Star-Crossed Lovers

[CameranMorgan]

His lips upon mine,
Like a hot summer night,
Making love
In the pale moonlight,
His eyes staring into mine,
As the stars shine bright
Reflecting in our eyes,
He had asked for one last dance
Before the night came to an end,
Ending up
In the truck bed,
With kisses sending sparks
Flashing across our little sky,
Making two star crossed lovers
Falling in love
In the dead of the night...

Modern Romeo and Juliet

-CM-

It needs work so any advice would be awesome!

[tectak]

His lips upon mine,cc
Like a hot summer night,cc
Making lovec
In the pale moonlight,cccccc
His eyes staring into mine,cc
As the stars shine brightcccccccccc
Reflecting in our eyes,
He had asked for one last dancecc
Before the night came to an end,
Ending up
In the truck bed,
With kisses sending sparks
Flashing across our little sky,
Making two star crossed loverscccc
Falling in lovecccccccccc
In the dead of the night...cccccccccccccccc

Modern Romeo and Juliet

-CM-

It needs work so any advice would be awesome!

Hello cameron,
You choose a difficult subject...much has been written on the theme and so you will find it difficult to avoid cliche...but even so, you have exceeded the cliche per line count with almost fanatical zeal. First suggestion is to look very carefully at each place where I have put a little "c" (or "c's" to express strength of cliche!) and eliminate by ommission or by rephrasing.
Best of luck. You are treading a well worn path.
Best,
tectak

[VisualPoet703]

Love poems are difficult because, as tectak said, they're a well worn path. I don't think that means they shouldn't be written though. I'm in a stint of writing about love myself. So, I understand how hard it is. I would suggest asking yourself some questions:
What made you write this poem? Don't answer simply. Be specific. You speak about a specific moment in your piece- is this biographical? Or were you making up this moment to express a larger feeling?
Why are you choosing to write about this specific moment? Why write about this feeling? Why is it important to YOU specifically?
Has this love lead you to understand something greater about yourself, or the world at large?

A love poem that's generalized and written just for the sake of writing about love, is not that interesting. What makes a love poem interesting is when it's extremely specific, when it's really made to be 'your own'. I think you have something to say. You just need to push it a little further. Have you ever read Linda Pastan's poetry? I'd suggest checking out her love poems and seeing how she makes them 'her own' and interesting. Thanks for sharing!

[billy]

a post has been deleted so as to remove it from a post count. give feedback; do not leave one liners in order to build up a post count/mod

[coolfunboy]

I have mixed feelings about this poem; on the one hand, I think your use of language is very effective at times, but on the other, as has already been said, I can't help but find the subject matter a little bit trite. I think if you took the poem in a more abstract, less representational direction, it could still be successful though.

His lips upon mine,
Like a hot summer night,
Making love
In the pale moonlight[.]
His eyes staring into mine,
As the stars shine bright
Reflecting in our eyes,
He had asked for one last dance
Before the night came to an end,
Ending up
In the truck bed, [Elaborate about this truck bed-- even though you seem to find it magical, there is something definitively unromantic and bleak about sex in a truck bed.]
With kisses sending sparks
Flashing across our little sky,
Making two star crossed lovers
Falling in love
In the dead of the night...

Modern Romeo and Juliet

-CM-

It needs work so any advice would be awesome!

[twinked]

It's commendable that you try to write love poem. As other posters already wrote, this poem is filled with cliches. It could sound good to someone who did not read any love poetry, but when you see few love songs it sounds already seen. If this is related to the specific memory, you could find something really specific about it that makes it special than let's say movie love moments. Then, you try to create imagery around those specific details.
Are you writing this poem for yourself or you'd like to write it for someone in a language that only that person would know it is intended for it and your special moments? In both cases, I'd try to pose the poem in a form such that it would be written in the cipher, using motives and metaphors, such that only one specific person can know that it is aimed at it. As it is written now, many people could find memories that fit into this.

[azure]

His lips upon mine,
Like a hot summer night,
Making love
In the pale moonlight,
His eyes staring into mine,
As the stars shine bright
Reflecting in our eyes,
He had asked for one last dance
Before the night came to an end,
Ending up
In the truck bed,
With kisses sending sparks
Flashing across our little sky,
Making two star crossed lovers
Falling in love
In the dead of the night...

Modern Romeo and Juliet

-CM-

It needs work so any advice would be awesome!

Okay this poem was too cliched for my taste. How eager we are to express experiences of love using language and imagery that has been mutilated to death in a myriad of ways...

For example:


He had asked for one last dance
Before the night came to an end,
Ending up
In the truck bed

These lines need to be redone, so please do not take offense when I say that writing like that will leave many harsh readers quick to judge you and spew venom.. One thing I suggest to novice poets is to read published poetry! Just all kinds, spaning a wide variety of subjects and styles. The classics that are more love driven are fun to draw inspiration from. Like Shakespeare's Sonnets... or say Pablo Neruda. Either way, the more exposure to poetry you get, the more developed your understanding of what is cliche, and what isn't becomes . Keep writing.