infinitesimal (1st draft) please comment.

[KerouacJack]

In this peaceful moment a sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds around me,
Carrying the weight from atop my shoulders.

Mountains patiently surround me,
Meditating, watching, growing,
The wild wild winds of time are as still as the depths of ancient ice,

Oh the beauty of being infinitely aware whilst endlessly insignificant .

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Jack. I think your poem is wordier than it needs to be. You could easily chop " In this peaceful moment" and go from there.
The last line might be stronger if broken into 2 lines - split after "being".
Welcome to the site.

[ellajam]

Hi, KJ, welcome.

For me it reads like the mountains are "Meditating, watching, growing,". I can get the feeling of them watching, but not meditating or growing. If the Narrator was doing this you may want to clarify.

I don't think the double wild works.

On the whole the poem was a little blunt, I'd rather get an image that reminds me of your last line than be told it.

Good luck with it, glad to have you here.

In this peaceful moment a sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds around me,
Carrying the weight from atop my shoulders.

Mountains patiently surround me,
Meditating, watching, growing,
The wild wild winds of time are as still as the depths of ancient ice,

Oh the beauty of being infinitely aware whilst endlessly insignificant .

[billy]

at present it reads as a weak poem. mainly due to excess wordage.
it feels a like i want to know more before getting to the 1st line. the 3rd line reads okay though a bit long. around me feels as though it's a given.
i'd like to see more depth and less of the tell the last line puts out.

In this peaceful moment a sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds around me,
Carrying the weight from atop my shoulders.

Mountains patiently surround me,
Meditating, watching, growing,
The wild wild winds of time are as still as the depths of ancient ice,

Oh the beauty of being infinitely aware whilst endlessly insignificant .

[KerouacJack]

Thankyou so much everyone for your feed back. I knew it needs lots of work. Will have a go at the 2nd draft using the advice from each response. I will try cut out excess wordage and write more of it at the beginning to give more context. Thank you very much!!!

[bwasroy]

Hi KJ,

I agree with the others. It's just too wordy.

A sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds,
Carrying the weight from my shoulders.
Mountains surround me,
Watching, growing,
The wild winds are as still as the depths of ancient ice, (I don't get this line either way)

I'd take that last line off. As to why I propose this cut, I point you to an Irwin Shaw quote that I advise we all take to heart:

"The editors I had at the New Yorker quietly helped me in peculiar, small ways. One thing they taught me was the value of cutting out the last paragraph of stories, something I pass down as a tip to all writers. The last paragraph in which you tell what the story is about is almost always best left out."

[John Galt]

In this peaceful moment a sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds around me,
Carrying the weight from atop my shoulders.

Mountains patiently surround me,
Meditating, watching, growing,
The wild wild winds of time are as still as the depths of ancient ice,

Oh the beauty of being infinitely aware whilst endlessly insignificant .

I understand completely what it is you are trying to impart, I too "feel" to the greatest depth possible. I free climb on the gritstone edges in the Peak District, and experience your last line frequently, with the exeption being that instead of feeling "insignificant" I feel a part of the whole universe.

My thought on reading your poem was that old thing called "Show&Tell." I.E. I feel you are telling me rather than showing me.
There are many sites dealing with the matter on the internet, and it may help your future writing if you try to get a handle on it. Some people say it does not matter if you "tell" and I agree that some "tell" is necessary, but it does strike me( as it does here in your poem) when it is overdone. JG

[KerouacJack]

Yes john that is exactly what my poem was intended to depict. Yes and your point on the "insignificant" line is also true, what work would you best describe the sense of being part of the universe?

Yes I agree I try to tell the poem instead of showing and letting the reader interpret. I will research help on the Internet and with yours and everyone else's help create a second draft. Cheers!!

[ellajam]

Yes john that is exactly what my poem was intended to depict. Yes and your point on the "insignificant" line is also true, what work would you best describe the sense of being part of the universe?

Yes I agree I try to tell the poem instead of showing and letting the reader interpret. I will research help on the Internet and with yours and everyone else's help create a second draft. Cheers!!

Hi, KJ, there's quite a bit of help right here on the site. On the home page there's a link on the right to Colin Ward's Poetry Tips, amusing and very helpful, he talks about the show vs tell, too. If you read the important threads at the top of each forum, there are poetry tips there and in the Practice Forum.

I've learned a lot here from reading the posted poems and the critiques, they point out what works and what doesn't for each poem. Have fun.

[KerouacJack]

I have just looked through his page and it all seems amazing help. Ended up laughing on several occasions as I knew my "poem" included some of the novice elements he frequently references. I'm going to study his work in greater depth and above all...read! Could you suggest any good poets? I'm reading Whitman, Rambaud, Alan Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac's novels.

Thanks again.

[ellajam]

I have just looked through his page and it all seems amazing help. Ended up laughing on several occasions as I knew my "poem" included some of the novice elements he frequently references. I'm going to study his work in greater depth and above all...read! Could you suggest any good poets? I'm reading Whitman, Rambaud, Alan Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac's novels.

Thanks again.

Everyone's taste is different. Try this thread: Poems that you love.
If something strikes you just track down more.

There's also a great assortment in Selected Poets.

[KerouacJack]

Cheers shall do. I'm working on a second draft which I will post once I think I. Happy with it

[John Galt]

Yes john that is exactly what my poem was intended to depict. Yes and your point on the "insignificant" line is also true, what work would you best describe the sense of being part of the universe?

Yes I agree I try to tell the poem instead of showing and letting the reader interpret. I will research help on the Internet and with yours and everyone else's help create a second draft. Cheers!!

what work would you best describe the sense of being part of the universe?

Hello KJ, I take them as I find them, and have truly read too many to pick one out, I find that each one will bring something new to me ( it's why I read poetry I think.)
I like haiku too.
JG.

[billy]

I have just looked through his page and it all seems amazing help. Ended up laughing on several occasions as I knew my "poem" included some of the novice elements he frequently references. I'm going to study his work in greater depth and above all...read! Could you suggest any good poets? I'm reading Whitman, Rambaud, Alan Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac's novels.

Thanks again.

read everything you can get hold of including the bad poems. that's one of the main problems, most new poets only have newb poems to use as a rule of thumb, knowing decent or good poetry will come the more you read both kind. we have an awful lot of poets and poems here, here, and elsewhere in the lower down forums, we also have some audio poetry as well as other helpful stuff