I Notice

[billy]

good edits so far danny just a few nits for me, which can be used or not as you see fit.
the first line;

a suggestion would be to flesh it out in order to grip the reader just that little quicker. an example;

Pen strokes roll over pages
like waves across oceans

i actually have to say wow. i think you're doing an admirable job so far. i'd say one more edit and then leave it alone for a month or two.

thank you:
Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd, makeshift, ellajam

Revision 5
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The choppy surface claps
far out to hazed shores. would hazy work better, [just a question]

Carried on the salty wind, no need for [the]
you are a whisper through the window screen;
escaping as the last light does
from notice. not sure this works well enough to keep for me it weakens the read

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside, would a semi colon separate the clauses better?
listening as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

[Todd]

Hi danny,

To me, these comments are mostly just preference at this stage.

Don't be afraid to keep every edit that you do in the thread. Don't worry if it's long it shows evolution. Alternately, you could simply note below the current revision as footnotes what the major changes were. Just thoughts.

To the poem, I prefer the last revisions chop to choppy surface. Chop is a cool word. It conveys a lot with economy.

Faint moon I guess is fine though I doubt you need faint. There may be a better way to express faint if you choose to keep it (not through an adjective but some phrasing that either conveys distance or dimness.

Like I said though those are just style preferences. The poem may be "done"--as much as any of them are.

I think you've done a fine job evaluated the critiques and staying with your intent.

Best,

Todd

thank you:
Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd, makeshift, ellajam

Revision 5
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The choppy surface claps
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside,
listening as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

[danny_]

thanks billy, i was also debating "hazy".

i'm going to fiddle with a word or two, then leave it for now.

thanks todd, i think i will keep the stages next time, or just note the changes.

[bena]

I've stumbled upon this a bit late and you are doing remarkably well in your revisions. I think the only criticism I may have at this point is the use of the word "notice" so close in proximity in such a minimalistic piece (plus in the title) Just a thought.

Really lovely work, and a wonderful progression of clarifying.

bena (aka mel)

[danny_]

heya bena, thanks for the comment. you're right. i've been through two stages for writing a short poem. first was doing the dance where the title is always the first line of the poem. but then i flung that idea and tried to make sense with the title wrapping the poem together. titles on short pieces are makin' me scratch my whiskers.. except i just shaved. but a very worthwhile notice on your part. maybe one day i'll get struck by lightning and have an excellent solution.