I Notice

[danny_]

thank you:
Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd, makeshift, ellajam, billy

Revision 5b
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The chop gently claps
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside.
You listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Revision 5a
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The choppy surface claps
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner,
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside,
listening as you write,
watched by a faint moon.

Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

[Wjames]

little something i wrote this afternoon. feeling the end needs work. not sure about the title, either. welcoming full crit. slap it around some.


I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings "rock-sitting many evenings" is strange. I think "on rock-sitting evenings" would be better. "Many" is implied by evenings being plural.
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land Why do some lines begin with a capital and others not seemingly arbitrarily? Why is the whole poem one sentence (you only have one period at the end of the poem)? I think it would make sense for a period to be after lonely. All of this makes this stanza hard to read, and instead of searching for meaning in the words, I'm forced to insert my own punctuation into the poem, and then look for meaning.

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in perhaps "through" would be better than "in"; I'm also left to wonder "what whisper?"
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice I don't think "any particular" adds anything.

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs When I think of sea-towering cliffs, I tend to think of waves crashing into them, making a noise. You might be able to find a better image to represent silence.

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

Just my thoughts as I read the poem. I think you could come up with a better title, I'm generally not a fan of titles that are in the poem (even though I've written some poems that have them). I think a better title might be something like "You notice"; as it seems to me the poem is about the narrator noticing the way someone else takes-in the world around them. Of course my interpretation could be completely "wrong", and you should do what you feel is best for your own writing. I have no problem with the ending, by the way.

[danny_]

thank you much for taking the time. it's a poem i probably didn't give enough attention before slapping it up here (wrote it same day). all the same, i always get more from the critique than i think i will.

about punctuation. i just don't like lots of periods sometimes, so i just start capital on what would normally be a new sentence. (even then i think i messed that up in S1) anyone else who cares to crit, if you would let me know what you think about the need for periods. some people don't use them but maybe in the style i'm writing they would be better.

besides that this poem probably could be clearer in meaning and use more poetic devices. (now i am critiquing my own work )

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Danny. Just a quick comment about punctuation, since you asked. Number one, in most cases it is helpful to the reader. Why would you not want to help your reader most clearly understand your thoughts. Secondly, if you choose to forgo the punctuation, it needs to be a clean break - you can't just punctuate when you feel like it. There are some genius examples that would prove this wrong - but not many. - Paul

[danny_]

Hey Danny. Just a quick comment about punctuation, since you asked. Number one, in most cases it is helpful to the reader. Why would you not want to help your reader most clearly understand your thoughts. Secondly, if you choose to forgo the punctuation, it needs to be a clean break - you can't just punctuate when you feel like it. There are some genius examples that would prove this wrong - but not many. - Paul

yes, i agree. and after i read your comment i went into a current collection of mine and added periods.

[zahrakh]

Hi. Nice composition

" Dark clouds hang around, lonely."
Perhaps,
Lonely dark clouds hand around,

" A choppy surface meets vague
and distant forms of land."
The line break here is little odd.
Consider this
A choppy surface
meets vague and distant form of land

[danny_]

thank you zahrakh, both good points

Hi. Nice composition

" Dark clouds hang around, lonely."
Perhaps,
Lonely dark clouds hand around,

" A choppy surface meets vague
and distant forms of land."
The line break here is little odd.
Consider this
A choppy surface
meets vague and distant form of land

[ThePinsir]

I Notice
Loose pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings. I don't even know what rock-sitting means. Maybe I'm weird.
Warm, salmon sky.
Dark clouds hang around, lonely. Can you have dark clouds while the sky is salmon colored?
A choppy surface meets vague
and distant forms of land.

Carried on the salty wind, I like the salty imagery
you are a whisper in the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes, what is it!?
quiet as the rolling seaside.

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

You notice something in his/her eyes. Something quiet. I want to know what.

[danny_]

thanks for your comments, ThePinsir. the images were actually partly inspired from a photo. maybe i didn't paint it very well with words, but there was definitely a salmon sky with the occasional dark and lonely cloud hanging about. what is in her eyes? basically just saying (trying to say) i see who she is, the inner person, whereas others may not. rock-sitting; just meant on the evenings she goes out and finds a rock to sit on and write. thanks again, this isn't really a finished poem but in the molding process still.

(revision 2 posted)

I Notice
Loose pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings. I don't even know what rock-sitting means. Maybe I'm weird.
Warm, salmon sky.
Dark clouds hang around, lonely. Can you have dark clouds while the sky is salmon colored?
A choppy surface meets vague
and distant forms of land.

Carried on the salty wind, I like the salty imagery
you are a whisper in the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes, what is it!?
quiet as the rolling seaside.

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

You notice something in his/her eyes. Something quiet. I want to know what.

