
earth to face

And I like yours as well.
Especially "earth to face".
You take what you like and leave the rest behind.
You are the one I aim for.
Ray

---

I feel like this could have potential if you were to extend it. Describe it more go into detail more it could broom a great masterpiece

I appreciate your intent.
What I would like to hear from you is the details.
Not the details I should add, but the details you saw when you read it.
Ray