Mama 'Ku

[Tiger the Lion]

crowded bus
pregnant
preoccupied
she gives up her seat

[Keith]

crowded bus
pregnant
preoccupied
she gives up her seat

You have a lot in here that gives the reader clear images without forcing the detail. As a reader I chose to think the person pregnant gave up her seat and then I wondered why she was preoccupied. Again as a reader I chose to think it was because she was pregnant and it was a problem. Just great, a soap opera in four lines. Best Keith

[Tiger the Lion]

crowded bus
pregnant
preoccupied
she gives up her seat

You have a lot in here that gives the reader clear images without forcing the detail. As a reader I chose to think the person pregnant gave up her seat and then I wondered why she was preoccupied. Again as a reader I chose to think it was because she was pregnant and it was a problem. Just great, a soap opera in four lines. Best Keith

Thank you Keith. I can never get away from ambiguity, but I'm working on doing it compact and concise. Your read is encouraging. Further, I am considering...

Crowded Bus

pregnant
preoccupied
she gives up her seat

[danny_]

crowded bus
pregnant
preoccupied
she gives up her seat

i can't quite connect preoccupied. if she had a baby already, definitely. but being pregnant to me means just wanting to sit the heck down and relax. otherwise i got a pretty nifty image and i like it !

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you for reading and commenting here and throughout the site Danny. Good to have you here. I meant "preoccupied" as almost a synonym for pregnant. I wanted her body and her mind pregnant, I also liked the "p" sounds and the form of "occupied". Hope that answers your question and I've not written to abstractly. I'm trying to get away from that.
Paul

[danny_]

ah, i do see it better now. it seems just a tinge abstract, because i wish i knew why she decides to give up her seat. but there is definitely a good vivid picture going on in just a few lines. almost touching, actually. a woman in her state giving a seat to probably some dude who doesn't even care. i wish there was a tiny bit more to understand, but it's still good.

[Tamara]

i liked the second version better. but usually haiku is written without a title so you need to figure out where 'crowded bus' would fit in.

i can't think of the options to make it better. maybe something like:

pregnant and preoccupied
she gives up her seat
crowded bus

or the other way

crowded bus
pregnant and preoccupied
she gives up her seat

[azure]

crowded bus
pregnant
preoccupied
she gives up her seat

I think you should use the second version of this piece, by cutting L1. I like this scene, it sheds light on the beauty of a woman in the process of bringing life into this world. Shes preoccupied with the joys of her unborn child. Noticing that, in our hectic, non-stop society is very vital and important I think. I enjoy your work.

Azure