"Hero"

[simmon]

(Origianl)
Let's hail to our Hero!
We sing, we praise, and we fight for him!
For the sake of children… for the sake of tomorrow…
Our heart is given, to the glorious one.

It's not a vote that we give, but it is our trust!
Our hands cover in blood! Our body falls to the ground!
We dream about hope, yet wake up in the darker day…
Oh, how foolish we are… to fight for nothing.

Now that we remember… about the day we forget…
Our enemies… once we were brothers…
Such a sin we’ve commit… this regret which we’ve bare…
All this for glorious one, who don't give a damn!

==========

1st edit

We hail to our Hero!
We sing, we praise, and we fight for him!
For the sake of children, for the sake of tomorrow…
Our heart is given, to the glorious one.

It is not the vote that we give, but it is our trust!
Our hands covered in blood! Our bodies fall to the ground!
We dream about hope, yet wake up in a darker day…
What a fool we are… to fight for nothing.

Back in the past, our lives are tough.
We work like mule… yet starved at night…
Somehow we smile, we laugh, and we survive…
With neighbor to share… there is no complain…

Now hero came! Declare for change!
We follow him in trust and faith!
With gun in hand, we claim “righteous”!
Who block our path must not be live!

Our neighbor fall… the sense take place…
This is the change to rage and chaos!
Such a sin we’ve committed… this regret which we’ve born…
All this for glorious one… who don't give a damn.

[ellajam]

Hi Simmon, welcome.

I understand that English is not your first language. I'd like to suggest that you run your work through a grammar checker.

Your subject is relevant in today's world, but you need to use language and technique in a new and fresh way to make your poem distinctive. I placed a few notes below.

Let's hail to our Hero!
We sing, we praise, and we fight for him!
For the sake of children… for the sake of tomorrow…
Our heart is given, to the glorious one.
This is clear with reasonable phrasing.

It's not a vote that we give, but it is our trust!
Our hands cover in blood! Our body falls to the ground!
We dream about hope, yet wake up in the darker day…
Oh, how foolish we are… to fight for nothing.
Our hands covered. Our bodies fall.

Now that we remember… about the day we forget…
Our enemies… once we were brothers…
Such a sin we’ve commit… this regret which we’ve bare…
All this for glorious one, who don't give a damn!
Too many ellipses. The day we forgot (what day?). Either We commit or we've committed, same with We bare or we've born, (I think, , I'm no expert.)

Concept wise, it seems to be a religious believer who has lost his faith. How has his experience with war led him to this? For me, the poem needs to be clearer and deeper.

Thanks for the read, glad to have you here.

[Bunx]

I think the theme of this poem is the nature of war and death. Really enjoyed how you reflected the hero's care of those who died for him. Good read thanks for the post!

[simmon]

Thank You Ellajam and Bunx! This is my very first english poem, so i am quite worry.

It is true that this poem is about war, but the people did not fight any foreign enemy. In fact, they fight with their own neighbors or people with the same religion and nationality.

This is the result of two political parties in a certain country. Both side possess powerful charismatic, and since that country have several political issue for a long time, those two groups almost like a savior to them. There are many time when people compare the leader of each parties with historical or mythical hero. However, it is only natural that those politicians did not fight for people, and things start to get so ugly to the point where many people die from fighting with police, military, and people who stand for another party.

That why I mention about "the vote", "The day we forgot ", and i use the word "glorious" since the heroes (or hero for the guy in the poem) possess kind of spiritual value in some people point of view.

For now, I will run some grammar check with a friend who good in this area. Again, thank you for the comments. I am truely appreciate, since I am very new to english pome. Therefore, your comments are more than welcome. ^ ^

PS. I may not be able to contribute much to this site for now due to my lack of experience, but I will try to get improve little by little.

[PHTj]

I like this. Being a military veteran myself, I can relate to this. Keep up the good work and polish it. I look forward to reading your next edit.

[ellajam]

Thank You Ellajam and Bunx! This is my very first english poem, so i am quite worry.

It is true that this poem is about war, but the people did not fight any foreign enemy. In fact, they fight with their own neighbors or people with the same religion and nationality.

This is the result of two political parties in a certain country. Both side possess powerful charismatic, and since that country have several political issue for a long time, those two groups almost like a savior to them. There are many time when people compare the leader of each parties with historical or mythical hero. However, it is only natural that those politicians did not fight for people, and things start to get so ugly to the point where many people die from fighting with police, military, and people who stand for another party.

