Quang Ngai, 1968

[bob68]

In this geometry of a dream
I'm back where the sun,
a monstrous orb
pours savage light
through rockweed.

Starlings like gray halos
circle then arrow
into mangroves.

Across Zone D
drowned children float -
like creosoted planks
from a detonated pier.

"I am Jehovah's boy, I cry,"
but 'maybe now,'
I'll be next.

Round every tug and snap of bamboo
along each smoking mile
'maybe now,'
tamps against my psyche.

From the hills,
a black Chinook
slashes sky.

We wait till twilight leans
upon gun metal;
ready to breach the VC hut
as a nerve inside each man whispers,
'maybe now.'

[billy]

well bob?

i really enjoyed the images of the Vietnam war you lent us within the poem. it wasn't bloody and it wasn't crash bang wallop, it felt (whether it was or was not) personal. it had good good original simile that worked really well the creosoted planks stanza was almost harrowing the only thing that didn't really work for me was the "Jehovah aside" it just felt out of place with narrator's voice.

good stuff.

In this geometry of a dream
I'm back where the sun, is this line really needed?
a monstrous orb
pours savage light
through rockweed. good opening stanza apart from the 2nd line

Starlings like gray halos
circle then arrow
into mangroves. another good stanza, the image works, i can see what you mean. it's all so original

Across Zone D
drowned children float - no need for the dash
like creosoted planks
from a detonated pier. i had to google the title and that's fine, the reader should sometimes be made to work] good sharp simile

"I am Jehovah's boy, I cry,"
but 'maybe now,'
I'll be next. this stanza does nothing for me as the reader it feel [too] personal

Round every tug and snap of bamboo
along each smoking mile
'maybe now,'
tamps against my psyche. a nice image of fear and well connected to the title in at least a couple of ways.

From the hills,
a black Chinook
slashes sky. this short vignette works well

We wait till twilight leans great image, good enjambment [ though others may not agree with me on the enjambment
upon gun metal;
ready to breach the VC hut
as a nerve inside each man whispers, no need for [as]
'maybe now.' would this be better on its own line?

[bob68]

well bob?

i really enjoyed the images of the Vietnam war you lent us within the poem. it wasn't bloody and it wasn't crash bang wallop, it felt (whether it was or was not) personal. it had good good original simile that worked really well the creosoted planks stanza was almost harrowing the only thing that didn't really work for me was the "Jehovah aside" it just felt out of place with narrator's voice.

good stuff.

In this geometry of a dream
I'm back where the sun, is this line really needed?
a monstrous orb
pours savage light
through rockweed. good opening stanza apart from the 2nd line

Starlings like gray halos
circle then arrow
into mangroves. another good stanza, the image works, i can see what you mean. it's all so original

Across Zone D
drowned children float - no need for the dash
like creosoted planks
from a detonated pier. i had to google the title and that's fine, the reader should sometimes be made to work] good sharp simile

"I am Jehovah's boy, I cry,"
but 'maybe now,'
I'll be next. this stanza does nothing for me as the reader it feel [too] personal

Round every tug and snap of bamboo
along each smoking mile
'maybe now,'
tamps against my psyche. a nice image of fear and well connected to the title in at least a couple of ways.

From the hills,
a black Chinook
slashes sky. this short vignette works well

We wait till twilight leans great image, good enjambment [ though others may not agree with me on the enjambment
upon gun metal;
ready to breach the VC hut
as a nerve inside each man whispers, no need for [as]
'maybe now.' would this be better on its own line?

Thanks Billy for commenting.

[justcloudy]

Hi Bob,

The tone of this look back in time is sharp but removed. The story is detailed but global. Beautiful work.

Just some thoughts---

I read "drowned children" at first as "downed children", which actually I like better. But maybe you don't. Ties in with the helicopters later though.

I didn't really understand why "maybe now" was always written 'maybe now'. It was distracting.

Also, I agree with billy about the Jehovah stanza -- in a way it's obvious (not me God, not me!), but it's also confusing (why Jehovah? Too specific of a name, which again is distracting).

I think you could do more with this line:
Round every tug and snap of bamboo
Bamboo doesn't really tug, and there's an opportunity for a double meaning with round.

I hope you work on this one a bit more, it's already powerful and has the potential for a lot more punch. Well done.

-justcloudy