09-03-2014, 02:58 PM
(09-03-2014, 06:50 AM)white137 Wrote: Desire
From dust to dust we walk the earth in search of true desire, /we search for desire? Doesn't desire lead us to search for what it is we desire?
To roll around in dark and sweat with tease to build the fire./ this sentence makes little sense grammatically..sweat with tease??
I’ve found my lover and search no more. She drives me mad with lust./ Is it love or lust? You call her a lover, but then the employment of lust makes your love seem less genuine and more physically driven, which may or may not be your point.
We tangle tight and writhe as one, to please her is a must.
Tiny hips and wavy hair, her blue eyes captivate.
Her juicy lips and firm tight ass, my thoughts to masturbate.
Nipples hard on which to suck, her moan pervades the air.
My tongue to find the wet trimmed prize, her mouth begins to swear.
With heavy breath she makes me high. I crave her sultry tone.
Her fingernails, they cut my skin and mark me as her own.
An arching back, a foul-mouthed scream, an all-consuming shiver.
Satisfaction found at last. Desire, the ultimate giver. / I'm going to go ahead and assert my own personal opinion here: this is a extremely crude. I'm not sure a reader, any reader, would enjoy reading these lines. It's just overly vulgar and void of good taste..remember it's a poem not a porno
I'm sorry if my criticism seems harsh, but I couldn't help it. If you really love this girl, do her justice. What you have here is just a pornographic piece of writing that happens to have a rhyme scheme. Try playing with some metaphor and enjambment, really broaden your skill set. Just keep at it.