That why I mention about "the vote", "The day we forgot ", and i use the word "glorious" since the heroes (or hero for the guy in the poem) possess kind of spiritual value in some people point of view.

For now, I will run some grammar check with a friend who good in this area. Again, thank you for the comments. I am truely appreciate, since I am very new to english pome. Therefore, your comments are more than welcome. ^ ^

PS. I may not be able to contribute much to this site for now due to my lack of experience, but I will try to get improve little by little.

Hi again. Instead of explaining your poem you may want to think about how to edit it so that it more clearly achieves your goal.

Giving critique is necessary if you want to use this site. Maybe you could run some poems through an online translator, think about them and then comment.

I like this. Being a military veteran myself, I can relate to this. Keep up the good work and polish it. I look forward to reading your next edit.

Hi PHTj, glad to have you here, but your comment does nothing to help the op with his next edit. In the important threads section of this forum are a few threads to help you with critiques. It is a skill of it own and fun to learn. Please try to improve.

ella/mod

[danny_]

Let's hail to our Hero!
We sing, we praise, and we fight for him!
For the sake of children… for the sake of tomorrow…
Our heart is given, to the glorious one.

It's not a vote that we give, but it is our trust!
Our hands cover in blood! Our body falls to the ground!
We dream about hope, yet wake up in the darker day…
Oh, how foolish we are… to fight for nothing.

Now that we remember… about the day we forget…
Our enemies… once we were brothers…
Such a sin we’ve commit… this regret which we’ve bare…
All this for glorious one, who don't give a damn!

lot of feeling, lot of disdain for being misled and regret for terrible acts.

if this is about a specific war or ongoing conflict, maybe the title could be specific too. then at least people who are familiar with the conflict will relate to this poem quite easily.

either way, it would be nice to see some more specifics in the poem. but very good poem for a second language. keep going.

[billy]

try and be specific, flesh it out and

As a novice poet;


try not to use words or phrases that mean little, love, hope, hate, emotions etc
try to tell the poem with imagery, use a simile or metaphor, use other poetic device. All of which can be found here.

what is written could have been written with a very few lines and have more impact.

Let's hail to our Hero! who his the [hero] and what did he do and did [why] he do it. No need for [let's]
We sing, we praise, and we fight for him! for who?
For the sake of children… for the sake of tomorrow…
Our heart is given, to the glorious one. who is [the one?]

It's not a vote that we give, but it is our trust! no need for [it is]
Our hands cover in blood! Our body falls to the ground!
We dream about hope, yet wake up in the darker day… what does hope mean, tell us what is hoped
Oh, how foolish we are… to fight for nothing.

Now that we remember… about the day we forget…
Our enemies… once we were brothers…
Such a sin we’ve commit… this regret which we’ve bare…
All this for glorious one, who don't give a damn!

[ellajam]

Hello, I try to make my poem clearer, so i add more lines to make sure that reader will get more ideas. However, I feel that my first one is somewhat better, so would you mind to take a look at my draft? When I get a grip for idea, I will finish it and have a grammar check with my friend, since i don't want to keep bugging him. ^ ^)"

PS. I don't really want to be specific about where it take place. After all, I may not truly understand the situation, but from what i learn from local and news, this should be general idea for what going on.

"Hero"

We hail to our Hero!
We sing, we praise, and we fight for him!
For the sake of children, for the sake of tomorrow…
Our heart is given, to the glorious one.

It is not the vote that we give, but it is our trust!
Our hands covered in blood! Our bodies fall to the ground!
We dream about hope, yet wake up in a darker day…
What a fool we are… to fight for nothing.

Back in the past, our lives are tough.
We work like mule… yet starved at night…
Somehow we smile, we laugh, and we survive…
With neighbor to share… there is no complain…

Now hero came! Declare for change!
We follow him in trust and faith!
With gun in hand, we claim “righteous”!
Who block our path must not be live!

Our neighbor fall… the sense take place…
This is the change to rage and chaos!
Such a sin we’ve committed… this regret which we’ve born…
All this for glorious one… who don't give a damn.

Hi again. I'll be back to comment when I've had a chance to read your edit, but if you do some reading in the workshops you'll see that the preferred way to post an edit is to hit the "Edit" button on your original post, label your first draft as original, then place your new version above it. This method places your current version first so that new readers critique the correct one.

A grammar checker is a bit of software that underlines incorrect grammar and gives you suggestions. It is available in most word processors although it may need to be turned on. Google and download or check your settings.
Mine has underlined the suggestions I gave you. Oops.