Aging Aubade (edit 1, billy)

[ellajam]

Young lovers stay in bed till noon,
the morning used to heal the night
spent eye to eye or in a spoon
each touch and glance a hot delight,
no thought to sleep, flesh firm and bright
responsive to each stroke and whim.
But old folk wake at warning light,
conveniently our sight still dim.
We kiss before dawn's song is sung,
and with our morning wash each day
we pluck the errant hair that sprung
up as we snored the night away.
So one last squeeze this early morn
before we put our glasses on.







To quote Ray: Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified.
As always, all critique welcomed.

[billy]

god i feel old great effort ella. i got stuck a little with conveniently though the half rhyme (almost) does work well in the couplet.

[ellajam]

god i feel old great effort ella. i got stuck a little with conveniently though the half rhyme (almost) does work well in the couplet.

You're right on conveniently, I don't know what I did when I put it together, but that line's screwed now. I'll look through the scraps of paper I pulled out of my bag and fix it. And I often screw the couplet, I think of that first then tend to just let it be,

Thanks for the read. Life would suck without the laughter.

[rayheinrich]

You put this in "fun"!!!
Interminably protracted marriages are nothing to make fun of!
The members of these packs with Satan should be apotheosized
for their dauntless determination, their gallant grit, their herculean
efforts, their agonizing endurance. Where sane, sensible people
possessing a modicum of intelligence would have run screaming;
these humble (if somewhat dull, naive, and foolish) captives
manage, like oxen, to pull their vexatious loads for untold
years. They are like rocks, very much like rocks, round fleshy
rocks that have grown hair. But one needs not continue. Having
witnessed such a thing at close hand, I can only bitterly cry and
curse the dæmons who contrived this cruel punishment.

(Though, it must be said, attempting to live with six cats is far worse.)


P.S. This poem, especially:

...
We kiss before dawn's song is sung,
and with our morning wash each day
we pluck the errant hair that sprung
up as we snored the night away.
So one last squeeze this early morn
before we put our glasses on.

Is wonderful, clever, loving, and true.

[ellajam]

You put this in "fun"!!!
Interminably protracted marriages are nothing to make fun of!
The members of these packs with Satan should be apotheosized
for their dauntless determination, their gallant grit, their herculean
efforts, their agonizing endurance. Where sane, sensible people
possessing a modicum of intelligence would have run screaming;
these humble (if somewhat dull, naive, and foolish) captives
manage, like oxen, to pull their vexatious loads for untold
years. They are like rocks, very much like rocks, round fleshy
rocks that have grown hair. But one needs not continue. Having
witnessed such a thing at close hand, I can only bitterly cry and
curse the dæmons who contrived this cruel punishment.

(Though, it must be said, attempting to live with six cats is far worse.)


P.S. This poem, especially:

...
We kiss before dawn's song is sung,
and with our morning wash each day
we pluck the errant hair that sprung
up as we snored the night away.
So one last squeeze this early morn
before we put our glasses on.

Is wonderful, clever, loving, and true.

Ha, when I was single five years ago a friend suggested I date twenty years younger. It's lucky I didn't follow his advice, tough five years. I have six years on my guy, but he's more beat up and his near vision stinks.

[tectak]

Young lovers stay in bed til noon,
the morning used to heal the night
spent eye to eye or in a spoon
each touch and glance a hot delight,
no thought to sleep, flesh firm and bright
responsive to each stroke and whim.
But old folk wake at warning light,
conveniently our sight still dim.
We kiss before dawn's song is sung,
and with our morning wash each day
we pluck the errant hair that sprung
up as we snored the night away.
So one last squeeze this early morn
before we put our glasses on.







To quote Ray: Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified.
As always, all critique welcomed.

Ella....first class. Veracity-verse suits you.No nits in this.As far as I can see.

[ellajam]

Young lovers stay in bed til noon,
the morning used to heal the night
spent eye to eye or in a spoon
each touch and glance a hot delight,
no thought to sleep, flesh firm and bright
responsive to each stroke and whim.
But old folk wake at warning light,
conveniently our sight still dim.
We kiss before dawn's song is sung,
and with our morning wash each day
we pluck the errant hair that sprung
up as we snored the night away.
So one last squeeze this early morn
before we put our glasses on.







To quote Ray: Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified.
As always, all critique welcomed.

Ella....first class. Veracity-verse suits you.No nits in this.As far as I can see.

Well, blow me over. Thanks, Tom

[Erthona]

mc

Nice use of iambic tetrameter. Metrically the only problem was the "up" followed by as are both are unstressed syllables, and for me "up" seem the heavier of the two and I had to restart the line at that point. A cleaver use of the sonnet rhyme pattern. As Tom notes it is "veracity verse", although for me the truth of it gives no comfort, just reminding me what is forever lost, and enunciating that which is currently true but have yet to come to a complete acceptance of.
However the fault is in the reader not in the poem. Sonically it's calmness reminds me of a pastoral.

A very solid write,


Dale

[billy]

con ven yant ly is now very convenient and also very good. it's a great job you've done.

[ellajam]

con ven yant ly is now very convenient and also very good. it's a great job you've done.

Ha, I knew it worked when I wrote it. I was just careless when I put it in the poem.

Actually, this is a big fat fail. I wrote it to be a silly thing, we laughed here, but it doesn't seem to be getting that response.
That's worse than writing something serious that gets people laughing their asses off.

---

mc

Nice use of iambic tetrameter. Metrically the only problem was the "up" followed by as are both are unstressed syllables, and for me "up" seem the heavier of the two and I had to restart the line at that point. A cleaver use of the sonnet rhyme pattern. As Tom notes it is "veracity verse", although for me the truth of it gives no comfort, just reminding me what is forever lost, and enunciating that which is currently true but have yet to come to a complete acceptance of.
However the fault is in the reader not in the poem. Sonically it's calmness reminds me of a pastoral.

A very solid write,


Dale

Thanks, Dale. I think you're right on that up/as, poet's wishful thinking, I'll see if I can firm that up.

This was meant to celebrate the good side of having the world at arm's length go a little blurry. I may have to take another swing at that.

[ellajam]

well done, the mood and the meter keep pace with each other. but ouch, me and my old guy sometimes have to "stay in bed til noon".

We rise early no matter what.

I poked around a bit, seems til is wrong, 'til is used enough to be accepted but still wrong, till is correct. Changed, thanks.