To: All the Girls

[yourfellowhuman]

To all the girls
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill
Forgot and left to rot
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open
Skin: soft and naked
Eyes: wrought and sunken
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns
And the dysmorphic body turns

[ThePinsir]

To all the girls
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me equal how? Also, this is kind of a contradiction
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit interesting image. i think you can play witht he ripe fruit image more
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping I wonder what her mouth is open for
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill i really like this line
Forgot and left to rot
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open I don't get the semicolon...
Skin: soft and naked
Eyes: wrought and sunken
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns I hope you brought Burn Heal!
And the dysmorphic body turns what even is this o.O

I think your capitalization and punctuation can use a lot of work.

Besides that, your structure was very original. Me gusta. You have some strong metaphors. If you develop them a bit more I think you can really have something nice!

[Polar Bear]

For me, this poem works because it bothers me. The metaphors speak well and the narrative mirrors my own grief at aging and and life as a species designed to focus on appearances. I don't think I'll take aging gracefully.

I enjoy your novel use of the semicolon and colon in your repeating structure but I also feel it may be too liberal. I'm not suggesting this because the semicolon is out of vogue these days; I'm a fan (although my usage is borderline illiterate).

To all the girls
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill
Forgot and left to rot
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open
Skin: soft and naked
Eyes: wrought and sunken
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns
And the dysmorphic body turns

[beaufort]

Hi,

I found the 6th line, where you inject yourself into the poem, to be rather off-putting and confusing. "We equal, yet I find you more than me everywhere...." doesn't make sense to me. The turning line, "only and always to fall, rolling down the hill" is effective and strong. In line 14 I might say "forgotten and left to rot" rather than "forgot and left to rot". In line 16 - 19 the punctuation can use some work - I read it as "picked and open skin", though I am sure that is not what you mean.

The last few lines - "never mind the world or the hope it beholds your fire......" does this mean "hoping it beholds your fire?"

I would find a replacement word for "dysmorphic", as to me it doesn't fit here. Dysmorphia implies malformation, either genetic or psychosomatic, not body changes due to time taking its course. Maybe something as simple as "and the aging body turns"? You can probably think of something better.

All that having been said, the theme of aging and loss is a common yet significant one that all readers can identify with, and your message is clear. Thanks for the read!

[Speaktaboo]

I love when there is hardly any form. Grammar aside this was a good read. Formless, wild and free. Thank you.

[alatos]

I kinda dig the form personally. But the ending (endings are always the hardest for me) seems to be really off the wall in my opinion. The last line doesn't even make an awful lot of sense to me. Sure I can understand the individual words, but what idea is it conveying?

[teejai]

Perhaps I read it entirely wrong but I thought it was about rape at first and not till the end did I realize it was about aging and the obsession with self beauty in women. The scheme itself appeared to be more of a song in my head but aloud it was rather off putting. I think if rewritten, perhaps spread things out slightly and add a few more lines to make a little more sense and the ending in itself needs to be finalized. It didn't have an impact at the end, unlike the rest of the work. Thanks for sharing though, much appreciated

[billy]

there feels to be a lot of regret in the poem.
i'm on the fence as to whether i like it or not but that's a good thing i think, it sets the reader to actually think about the poem.
after reading it a few times i'm coming down on the side of liking. it's a POV of womanhood that is often missed in all the lovey dovey stuff
at most i think it needs a smallish edit to make it pop just that bit more

thanks for the read.

To all the girls here i'd let the title do it's work instead of it showing twice.
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me, we makes this line seem like african american, i don't see that elsewhere in the poem, would [we're] be more apt?
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement did you mean headline/s?
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit is [all the] needed?
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping the 2nd ready doesn't add anything really is there another [r] word that could be used?
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill
Forgot and left to rot i'd suggest putting this and the line above in their own space as it's a big turning point in the poem.
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open
Skin: soft and naked
Eyes: wrought and sunken
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds is this line needed, it feels to be the weakest of poem and a bit wordy
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns
And the dysmorphic body turns i like the movement and unwanted growth this line conveys.