[Todd]

Hi Danny, I've come late to this. The revision is an improvement. The longer lines feel less choppy, and the line breaks feel less arbitrary. Let me give you some comments on the latest revision:

welcoming full crit.

thank you: Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir

Revision 2
I Notice
Loose pen strokes roll like ocean waves--I see someone sketching or writing looking out at the ocean. I like the simile as it may imply cursive script or some calligraphy. I don't like "loose". If the image doesn't convey what you need, and the modifier is needed you have the wrong image. Possible, though I think you just have an unneeded modifier
on rock-sitting evenings.
A few dark clouds hang about,
lonely in the warm salmon sky.--This reminds me a bit of Wordsworth I wandered lonely as a cloud. In this case though, I don't feel that the first line leads to the lonely observation in the second line. Hang about or hang around in the earlier version feels a bit weak. The phrasing is nice in the lines, but it feels imprecise. Is there a way the image could imply dark clouds without having to tell us? Can the salmon sky be warm without telling us that its warm?
A choppy surface meets vague
and distant forms of land.--This feels like it's screaming out for an image. Not trying to rewrite and the illustration may not be good but hoping for clarity of what I mean: " A choppy surface meets a vague/paint smear of horizon(or land or water)...anything vague distant forms is well too vague

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper in the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice you,
quiet as the rolling seaside.

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

I think I'll hold back given more as this is Mild. That said, consider eliminated modifiers and working with the imagery more.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[danny_]

thank you Todd, quite a good crit. agree with everything, really, and posted a revision (3rd). this is really getting molded like clay and taking better form, but most importantly teaching me to be aware of things i normally am not. if the poem never is any good i at least learned a lot.

[Todd]

Hey Danny, I think its getting better. I want to be cautious not to over comment and warp your intent with the piece, but here goes:

welcoming full crit.

thank you: Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd

Revision 3
I Notice
Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings;
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.--to me, this opening reads much better with the modifiers minimized. Also the semi colon above doesn't work as the coal-gray line is not an independent clause (no verb).
A choppy surface meets a distant--I'd still look for ways to incorporate distant without mentioning it. If you can't you can't but it's worth the attempt.
hazed stroke of land.--I think this is an improvement but I don't really like the repetition of stroke. It could be that you are trying to tie the rhythm of the writing or art to the landscape--which could be valid I guess, but my initial reaction to stroke was that it came across as repetitive but not to good effect.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;--love the consonance here
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does--this is a nice line break.
from notice.

But I notice you,--I would be tempted to emphasize notice more by dropping you down a line and breaking the line earlier.
quiet as the rolling seaside.--Maybe a substitute for rolling as it again is repetitive given line 1. The line here is solid but would probably benefit from a substitute word

Reflective,
anchored and steady--Hate this sequence. Three characteristics that are not shown only told to us. The poem would be stronger if you simply cut those two lines and let the poem end with the final two--which are good.
you listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.

Just some thoughts

Best,

Todd

[danny_]

Todd, everything you said resonates as true. i'm embarrassed to write "revision 4", though, pretty soon it will be #25.
(posted revision)
only problem i might have with latest is "chop gently claps" is kinda rough in your mouth...

[Todd]

I have some poems with over a hundred revisions. I wouldn't let it worry you.

---

Just read the revision,

"The chop" is a solid word choice. I like the alliteration in that line.

I can't think of any other immediate revisions.

You've made some interesting choices, and it feels like the poem is improved by them.

[makeshift]

Your poem has a calm and delicate atmosphere that I enjoyed, left my 2cents below. Thnx for sharing ^^

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves This kinda reminds me of chinese ink paintings, I like it.
on rock-sitting evenings, I wonder if maybe a comma isnt the best punctuation here
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky. These colors r pretty together
The chop gently claps for me chop is a bit too violent with gently
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen; The image here is nice and the sentence is real smooth to say, which works with the ambience and all. ^^
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside.
You listen as you write, you could probably drop one you between these two lines. Im guessing the emphasis is intentional, but im not sure how i feel about it.
watched by a faint moon.

[ellajam]

Hi, danny, nice edit. A few points below.

welcoming full crit.

thank you: Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd

Revision 4
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky. I think of coal as black, graphite is a possibility, gray and relating back to writing.
The chop gently claps
far out to hazed shores. I think you could find something more interesting than hazed.

Carried on the salty wind, Possibly saline instead of salty.
you are a whisper through the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner I can't relate this line to the one above and below, and it's cliche. I think the poem would gain from losing it.
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside.
You listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

Good work here.

[danny_]

thank you ellajam, makeshift.
some comments i agree with, some i really couldn't, if you'll pardon my stubbornness. i made some changes after some consideration, thank you again.
(revision 5 posted)

[ellajam]

thank you ellajam, makeshift.
some comments i agree with, some i really couldn't, if you'll pardon my stubbornness. i made some changes after some consideration, thank you again.
(revision 5 posted)

It's your poem, it's assumed that you will sort through the comments and use them or not based on your own vision for it. Nothing wrong with being stubborn about doing what you think is best.

[billy]

that's the whole idea of how to use the feedback given. the thing to look out for though is this; if everyone says "this is wrong, or this doesn't make sense/work"
the odds are it's wrong or doesn't make sense.

thank you ellajam, makeshift.
some comments i agree with, some i really couldn't, if you'll pardon my stubbornness. i made some changes after some consideration, thank you again.
(revision 5 posted)

[ellajam]

Ha, I've had a chorus telling me a word was wrong more than once and though it may have been wrong, to me it was still right for my poem. It's good to think hard and long on those points but still it remains the poet's choice.

Nice edit, danny

that's the whole idea of how to use the feedback given. the thing to look out for though is this; if everyone says "this is wrong, or this doesn't make sense/work"
the odds are it's wrong or doesn't make sense.

thank you ellajam, makeshift.
some comments i agree with, some i really couldn't, if you'll pardon my stubbornness. i made some changes after some consideration, thank you again.
(revision 5 posted)