Fat

[Willpark]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

[QDeathstar]

swim thinks she should find some a black man who loves bbw.

I thought the poem was concise, to the point and affective. It flows nice, and I enjoyed the fact that the poem takes the shape of a nice round fat ass.

Lines 1-4 make up the back
line 5 - 10 make up the top of the ass
lines 11-14 are the lower ass
after that we have the thighs.


so, I'm not sure if that is intentional, but i enjoyed it.


Hard
and horny
and ready.
Waiting
for just once chance to enter
Your friends lovely and voluptuous
bosom. Tell her if she's lonely
I can
occupy her
emptiness
now.



^^^ Im a stubby

[Willpark]

swim thinks she should find some a black man who loves bbw.

I thought the poem was concise, to the point and affective. It flows nice, and I enjoyed the fact that the poem takes the shape of a nice round fat ass.

Lines 1-4 make up the back
line 5 - 10 make up the top of the ass
lines 11-14 are the lower ass
after that we have the thighs.


so, I'm not sure if that is intentional, but i enjoyed it.


Hard
and horny
and ready.
Waiting
for just once chance to enter
Your friends lovely and voluptuous
bosom. Tell her if she's lonely
I can
occupy her
emptiness
now.



^^^ Im a stubby

Um...ok. Also, I'm pretty sure it was intentional, but I thought it was supposed to be a stomach.

[QDeathstar]

Will you be sending her my reply?

[ray]

I think your friend should try thinking about how this might be made more poetic. The 4th line is rather nice, but the rest is just thinking aloud, with little attempt at any craft. Or so it seems to me.

[ellajam]

Hi, Will. I think if your friend would like critique she should do what the rest of us do, read some poems, critique five in the workshops and become a full member. It's free and fun, she might want to consider it.

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

[tectak]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

Hello,
I am writing this crit on behalf of my friend tectak. Tectak does not wish to be over critical of the piece as he is a nice chap and does not like to offend.
After some discussion I have deduced that my friend thinks that you, or rather your friend, should stop capitalising (quote) every bloody line (unquote) as it is intensely annoying, faux-poetic, outdated, outmoded, confusing and indicative of a desire to be seen as a poet above any other attributes which may be considered quintessential in the poetic endeavour. He is a one, that tectak. He even has the affrontery to suggest that your friend's punctuation is somewhat lacking in technical exactitude...whatever that, means.
Anyway, about the poem, and I do this so that you don't have to, I can report that my friend tectak says that the concept is a good one and has merit. Furthermore, some of the expressed thoughts are perspicacious in the extreme and show a depth of understanding which almost makes one believe that your friend really is fat...can you imagine that?
Could you advise your friend, my friend tectak says, that she should really join the pp and help other fat...er...no...I think he means poetically aspirant...people to improve their work by critting others friend's work.
best,
tectak's friend
...oh...tectak also says that if your friend really want to make a good poem out of this your friend should consider using more imagery and less pointless "shaping" of the piece. He is a bugger, my friend tectak.

[ChristopherSea]

My friend thinks that tick-tacks friend is rather funny or maybe it's the other way around.

...but seriously, the poem needs a central metaphor to build that ass or stomach around, as well as a better effort in depicting the body part.

[milo]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

The poem is mostly terrible. It is like a teenage girl body-image campaign instead of a poem and reads very trite and cliche. Instead of giving specifics and imagery we get vague generalities and a ton of abstractions:

void, abyss, joy, happiness,hollowness, things, darkness, self, hunger, boredom, thirst, loneliness, desertion, alienation, emptiness, emptiness, pain - these are all abstractions and should be avoided or used sparingly in poetry, not piled high.

Tell your friend to eat a pack of Twinkies and find an original way to describe the creamy filling that doesn't involve sex.

[QDeathstar]

Thirst is an abstraction?

[milo]

Thirst is an abstraction?

yes.

can you eat a thirst sandwich? Can you fill your box with thirst and mail it? How much does thirst weigh? How much force does it take to push a thirst up a hill?

[QDeathstar]

i have a thirst.

0 1

---

my mouth was dry as fresh linens pulled from an overheated dryer.

i have a thirst.

hmm.

[milo]

i have a thirst.

0 1

---

my mouth was dry as fresh linens pulled from an overheated dryer.

i have a thirst.

hmm.

If something exists strictly as a concept (like thirst) it is an abstraction.

[PHTj]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

I can sense and even feel her pain. It's not particularly poetic nor does it flow, but that in and of itself makes a statement to the disarray in her life. I believe she has made her point but a good polish on it is needed

[Bleumeon]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

Now I'm no expert critic, simply a new member wanting to post my work. That said I like the concept of the poem, but I feel that it doesn't really flow. Like line 4-5, it feels kinda choppy. Conceptually a good poem though, just need to find ways to make it flow and connect better.

[alatos]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

Interesting. I think it would be nice for her to explore a little more the source of this pain that drives her to eat? Or define it more clearly? Maybe a concrete image or an analogy? Seeing as it is the driving force behind the poem, it needs to be understood. Just saying things like "loneliness and desertion and alienation" may be accurate to what she is feeling, but it would be better to show us exactly what that feels like.

[simmon]

If your friend want to keep belly shape, how about make it a graphical type of work with a hint of rhyme? In that case, i think you should make it into image file to make sure that the shape don't go bad (due to software and operation system).

I like the concept of your work, but personally, I think dark and serious expression are not very compatible with overall idea. well... only my option anyway ^ ^)"

[zahrakh]

Personally I liked this piece. It is a nice cathartic poem. At the start, They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
She eats much and this is the reason she is obese, so they call her fat just because she eats doesn't sound right.
And there are some awkward line breaks, like
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up
from

here breaking line at "I" feels wrong, it could be

Hollowness that devours all things inside of me,
I eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up
1from

Tell your friend she should keep writing because she is talented.

[CameranMorgan]

Love this poem. This how I feel but I'm trying to overcome two eating disorders. Now that I'm eating like I should I've gained weight and people don't like me because of it. They try and put me on diets knowing that the more they say the more times I relapse... I wish people would just leave well enough alone. But I relate to this poem. Tell her she did a good job!

You are welcome to PM this type of comment to the OP but any thread in this forum is for critique of the poem. Please read the rules and threads on giving critique, then try again. Thanks/mod

[VisualPoet703]

The poem is concise, as someone else mentioned, and I like that. I would work on grammar/structuring. For example, she has written:

"They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss"

That reads as one long continuous thought, with only a second for breath between line breaks. I think the poem would be more impactful if she would add punctuation that causes the reader to pause.
Such as something like this:

"They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat. (period added)
I eat to fill the void, (comma added)
To level the abyss. (period added)"

She should read it out loud and mark where she takes breaths and pauses. Then, add punctuation.