[sandraleigh05]

We equal, yet I find you more than me........................... We are equal, yet I see you as more than me.
I prefer that but I'm not pro. I love your poem

[blazekitty14]

I like this kind of poetry, free flowing, no restrictions. Just the way I like it.

[ellajam]

I like this kind of poetry, free flowing, no restrictions. Just the way I like it.

Welcome, blazekitty.

This poem is posted in a workshop. Please try to comment on the poem, not its style. What specifically made this poem work for you?

Try to help the poet. Thanks

[QDeathstar]

This poem is phunny and enjoyable. But I find it very scornful and envious.


You pretty bitches, you'll pay.


Is the gist of this poem. Not much to gleen from that, but I'm sure if it were posted on Facebook and shared it at a woman fat camp it would get a lot of likes....

[stajas]

Tough i like the words, I can't get how to read this.. Just me probably..

[expiring_touch]

i liked it
it's very lush and evocative, esp the beginning.i'd tighten up the ending a little bit, because I feel it could be stronger, just the way you started out. kinda goes in line with the whole notion that female energy is the energy metamorphosis)

[bena]

Don't know where you are from---haven't read other crits so I apologize if I repeated but I sang the title "To all the girls I've loved before"....Not sure that's what you wanted.

Would suggest (if it were I) "A letter to Jill"

and perhaps people will get that this is a modern (and more complicated) re-telling of Jack & Jill.

FIx your awkward grammar, and your punctuation ans words like dimorphic...... and this will be a winner.


bena the never-sleeper.

[Erthona]

To all the girls
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready (Be consistent with your punctuation. colon, not semicolon.)
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade? (Should it be "Whatever will you do..." I don't understand why the speaker would include himself)
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill
Forgot and left to rot
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open
Skin: soft and naked (Maybe a more obvious correlation to what you wrote before, that is have the same categories for both in the same order. each item with a colon.)
Eyes: wrought and sunken [b](wrought-->worked, maybe you mean overwrought?)[/b]
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns
And the dysmorphic body turns (I like it ending on rhyming couplets, but I can get little from "dysmorphic body turns".)

I agree with bena (if she'll let me), the title is just too cliche, as one can hardly help thinking of "To all the girls I've loved before".
Also, if the writer is going to use parallelism, the comparisons should be the same:

skin:
eyes:
teeth:

and so on.

It needs a fair amount of work, but it is a decent start.

Dale

[gernseeker]

To all the girls
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill
Forgot and left to rot
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open
Skin: soft and naked
Eyes: wrought and sunken
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns
And the dysmorphic body turns

I'm a big fan of rhythm in poetry and your first lines had me really excited. Have you thought about transforming the middle lines to give them the same energy as the start and finish? This is almost a tribal chant, a mating call - why not play into that and give it a really sexual rhythm throughout?

[KROD]

To all the girls
Tight skinned
Primed; ripe and ready
Teeth: white
Straight eyed
We equal, yet I find you more than me
Everywhere, dazzling
Twinkling, before me
Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?
Like yesterdays headliner, damp, tattered on the pavement
All the strife and worry put upon the ripe fruit
Hands anticipating with mouths open, ready for the reaping
Only and always to fall, rolling down the hill
Forgot and left to rot
So to all the girls
Primped and pearly
Pure; picked and open
Skin: soft and naked
Eyes: wrought and sunken
Never mind the world or the hopes it beholds
Your fire: volcanic and teeming
Since birth and oblivion
Time will show the cracks and burns
And the dysmorphic body turns
[/quote]

I wasn't sure about the meaning/theme of poem because I saw the girls being young and beautiful but wasn't sure what "ripe and ready" referred to. Then "Whatever will we do, when the gazes fade?" pointed me to aging and how difficult that can be: "Forgot and left to rot" "Only and always to fall." I like the play on the words and how it brought a visual image to go with it.

[CameranMorgan]

I really like the metaphors and you could work a little on the punctuation and a little bit on the direction of the story. Otherwise a great piece and an original!

[Mwaba don]

I love poems that rhyme but could you separate the poem with a space according to the style. That is, if it is a quatrain or something like that. I think poems read better when the spacing is shown than reading the whole lot straight. Also, i didn't see the use of the semi colonies. Nice poem overall.