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The Key Of Heart
Gazing at the keyboard
Then gaping at the screen
Heartbeats scribbling suggestions
At blank paper of mind, naive
Love, a word ringing around like
temple bells
This is what he spoke, didn't he?
Consciousness went dazed
A dreamlike modified reality
illuminated
After making it through a storm of
fear
Now it seemed good and clear
Fascination and long -suppressed
dreams
Flying around like colourful ribbons
Love demanding and daring arose
From hollows of despair and silent
urges
Young, forgetful heart lured into
what was
being called a bond
Breaking some old threads, wove new
fantasies
Eternal love and soulmates --
showering
delights felt so divine
Then trembling fingers danced on
the
keyboard
Three letters, making a yes
Wraped in the delusions that
everything said
was true and lasting
Commitment, a word she wrote on
her heart
Breathing in a dimension familiar
but new
Believing he will make all her dreams
come
true
Brush away her every deprivation,
heal her
every wound
With a blink of his eyes
Taking her to his colourful world,
where
season of romance never dies
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Joined: Aug 2013
This was a disorienting read. You have a few really nice moments in here, the temple bells, the flying ribbons, and the dancing fingers specifically caught my attention, but they kinda get lost in the form. The punctuation/lack of periods made this hard to read, and I don't know if the one word lines do a lot for the poem. I would like to see this with a more str8 forward structure and less abstractions. Just my 2cents, Thnx for sharing ^_^
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thank you blox and makeshift
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zahrakh,
Periods, what do you have against periods. "Disorienting" as Makshift said. One of course can throw periods/sentence structure (which are there for clarity) to the wind if one has a good rationale, but I don't see that here. Filled with overused phrases, There are a fair amount, not the least of which is the title. Love poetry is always problematic. I would suggest writing sentence. Most people think that the best time to write love poetry is when in love it isn't would write more and be more specific but I must away for bed a concrete pillow to rest and rest my head
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(09-07-2014, 03:42 PM)jaysky Wrote: It was quite interesting to say the least. Really gives you a feel for what the writer is feeling . Allot of emotion I say. Great work
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(09-04-2014, 04:48 PM)zahrakh Wrote: The Key Of Heart
Gazing at the keyboard
Then gaping at the screen
Heartbeats scribbling suggestions
At blank paper of mind, naive
Love, a word ringing around like
temple bells
This is what he spoke, didn't he?
Consciousness went dazed
A dreamlike modified reality
illuminated
After making it through a storm of
fear
Now it seemed good and clear
Fascination and long -suppressed
dreams
Flying around like colourful ribbons
Love demanding and daring arose
From hollows of despair and silent
urges
Young, forgetful heart lured into
what was
being called a bond
Breaking some old threads, wove new
fantasies
Eternal love and soulmates --
showering
delights felt so divine
Then trembling fingers danced on
the
keyboard
Three letters, making a yes
Wraped in the delusions that
everything said
was true and lasting
Commitment, a word she wrote on
her heart
Breathing in a dimension familiar
but new
Believing he will make all her dreams
come
true
Brush away her every deprivation,
heal her
every wound
With a blink of his eyes
Taking her to his colourful world,
where
season of romance never dies
The layout of your poem not good. the poem did not read well.
You talk of a lot of staff in the poem but some of it is not well explained
You have good metaphors. But metaphors mostly go well with good rhyming poems.
May spacing after four lines or three would have made the poem very interesting to read.
You picked a nice topic to talk about, love is always good to read.
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" But metaphors mostly
go well with good rhyming poems." You mean free verse cannot have metaphor? Anyway thanks for the crituque?
